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Original poster

my son is crying his heart out upstairs

18 replies

Sam1973 · 29/04/2012 19:55

My 2 beautiful children have been away for the weekend with their grandad and while they were away my husband moved out. ( They knew we had split up) DD who is 5 hasnt really reacted my DS who is 9 is upstairs in bed and has been sobbing. He is now watching a DVD (something i dont normally allow when he has school the next day) so he will calm down and go to sleep.

I have told him everything will be ok, and that mum and dad still love him very much.

Their dad is picking them up from school tomorrow and they have the option to sleep at his house if they want.

Has anyone got any advise on how to help them get them through this please?

OP posts:
girliefriend · 29/04/2012 20:00

No advice but wanted to hold your hand and say it will be o.kay Smile

I would allow your son to be upset, tell him it is o.kay to feel sad and encourage him to talk about it.

Once he gets used to the new set up I am sure he will feel better.

Oh I do seem to have given advice!!! HTH

PoppadumPreach · 29/04/2012 20:00

i can't offer you any advice but just wanted to say that i can imagine it's unspeakably difficult, and to see your kids hurting must be awful, but i hope you see "light at the end of the tunnel" soon.

hugs and best wishes x

Steth · 29/04/2012 20:01

Your poor little boy, his heart must be broken (as must yours). Only advice I can give is just be there for your kids when they need/want to talk and give them lots of cuddles. Your DD is younger so may not realise what is actually happening so perhaps thats why she is so nonplus.Try your best to be amicable with your DH when the kids are there and never badmouth DH in front of kids, ask your DH to do the same. Hope you are also ok.

nickseasterchick · 29/04/2012 20:04

Tonights the first night of Daddy not living with your ds and of course change is always difficult....Its also very hard for you as Mum seeing all sides of the effects of the changes Sad.

It will get better and it will get easier.

Wine and/or Brew.

lesstalkmoreaction · 29/04/2012 20:05

Thats very sad but it will get easier for him, make sure school are aware in case he gets upset at school.

queenofthepirates · 30/04/2012 22:18

Happened to me, I can remember very clearly that what really upset me was that the TV had gone. Dad bought us a new TV and err well it kind of helped! A lot.

I appreciate that sounds terribly shallow but in moderation, a few well timed treats might cushion things. Having divorced parents has a huge number of benefits, two stockings at Christmas, two lots of birthday presents, two holidays and I am sure that will soon become apparent. It's not all bad I promise.

Now I can hardly imagine them being together (shudder)

Meglet · 30/04/2012 22:24

aaaw, it's early days for you all. Speak to his teachers though. I hope he can have a nice time with his Dad tomorrow after school and you have some time to yourself.

I'm with queen on this one. Shallow stuff did smooth the transition somewhat. Dad even bought a kitten to lure me and my sister round to his house. My parents split when I was a teenager. Dad still lived in the same town and we had keys to his house. After a few weeks it really wasn't a big deal, mum and dad were miserable when they were together.

FashionEaster · 30/04/2012 22:37

Poor them and you Sad. It is very hard. Been through this with mine recently and at the time it is so painful, you ache for them. All you can do is to cuddle them and listen to them and reassure them. They want what they cannot have, which is their dad to be there Sad. Dc1, of the same age, was hardest hit initially but also the quickest to get used to the new arrangements. Dc2's reaction was almost delayed. Be prepared too for them not to go in a straight-line with this but to come back to the same questions and have periods of upset.

The quicker there is a regular routine the better. And they soon start to see the benefits - two birthdays, two Christmases, days devoted to them... I get on very well with my ex-ILs and it helped the dcs tremendously to see they were still very much welcome here and we are all welcome there.

I also instituted some new 'traditions' such as Saturday Night In, which involves big bag of sweets, fav Sat night TV programme, all squished on the sofa together under a blanket which they really look forward to.

It is tough but it will pass xx

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2012 22:43

Did they know he was going to move out while they were away? If not, I imagine this is a big part of it. When I was his age something 'big' happened that the adults knew was going to happen when I was away camping for the weekend - half the pain was the 'big thing' the other half was it happening 'behind my back' with no time to mentally prepare myself for it - I felt very betrayed by all concerned. They did it because they believed it would be better for me - it wasn't :(

Poor little love, either way, his whole world has been turned upside down. I'd probably keep him home tomorrow if he wants to stay home.

TodaysAGoodDay · 01/05/2012 19:44

Poor lad. What you could say to them both is that you love them very much and their dad loves them very much. Reassurance might be needed eventually that their dad leaving was in no way caused by them. I know my son will ask this eventually, because he will realise that we were together for 16 yrs, had him, then I left 2 yrs later. It will look like it is his fault to him, but the truth is he was the reason I was strong enough to leave. Just take it gently with them, try not to complicate explanations and above all don't slag their dad off in front of them. It will get easier, I promise.

happyAvocado · 02/05/2012 22:38

when we split (but ex was in the same house for many moons after that) - I told my kids that they will get 2 sets of rooms each, 2 sets of holidasys etc
thast cheered them up (they were dd 11,5 ds 9.5)

amke sure there is going to be a good routine and if there are trips/sleep overs for them at your ex's - it happens
they will rely on those days to see him & will be back with you (often missing you as well)

PigletUnrepentant · 04/05/2012 13:33

Sam, children need certainity to feel secure. Sit with him and explain him that things will change but that you both are working for the things to be fine for them. But take care to explain what is going to happen next, how have you organised yourselves for the children to have contact and very important, don't put decisions on the hands of the children (ie. going to their dad's house if they so wish), it is a time when they will feel trapped in the complexities of double loyalties, so they may find such decisions a bit heartbreaking.

I found that with DS it helped to talk to him and tell him, in terms he could understand, the reasons why we had decided not to live together. We also made a fuss about the special "holiday" or men's weekend he was going to have with his dad every second weekend. Something that also worked quite nicely was to do something special at DS' room in the ex new house. He loved his bedroom there.

And while he was with me, we kept to the usual times and routines but did something special to distract him everyday, even if it was something as simple as to let him sleep with me until things had calmed down.

isitreallythattime · 04/05/2012 13:47

Sam1927, I really sympathise with you over how much it must break your heart to have this situation. I have no advice to give as you are a few steps ahead of me, but wish you luck and strength in dealing with this.
I am watching your post closely for tips and advice. X

Original poster
Sam1973 · 04/05/2012 22:57

Well, I am a week on and what a difference it has made!!! Kids have settled down really well. FashionEaster, i took your advice and we have had a movie and popcorn night tonight and it went really well. We all really enjoyed it :)

DS is trying on a bit i think, when i am disaplining him he will start saying "I miss my dad" to which i reply " I know you do, but that doesnt meant its ok to behave that way" which seems to be working.

Thanks for all your support :)

OP posts:
FashionEaster · 04/05/2012 23:18

That's really encouraging, and thanks for coming back to update Smile Your dcs from they way you describe them are lovely and you sound such a caring mum. Glad Saturday Night In went so well.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/05/2012 10:31

Sam - great news! Well done on not falling for the 'I miss Dad' everytime he's in trouble, it's so easy to do that. Of course he misses his Dad and it might be why he's doing whatever it is that's getting him into bother, but he does have to learn that just because you are angry/hurt/upset/whatever it doesn't mean you can do as you please... it's a good lesson to learn young (even though it's very sad why he's having to learn it iykwim).

How are you doing?

Original poster
Sam1973 · 05/05/2012 17:33

Im ok Chipping. Kids are at the dads and im missing them like mad, but i know its only fair that they spend time with him. I was in a car accident a few weeks ago and my back is bad so cant go out but my friend is coming round later and we will have a few vodkas :)

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/05/2012 17:44

Sam - glad to hear you are OK :) I'm sure you will miss them, but in time you will also come to appreciate your weekends 'off' I'm sure, especially when everything else will come down to you!

I hope your back doesn't give you any long term problems.

Have fun tonight Grin

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