So angry ex has let ds down AGAIN!!!

[SingleNow]

He promised ds2 4yrs old that he would collect him Saturday take him out n have him overnight. He then said yesterday that he would have him Friday and Saturday night bringing him home Sunday.

Not 5 minutes ago he called to say he won't be having him as he has something else to do.

This is the 4th week running he has let him down, I have tried to be amicable but now am sick of it.

When I had ds2 he didn't want to go on the birth certificate, ds2 has my name and spends 90% of the time with me. The ex won't even pay 99p for a sim card so he can have regular contact with ds2.

Am I within my rights to put my foot down and say no more. No more visits, letting him down etc? We were never married he is not on ds2s bc and he rarely pays anything towards ds2 upbringing.

Yeah I'd say put your foot down. But warn him first. Maybe he's so self absorbed that he hasn't even noticed how often he's done it. So write it down for him with all the dates. Agree with him when the next contact will be and make sure you have it in writing: date (and day!), time (start and end) and place (to pick up/ drop off). Tell him if he doesn't make that, then it's clear that his priorities do not lie with your son and it's not fair to keep arranging to see him then letting him down.

Don't get all emotional but just tell him clearly that it's upsetting for your ds and that it's completely unacceptable, if he wants to visit he must do so in a way that isn't emotionally cruel to your son.

You're within your rights (I believe) as long as there's not been a court order? He could always take you to court for contact, but I suppose in a way, if he did that then he would be demostrating some sort of committment to seeing ds, which at present he does not seem to be doing.

Good luck, sounds like a horrible situation x

Your poor DS :(

I split up with my DCs dad 3 1/2 years ago. In all that time, he has changed or cancelled almost every arrangement but never ever just not turned up when expected, until Monday this week. I've so surprised myself by being so angry with him that I'm remarkably calm and non-hysterical (I usually yelp like a banshee! )

I'm going to the solicitor to get a formal agreement written up with regards to contact - something I wish I'd let her sort out at the time of our divorce a year ago.

Is a formal contact order and/or mediation an option for you, do you think?

Don't waste your time or money on trying to sort out formal contact from your end. There is nothing to legally compel a NRP to see a child even if a contact order is made. It is made so that the RP makes the child available for contact with the NRP.
Way to go for the OP and Curiosity is to write to exes and suggest contact times, days that fit round your schedules and DCs, set out a method for confirming or changing the date say 48 hours in advance or whatever. Don't tell the DCs that they will see their Dads until it is confirmed. Perhaps underline the importance for the DCs of being in regular contact then leave it up to the exes to go with it. Very but if exes can't be bothered to put children first then there is nothing that can be done legally.

Sorry I don't think I was very clear basically with him not being on birth certificate and us not being married he would have to take me to court for visitation/ parental rights/ DNA test etc, I know he is the father - unfortunately , but I could be harsh and say he needed to go through the proper channels if he wants to see him rather than constantly letting him down.

Ds1 refuses to have anything to do with him. Which annoys the ex but he is not ds1s father.

Poor ds . This is all too common unfortunately. My dd hasn't seen her father for years (for very good reasons). I'd rather she feel secure and loved by my family than let down and pushed out by him and his. Oh if you met him he'd no doubt tell you he isn't "allowed" to see his daughter (he might even shed a tear, he's good at crying on demand), you know, that one he had with the psycho woman. What he wouldn't tell you is that he went to such extremes as faking his father having a heart attack so he didn't have to see her, and carried it on for weeks while dad was in hospital perfectly fine at home. He was too busy shagging, as it turned out.

T'was no great loss. I know I did the right thing, and he's never bothered since so that proves exactly how much he cared about her.

He has just phoned back and said he will be here at 8.45-9pm tomorrow to collect ds2, I have said that's too late as he will be tired from a day out and in bed. Cue a load of abuse along the lines of "I'll be there 9am Saturday so make sure you have your fucking drawers on you cunting whore" .

Such lovely language and insults!!! All because I have moved on and am seeing someone else ffs I am surely entitled to a life??? And it's none of his Business!!!

Anyway do i let him have ds2 in sight of his attitude ?

Not a chance at that time of the night. What a f*cking idiot he sounds .

As for the verbal abuse towards yourself, ive no advice on that, my ex still does this occasionally but I couldn't care less and that helps no end .

oh sorry just read the 9.00 am bit.

I would let him go for ds's sake and then seek to formalise arrangements for the future.

God these men are SUCH tools!

It's up to you, I wouldn't. I'd be torn knowing ds wanted to see his father but he's not being very fair to your ds is he? He's putting you in a very bad position actually (and possibly he knows this and is playing on it).

I think you need to put your foot down. You may be the bad guy for a while but think long term. He needs to stick to his arrangements and not let his son down. What these kind of men don't realise is that kids remember being let down. I do, and i'm over 30. My dad still manages to upset me even now.

This whole thread is just a depressing read.

I'm just a horrible person, but I guess it's what self preservation does to someone isn't it? What I'd do is stop taking phone calls so that it all had to be via text/ e-mail to ensure a written record (obviously let him know it's what you're doing) and you've got a perfectly good reason to tell him you don't want to speak to him: he's hugely agressive.

Then, as I said earlier, and struwelpeter said much more clearly as well, get something in writing about visiting/ making cancellations and amendments to visits etc...

In all honesty I'd not let him come tomorrow at 9 o'clock at night. That's too late. Tough shit. It's not like he's a really good bloke who makes such a big effort and now he's inescaably got committments so that's the only time he can do for a genuine reason is it? He's just a twat (by the sounds of it).

Mind you, how old is DS2? TBH My DC1 is neary 10 and I'd say 9pm is a bit flipping late to pick her up (unless circumstances were exceptional).

and is there one for [g&t] (if there isn't, there should be!)

He is just a total twat.

Ds2 is 4.5yrs old, he has been so excited about staying at daddy's. So I am not too keen on stopping him going as it will break his heart.

I have said he can come at 10 on Saturday morning as ds2 is not an early riser. But he is insisting on being here at 9.

Oh single it's so hard isn't it? I'm lucky in that dd's dad just went away without a fight and never tried to be part of her life again. But i've been there, i've seen them watching the road with tears in their eyes over some prick who couldn't be arsed to turn up. You really need to give him a kick up the arse somehow .

Thedogs, have been through this before with DS1, but his father gave up all together after a few months and has stayed away for years now.

DS2, is a very different child and unlike ds1 is old enough to see what is happening. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I am letting him go tomorrow as otherwise he will be upset but this is going to be the last time without it in writing and me seeing a solicitor. Think that's all there is left to do now.

Sounds like a pretty sensible way to go, good luck with it, I'm sure he won't be happy to hear all of his unreliability will be doccumented from now on... hopefully it'll make him think twice before he lets your ds down though. x