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Original poster

Bit of a cheek?!

23 replies

ItchyChin · 26/04/2012 21:50

At the end of every financial year XH and I agreed to go through his P60 and ensure I was being paid (15% a year in child maintenance). So he's got his P60 and has worked out he owes me £1700 or thereabouts. Is asking 1) can he pay in 2 sums spaced out 6 months (yes fine) 2) can he have a say in what it is spent on.

Am really Angry. He doesn't know what we spend on usually (keeping a roof above our heads - very minimal spend elsewhere) so why does he feel he has a right to 'have an input' on how this is spent when I've been scrimping and saving all year.

I will save it (and have told him this) but is none of his business is it?

We are on very good terms and both very accommodating to each other but this has made my blood boil. Tell me IANBU (I know it's not AIBU - am too scared to post there! Blush)

OP posts:
smellyfeet · 26/04/2012 23:00

for what reason did he say he wanted input on what it was spent on?

Monty27 · 26/04/2012 23:06

Blimey, a bit controlling. However, at least he's paying eh. He sounds like he might appreciate it's not really his business?

BlueRinse · 26/04/2012 23:09

If the agreement is already in place who is he to question it?

Can I ask, for my own personal info is 15% for one child?

Original poster
ItchyChin · 26/04/2012 23:19

He wants to question it as it is a 'significant' sum (got it wrong is £1400ish) and 'it is technically supposed to go on DD upkeep'. Have told him (via email) he should not think of it as 'look at this bonus money Itchy is getting' but as 'oops look how much I owe Itchy for last year'.

Grrrr.

Blue - yes is 15% for one child.

He has not emailed me back. I cannot talk on phone or I will cry. Double grrr. And we're supposed to be having a 'day out' with DD on Sat. Much fun that will be. Am wondering now if he means what all the money is spent on - seeing as it doesn't even cover the rent I think it is pretty obvious.

Suspect he worries I am going to spend it on me - however, If I've been scrimping for a year if I want to I should be able to (I won't but that is NOT the point).

Nobber.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItchyChin · 26/04/2012 23:23

And yes I do realise I am lucky he pays, and he is largely reasonable. He has still just been a nobber though Wink. What big item shall I buy for £1400 to really piss him off?! Wink

OP posts:
corlan · 26/04/2012 23:46

£1,400 is not a lot of money to contribute to the upkeep of his child. I'm sure you spend a lot more than 15% of your income on your DD's income.

He's got a MASSIVE cheek to ask for a say in what it is spent on. You could spend it on crack cocaine and rent boys if you wanted. It so sad that we all say things like 'it's lucky he pays'. There are so many losers out there who pay nothing towards the upkeep of their children, that when a man pays even a minimal amount, they are seen as heroes and they feel entitled to act like your XH is doing!

( Can you tell my XP tried the same thing too!)

Monty27 · 27/04/2012 00:18

Itchy can you and dd get a really nice holiday, would he agree with that? or do it without him knowing Grin

No seriously, I agree, it will just take the edge off what you've been through in the last financial year.

Hope he sees reason.

AmberLeaf · 27/04/2012 00:22

Hes taking the piss.

Id tell him to fuck off that its not his place to question what the money is spent on, but to just pay it.

Happylander · 27/04/2012 09:08

I'd ask him what all his money goes on as I bet he doesn't spend all his income on his DD! What a cheek!

Original poster
ItchyChin · 27/04/2012 09:32

I am still fuming! Got an email from him saying largely - he is happy I am saving it but he feels 'entitled' to know where it is going. Needless to say I've pointed out 15% of his salary is not a lot and 95% of my money (from working/tax credits/him) goes to DD's upkeep. And that in the future please do not question this as it is a slap in the face - it is unreasonable, he is not entitled and it only causes bad feeling.

I don't think I'll stop fuming until I get a sorry - but that is never going to happen! He did say 'I can never win this argument' too right - a) you are wrong b) you made the first year of our DD's life a misery for me by being completely unreasonable c) YOU LEFT ME WITH A ONE YEAR OLD CHILD.

Anyhow, glad you understand my feelings even if xh doesn't! Brew

OP posts:
bronze · 27/04/2012 09:35

Bit of a cheek? He's gone for both face and a couple of arse cheeks too

bochead · 27/04/2012 11:04

send him the childcare bill! Most men are gobsmacked at the cost of nursery if you work. I doubt that covers more than 2 months of a 12 month period iykwim; )

NotaDisneyMum · 27/04/2012 11:05

My ex has done this regularly - it's one of the reasons I ended up going to the CSAAngry

He would send me frequent emails asking if I would 'consider spending the money he gives me' on x,y or z because DD has told him she would like it !

His best effort though was when he was paying the CSA and it was agreed that i would buy everything she needed. He asked me to pay him an allowance so he could take her shopping for clothes she needed instead of me!

I suppose I should be grateful that he's involved and paying - but sometimes its very hard!

ChasedByBees · 27/04/2012 11:21

That's a massive cheek. How much would you get via CSA out of interest? If its more I'd feel like pointing this out to him.

ohgawd · 27/04/2012 11:26

He's a tit. He pays a tiny amount of what it actually costs to raise a child. Angry Grrr for you.

ohgawd · 27/04/2012 11:27

ps i don't think you should be grateful.

Original poster
ItchyChin · 27/04/2012 11:33

The ridiculous thing is he is happy for me to spend some of it on a holiday. It's the fact he CANNOT see that he is NOT ENTITLED to have any say on where it goes that is making me crazy!

Guess it is quite common.

I should clarify the amount he 'wants a say' in, is the difference in what he should have paid not the total. He reckons it was mostly bonus but that is not relevant in my book. DD is now at school nursery so childcare has reduced significantly but I was fortunate before Jan that I got 70% back in tax credits so paid £30 a week for 2 days.

Sorry, just trying to stress I know compared to a lot of people I am comfortably off but this isn't about that it's about principle.

Notadisneymum - I hope xh never pulls that trick! Asking for an allowance to go clothes shopping Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
ItchyChin · 27/04/2012 11:34

I believe he is paying the same as CSA so it's not like he's doing me any extra favours!

OP posts:
Happylander · 27/04/2012 12:00

Mine pays slightly over the CSA, and I mean slightly, and threatens me constantly with dropping it down if I dare say I am pissed off that yet again he has failed to turn up and what an arsehole he is for not putting DS first. Got fed up with his threats and so now I don't speak to him at all even to the point I refuse to do hand overs that way I can't possibly damage his pathetic ego. I am sure it won't always be like this but I wouldn't let a friend treat me the way he has and still be friendly with them!

Ex certainly doesn't spend his disposable income of £1500 on our DS however all £50 of my disposable income a month does go on our DS! Slight discrepancy there isn't there but hey why would I challenge the fact he can't even buy our son a pair of trousers but can go on plenty of nights out and weekends away and yet another 5* foreign holiday with the OW!

Ooh I am feeling bitter today probably because my car is fucked and I can't afford a new one or even to pay to get it fixed!

purpleroses · 27/04/2012 12:27

I'd give him a rough calculation - your DD eats food (say £30 a week) - so you could say that the entire of his £1400 a year goes on food. Or you could say half goes on food and half towards the rent/mortgage interest in order to keep a roof over her head. You (possibly with the help of tax credits) are clearly spending a lot more than that on her yourself.

If he wants a say in where money goes he can offer to pay extra (eg if she wants to go to some club or have music lessons or somethihng) above and beyond the rather small contribution he's making for her upkeep.

He should also should be paying you monthly or whenever he gets paid, not yearly in arrears.

Original poster
ItchyChin · 27/04/2012 12:27

What an arse he sounds Happylander! Angry

OP posts:
121 · 27/04/2012 19:31

I like what corlan said. Tell him you're spending it on crack and rent boys.

Although perhaps it was just something stupid he blurted out and then secretly regretted it afterwards but is too stubborn to apologise? Although that's a very generous interpretation, I do surprise myself!

Happylander · 27/04/2012 21:26

Yes I like the crack and rent boys one too maybe add a semi-naked house boy in there too LOL

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