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Original poster

DD playing one parent off against the other?

7 replies

NotaDisneyMum · 01/05/2012 13:08

I'm not really sure if that is what DD is doing, but it has left me a bit unsettled...

DD (11) forgot to tell her Dad something insignificant that she will be doing at school this week. It is an in-school activity - no impact on home life at all.

When ex found out, DD gave him half a story; covering up why she hadn't told him by dropping me in it! I think know why she didn't tell him; she probably forgot, but even if she didn't, he makes a bit of a song and dance about little things and she would probably have preferred him not to know at all. She got caught out when her Dad saw her emails and he realised that I knew about something that he didn't.

ExH has sent me a rant'y email, accused me of withholding information and he has withdrawn his co-operation and stated that he will no longer share information he has about DD with me (DD care is 50:50).

I know that he is out of line, and have learnt to deal with it - it's just the way he is, he assumes the world is operating to his reality and reacts without thinking it through Confused I can deal with him and it will all blow over.

But, what would should I do about DD? Should I say anything, or just accept that this might happen now and again? Does it encourage her to mislead people to get out of trouble if I don't address it?

OP posts:
doormat · 01/05/2012 13:13

i would defintely address the issue as it can lead to other problems...

i would just sit down and have a nice little chat about it and how we need to be honest and respect ppl's feelings etc..yano the old rhetoric

ChocHobNob · 01/05/2012 13:53

Did your DD give half a story or tell a lie to drop you in it? If she lied, it definitely needs addressing. She shouldn't lie to either of you.

Original poster
NotaDisneyMum · 01/05/2012 20:51

I don't think she actually lied as such, just simplified the course of events when explaining it to her Dad and left out information which would have explained things.

ExH saw an email I had sent DD with details of the activity she is taking part in. I had previously asked her if she wanted me to send the details to her, or her dad (or both) and she specifically asked me to send it to her, so I did.

When talking to her Dad after he saw the email (she didn't show him, he was fixing her PC), she told him that she had asked me to send it to her (implying that it was her idea) but she didn't mention that I offered to send it to him.
Consequently, exH has gone off on one at me, assuming that if DD hadn't asked me for the details, I wouldn't have sent them at all!

I think DD is learning to take advantage of him - he does have a very literal way of thinking and tends to find the nuances of communication difficult; whereas she has a very mature vocabulary and comprehension; something which isn't necessarily a good thing in this situation.

OP posts:
purpleroses · 01/05/2012 21:04

For things that involve a change of routine, or things that require decisions then I think you and your ex should both communicate directly with each other (not rely on DD) but for things that she's up to during school hours, then I don't see why you or she should necessarily tell her dad (nor he tell you). I'm sure neither of you share every detail of what you do at work with her.

My DS is 12 and I certainly wouldn't rely on him to convey information between me and his dad - if either of us manage to get anything out of him regarding what's going on at school we do usually tell each other, but only because it's like getting blood out a stone....

Original poster
NotaDisneyMum · 01/05/2012 21:14

I'm sure neither of you share every detail of what you do at work with her.

Actually, now you mention it, he does Confused

He has regular scheduled calls with her when she's here, and they spend upwards of half an hour on the phone, with him doing the talking, and her fiddling with her hair and saying riiii-ght periodically Grin

I would, and always will, keep him up to date with infomation that changes routines, or needs a decision made - but whether he'll bother to do the same now he's thrown his teddies out of the pram is another matter.....

OP posts:
concernedpartner · 01/05/2012 21:23

Nota-the ideal resolution to your problem is to sit down with dd and ur ex and make it clear you both speak to each other and reassure her she doesn't have to act as a go-between. My wife has spent years being tormented by her children and her ex because of the lies they have told him about their life at home. (I have overheard them outrageously lying to him on the phone when they have been in trouble at home!)

purpleroses · 01/05/2012 21:37

Mmm - sounds like the problem is really between him and her. Your role in communicating surely only goes so far as to the things that he needs to know about, or has a right to be involved in. If she's choosing not to tell him other details of her life, then that's really something he needs to work out with her directly. Can only see it getting worse as she gets older as she's likely to want a bit more space to run her own life.

Could you agree with your ex that you'll let him know about anything that the school communicate directly with you (eg via letter) but that if DD tells either of you things that she's up to at school you have no obligation to tell each other? (unless it's something really important or worrying of course). I think your DD has a right to share things with you and not her dad if she wants.

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