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The longer i'm a lone parent, the harder it gets...

24 replies

thedogsrolex · 28/04/2012 21:47

Ashamed to admit i'm getting to the end of my rope with these pair.

I've always tried to bring them up to be honest, kind, helpful and well mannered. To everyone else they are. They do well at school, (ds as much as he can, trying to get him more help, but his behaviour is outstanding). Dd's behaviour the same and her work is excellent.

They treat me like SHIT and never listen to a word I say. Dd goes messing in the house, can't leave anything alone..ever. She opens food, drops it on the floor, leaves it about. She takes my things and will deny taking them, when I ask her, she'll scream her head off. Things get broken, never deliberately, just sheer couldn't-give-a-shit-ness. Last night she went messing around in the cupboards after i'd told her not to. I later went to run a bath, got it half filled when the water went cold. Checked the boiler, it was switched off, she'd knocked the switch while messing in the cupboard. Stupid things like that happen all the time. I go to get into bed..someone has spilt a drink in it, I try to wash my hair...the cup is gone, dd has used all the shampoo as bubble bath. I try to arrange my contents ins, the paperwork is gone, I try to find my bank statement, someone has moved it. Dd will bring garden toys in, start kicking footballs around the house and swinging skipping ropes about, scootering across the living room floor etc. I don't know WHY she does it, neither of them have ever been allowed to do that. It's not like I suddenly moved the goalposts (no pun intended).

Ds more or less hates me, and spends as much time in his room as he can. He won't go to bed at night and won't get up in the morning. I realise this is typical teenage behaviour but it hurts! He ruined mothers day by being an arse with me. Last week he stayed at his dad's, started talking to me online and told me to fuck off (he said it jokingly but that's not the point), he said (typed) it where a few people could see. Mostly he grunts at me, if i'm lucky.

Today in the supermarket I felt dd touch my shoulder, turned around and they were both laughing their heads off. I felt for a half price label (as you do)...there was nothing but they were still laughing. I started to get annoyed and ds eventually told me that dd had lobbed me the V.

They ended up making me cry in the supermarket. I feel like a big fat failure. I've always taught them manners and respect, i've never let them down. How can my kids be growing up like a pair of feral brats? They've never wanted for anything. When we've had no money i've sold my own things on ebay to make sure they aren't ever disappointed on a birthday or Christmas. This is not how it is supposed to be.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
PigletUnrepentant · 28/04/2012 22:28

How old are they?

thedogsrolex · 28/04/2012 22:33

8 and 14 piglet.

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Jellykat · 28/04/2012 22:41

OMG that all sounds horrendous, its going to be tricky and knackering taking control again, but somehow you're going to have to.. When these things happen do you kick off, or have you got to the point of being too knackered to pull them up on it?

changeforthebetter · 28/04/2012 22:48

God, poor you Sad

No advice but lots of sympathy Brew

thedogsrolex · 28/04/2012 22:51

I tell them, and tell them. I sit them down and talk. Then it gets too much and I lose my rag and raise my voice. Then dd has a crying fit and ds sulks. "we dont like it when you are loud".

In fact, the only time they give me a break is when they've reduced me to tears.

OP posts:
PigletUnrepentant · 28/04/2012 22:55

"I feel like a big fat failure. I've always taught them manners and respect, i've never let them down. How can my kids be growing up like a pair of feral brats? They've never wanted for anything. When we've had no money i've sold my own things on ebay to make sure they aren't ever disappointed on a birthday or Christmas. This is not how it is supposed to be."

Stop there.

They treat other people kindly because they know the other people wouldn't put up with such behaviour. So, forget for a moment they are your children and think about this: Would you let a stranger treat you like this? would you put up with that if they were not your children?

Get some respect by making them understand you have needs too and that your needs are as important as theirs or more (at the end of the day, the person who keeps them fed and dressed and with a roof above their heads is YOU). There's no point to telll them now how do you feel because they don't care anymore. So hit them where it hurts:

Don't sacrifice yourself too much for them, they are taking you (and all that you do) for granted, so stop going the extra mile so they can start getting an idea on what you do for them. Attend to their basic needs but don't do any treats for a while.

Say no when you feel that's the answer they should get, and don't forget you are the one who manages and distributes the money at home. You have no idea of how powerful an "economic embargo" is.

And don't you go sacrifice yourself in the Christmas altar... I'm sure they don't believe in Santa anymore so perhaps is time for them to understand that there are things they simply cannot have. It is ok to say no. Other children get what you don't give them? Tough. Life's not fair.

PigletUnrepentant · 28/04/2012 23:00

Oh 8 and 14? ok, the younger may still believe in Santa but that's still not a good excuse to get exactly what they want is this means a sacrifice for the family.

PigletUnrepentant · 28/04/2012 23:01

... if this means a sacrifice for the family

NatashaBee · 28/04/2012 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jellykat · 28/04/2012 23:05

If it's any consolation my DS2 (also 14) is pushing it too, so it's not just you and you're not failing.. DS1 was the same too at this age..
I guess you're DD is simply copying behaviour and testing the boundaries too..

It must be a relief they're both doing well at school, that's one less thing to worry about..

Do they have responsibilities around the house i.e chores, how about pocket money? lifts for DS? i'm trying to think of what you have materialistically to bargain with..

thedogsrolex · 28/04/2012 23:10

Internet for ds. He wont get off it. I physically took his laptop away from him the other week and he called me every name under the sun. Is there any way I can block his internet without blocking mine? Dd, i've taken just about everything away from her.

OP posts:
thedogsrolex · 28/04/2012 23:12

Yep, they have chores too, one of which is ds walking his dog. I might call him for two hours before he'll do it.

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littleorno · 28/04/2012 23:12

I feel for you. It is so hard on your own, with no one to back you up when your children behave like spoiled brats.

One thing that stands out for me in your post is you having sold your own belongings on ebay so your children are not disappointed. I think you have (accidentally) shown them that they are more important than you, that their feelings matter more than yours. Of course we all feel that our children are more important than us parents, BUT it is vital for children to grow up respecting people as individuals, including their mum.

I think you need to stand your ground more. Get firm. What punishment system do you have? If one of mine rode their scooter in the house, the scooter would be banned for a week at least (hidden in shed/friend's house). Any nastiness like that in the supermarket would result in all sweets/crisps etc. going out of the trolley and back on the shelves, no second chance!

Kids learn quickly - show them that bad behaviour has bad consequences, they will cut down on the bad behaviour. It feels crap at the time, but pays off.

You need to respect yourself more, you deserve it, we all do.

Does your ex have problems with them? Could you discuss a plan together?

PigletUnrepentant · 28/04/2012 23:20

Ok, don't call him for hours, go and walk the dog but if in the next few days he comes and ask you to drive/buy/get him anything just say: Do you remember I asked you to walk the dog and you didn't do it, well... today I am not driving/buying/getting you what you want, just so yu can understand how does it feel.

Yes.. he will be mightly annoyed and going into the teenage equivalent of a tantrum, but if you don't give up to it, he will have learned, even in a small measure that actually you mean business.

thedogsrolex · 28/04/2012 23:21

They have different dads little. Ds's dad is very much like him, bad attitude...even now. Dd doesn't see her dad, he did a runner before she was even born.

But I can tell you this, ds's dad is strict...and he wouldn't dare tell him to fuck off. That bugs me, because daddy has done close to bugger all over the years.

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thedogsrolex · 28/04/2012 23:25

When they did that to me today piglet we were with my mum..in the end I said "kids, just give me a few minutes peace please". My mum said "Oh, you're being very childish rolex". Grrrr, she doesn't have to live with them!

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PigletUnrepentant · 28/04/2012 23:30

"he wouldn't dare tell him to fuck off"

Well, somebody have to tell him so, and pretty soonish. Your child will be stronger than you very soon. You need to assert your position at home as the person in charge asap.

Don't worry if dad let him get away with murder, if your child is not displaying that behaviour with other adults, that is an unequivocal proof that your child is capable to be nice and respectful provided he knows what the rules are (and how they will be enforced) while under your care.

PigletUnrepentant · 28/04/2012 23:33

Yes, she doesn't live with them and may not understand, but just ignore her, you are the one living with them, so... it's your call.

PigletUnrepentant · 28/04/2012 23:34

back to the f* word... don't use it, just mean it ;-)

Jellykat · 28/04/2012 23:35

My DS2 has occasionally told me to Fuck off, and i go mental, which i don't do very often, so when i do it's serious..

It's testing all the time - that's why it's important you stick by your guns even though it's totally knackering... They do stop eventually, providing the boundaries are firm and consistent.

Having your mum undermine you in front of them really doesn't help!
Can you explain the situation to her and tell her to back you up, or keep quiet?

littleorno · 28/04/2012 23:39

Sometimes kids try their worst behaviour out on the parent they trust the most. I bet he regrets it deep down.

One thing I have started recently with my eldest is to make it clear that his bad behaviour with me is not secret (meltdowns, hitting etc), and his punishments are not secret either. I casually drop it into conversations: 'oh, ds can't do that because he has no pocket money this week because of (whatever bad behaviour).' He was furious at first because he thought I should 'maintain confidentiality' ha! It seems to be improving things for us.

Can you tell ds's dad about the Fuck Off incident? If he is that strict he might back you up? Though you say he has a bad attitude... my stbxh would tell my dcs off with a smile that said 'good on you'!

littleorno · 28/04/2012 23:43

and I agree with Jellycat - your mum undermining your authority in front of the kids is not helping, and could be causing their disrespect. Tell her never again, not even as a joke!

thedogsrolex · 29/04/2012 00:07

His dad...that's a tough one. I know he'd back me up and tell ds that he's not to speak to me that way (he has in the past)...but...he speaks to his partner that way, and on occasion he speaks to me that way too...ds is copying what he sees I think.

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TheEndIsntInSight · 29/04/2012 11:04

OP you need to regain control.

Call a family meeting
Set some ground rules
Failure to comply with rules results in loss of privileges
Be specific about what behaviour is associated with each privilege
Dont' be afraid to follow through as giving in will make matters worse
They need to be reminded about the concept of 'biting the hand that feeds them'
Show them who's boss
Make it clear that rudeness will be ignored and don't speak to them or respond until they talk to you politely (they'll get the message pretty quickly)

Most importantly you MUST follow through as if you don't you'll lose credibility and undo any of your efforts.

Good luck, it's not too late.

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