AIBU to feel ranty about this?

[chocoraisin]

STBXH asked me to contribute to a final bill for the flat we lived in last month, which apparently arrived after we agreed the final sums for splitting our finances in March and I believed I had paid off everything I was liable for. I am renting from family now, for me and DS, and have DC2 due in 8 weeks (his). He left us for OW (well, I kicked him out when I discovered OW anyway. Had I not, he'd still be stringing me along!) when I was 14 weeks pg. I've been reasonable about everything, no screaming/cursing/demanding money, no arsing him about re: seeing DS. He has regular contact that he is happy with.

He previously agreed to give me some money towards essentials for new baby, it's less than half of what the stuff is going to cost me (double buggy/cot etc). But then he started asking me for half of this bloody gas bill (£125). I've said no, I can't afford it - because I genuinely can't!! I'm about to go onto mat pay, every penny I have is accounted for, and he only pays maintenance of about £20p/w for DS. I have so much to sort out before baby comes, and DS needs feeding/clothing/a roof over his head too. Anyway, today I got an email saying that he would be taking the bill out of the money he was supposed to be contributing towards these essentials, which will leave me in debt to my family instead to pay for the cot.

I'm furious. It's as if now the kids don't live with him, he automatically assumes they are someone else's responsibility to pay for. I feel like sending a really pissy email back asking who the hell he thinks is going to pay for all this stuff, given that he clearly isn't? I'm not asking for much - he pays eff all maintenance anyway, and I'm on a low (and about to become much lower) income. Should he be doing this? I'm so angry I don't know what to say/do. It just feels like such a petty thing to try and win one over me, when I've literally done everything fairly despite what a shit he's been towards me and the kids. I gave him half the money for the shared overdraft, paid off all joint bills when I moved out. It's only because this one is more than he thought it would be that he's coming chasing me for cash. For my marital home that he's been screwing OW in, while me and the kids were homeless.

GRRRR. Do I need to let it go, and cough up somehow? Or have it out with him and let him know it's not my parents job to carry our kids financially - it's his!!

TIA for your thoughts. :(

Hi Choco, I had similar with my son's dad (I use the term loosely), as I found out he was cheating when I was 17 weeks pregnant. He Buggered off with the OW but said he'd pay for the cot, pay maintenance and see his child. Six years on I'm still waiting for the cot money, he doesn't pay a penny of maintenance and chose never to see his son.

My advice would be to go to the CSA for child support. When your next DC is born, let them know and they'll reassess the claim.

One thing I need to ask is it you chucked him out how come you're living with your parents while he's in the marital home? You should have stayed and he should have moved out! Assuming the marital home is mortgaged not rented, see a solicitor as even if you don't want to live in it, you might be able to either force a sale (so you'd get equity) or force him to buy you out. In the meantime, could you get on the council waiting list?

Definitely check the child support you are entitled to with CSA. A cot isn't essential, a moses basket might be a better option and certainly cheaper - I paid £5 for mine on eBay. If the bill was for the home you were living in, then it is only fair that you pay it but sort out that you are getting fair child support and ensure that you get his agreement that this is the last bill and all others have been checked and sorted. Also make sure you get a copy of the bill and check that it is an actual final reading and not an estimate - if it is an estimate and in his name, he can get back the over payment.

I remember my ex making a lot of fuss over bills that I owed him for when we split up and he wasn't even paying any child support. I got everything put in my name as soon as possible so I didn't have to go through him any more.

thanks for the replies, I should have said in my OP that I suggested he sell some of our joint possessions (sofa, bed etc) to cover the bill so that it's not 'out of his pocket' so to speak, but collectively from both of our assets. He has access to these items, I don't - so it's a lot easier for him to do that than for me (they are in the flat I moved out of).

It's the best I can do as I have no cash to give him at all. He replied with a horrible ranty email to me about how difficult life is for him financially and that I should 'stop accusing him' of not seeing things from my POV which I didn't. He's generally one of those people who expects everyone to be perfectly lovely to him irrespective of how he behaves, and responds like a prick if you even hint at not agreeing with his world view.

I moved out because I wanted to be closer to family support, and the flat is in the process of being sold kitty but I doubt there will be any money to be made there unfortunately. The focus is on a fast sale, not a lucrative one right now :( Where I live now I don't meet the criteria for a spot on the housing list believe it or not, so my only option is to find a private rental (no joke when you're a single mum of 2 without a proper income, or previous rental reference!).

Good advice about the reading fanny. TBH I am just exhausted by all the bullshit and I really wouldn't care about the money if I had it. It's just shit and miserable to be ignored all the time except when he wants something, but expected to behave as if we are best friends and co-parents when it suits him :( I hope things get easier in time, I really do. Thanks again for the replies x

Have you seen a solicitor?

Hmmmm He seems to have neglected the fact that your earning power is about to take a dive for a long period of time. I assume his won't?

YANBU and he is being a git of the highest order. Enough is enough, threaten to set the CSA on him if he doesn't provide for his family. £20PW is not even close to being enough, 15-20% of his salary is much more realistic.

I have seen a solicitor, but by gum they are expensive. I am starting to think I just need to suck it up and issue divorce papers, sort out a formal contact plan (it's all a 'family agreement' for now) and just be skint. But it's easier said than done with a baby on the way... had hoped to deal with all that after the baby comes, but maybe that was wishful thinking.

I also think the CSA is sensible. I was hoping he would be more thoughtful and we wouldn't have to do the solicitors/agencies/court orders thing (I'm afraid of it creating more animosity and being really bloody stressful tbh) but with such young children (DS is under 2) getting regular maintenance etc is going to be an incredibly long haul. It might actually be easier on us all if it's dealt with by a third party. I don't know, what is the CSA like? Are they reliable? I've not heard many good things about them but obviously that's just an impression I have not based on fact. Advice would be welcome.

If you haven't got the cash, you haven't got it end of. Don't you dare ask your parents borrow money to pay off a man who has efffectively made his own wife and children homeless. You've been more than fair up to now, but eventually as Mums we all have to draw a line in the sand and impose some boundaries.

Unless he has a serious illness he should, as an adult able-bodied male, be able to do a few odd jobs/extra hours/car washing/boot sales to raise the money himself.

Your parents, the government, peppa fliipping pig didn't impregnate you - he did. The man is taking the piss, you are mother to his children aged X years and Y months gestation. He should contact his own mother for the funds as you have too much on your plate right now & in the next few months to be dealing with an adult toddler too!

Tell him that you do not have the money right now, and are bearing the unexpected (cos it was on your part) financial liabilities for raising two children alone. That includes the costs of deposit, removal, furniture etc for a new permanent place of residence for HIS children. It includes all the new baby equipment etc too. While you appreciate the token goodwill gesture of £20 a week towards those costs that he has been making to date you feel rather suprised that he should seek to burden you with additional costs at this time, given that the situation you and his children are in was not of your making.

When you've done that, put in a CSA application. It's time to put yourself and your children first - any extra funds you manage to lay hands on between now and the birth should be put away towards your maternity and kitting out your eventual new permanent home.

Don't let this man put you under anymore emotional stress than he already has done. Please give yourself a little tlc too.

For me, the CSA have done exactly what it says on the tin. They collect money and give it to me. I don't have to listen to the "poor me" stories any more.

thank you - I needed the reality check, and I do need to be a lot firmer! I feel like I've been floundering a bit lately, the more the pregnancy goes on the more I want things to be 'nice' ie not stressful but I'm turning into some kind of bloody doormat. bochead thanks for putting it in plain English for me to see! he is a twunt of the highest order and playing nice isn't getting me anywhere or doing the DC any favours in the long run. And not hearing the 'poor me' stories sounds bloody marvellous DCSsunhill :)