New single parent, looking for advice on how to tell the children

[Agent31]

Hello,

My husband and I separated a couple of weeks ago. We have been together for 12 years, married for almost 9. Nothing nasty has triggered the split, no infidelity or anything at all. We have simply grown apart, have nothing in common and don't particular enjoy being with each other anymore. I don't love him anymore and after 8-9months of really trying we have called it a day. Although he is more upset than I am, we are fairly amicable, he is still living here but hoping to move out in the next 2-3 weeks.

We have 3 children, DD age 6, DS age 4 and DS age 2. We want to tell them at the weekend, when we are all together and they then have all weekend to ask questions and everything. We just are a bit stuck about how to tell them. We want to make sure to reinforce that we love them both still and that we always be their Mummy and Daddy, and emphasis what won't change - same home for us, same school etc. I guess what is really troubling me is actually opening the convo and how much information are they able to handle.

Hopefully someone can give me some tips, I'm going to have a nose on the threads and see what other info I can find. I guess I may be here for a while now. I'm Tracy, 31 and live in Sussex, I stay at home full time with the kids, but used to work in dentistry. At the moment I'm aiming to do the teaching assistant qualification next September and then go back to work once DS age 2 has started school.

TIA x

Personally for me I found the kids coped with the fact we had parted. The only trouble came when Ex DP decided to start bad mouthing me to the children.

If the split is on good terms then I think you should just say Daddy is going to be living else where now and that you will still see him lots and lots, and see what they say from there.

Honesty is the best policy I found with my kids.

A piece of advise I wish I had known to be true, please do not agonise over this. I was told by a support worker once I am okay with this, your child will be as well. I kept it all very positive, told him how we were going to live in a happy home, and he kept repeating it all week and think we both believed it more!. They will pick up on your emotions, so I tried very hard not to show child fear around this massive change (even though I felt it). But, thankgod it really is working out for the best and yes we have a happy home!!.
Best of luck to you, thinking of you. Be brave, take a deep breath and enjoy the relief of not carrying this huge burden on yourelf any longer.

Be down to earth, calm and practical about it. Act in the same way as you would if you were telling them about a new school or a house move. By all means tell them all together - but don't expect it to be one big conversation and then it's all over. They're likely to ask a few quesitons, then get on with other things and gradually figure it out over several weeks with more questions.

My DS was 4 when we split and was fine about it really - it was no more upsetting to him than if we were to move house, change jobs or anything else. He asked lots of practical questions about where his toys would go, when he would go to his dad's new place, where he would sleep, etc - so have answers to these kinds of questions ready as well as you can. You're 2 year old won't have a clue what you're telling them, but will figure out the changes as they start to happen. But as long as you keep things amicable between the two of you it can work out fine. My DCs have alwasy been quite happy with their two home arrangement.

have a look on here

www.separatedfamilies.info/families/ scroll to telling you children .

jsut give them facts dont expect too many questions - questionss may come later out of the blue.

Thank you so much for your great advice. We ended up telling them on Thursday and it was pretty horrible. As soon as we said the words 'Daddy is going to live somewhere else' they started to cry. But we did lots of talking about positives, such as daddy actually now being able to do school run, living closer to their favourite park and the beach and after 10 minutes or so they were fine. They went to sleep fine and havent mentioned it since. I'm sure over the coming days questions will come out. He's not actually leaving the house until 13th June, so still quite a way off. That's a whole other convo

Hi agent, I am watching thread v closely as I too am preparing to leave the family home with two children. Although difficult at times due to emotional upset am trying to remain as amicable as possible with dad. Relationship ended on my part due to no longer being happy in broken relationship and dp is still 4 months on trying to pretend nothing wrong, all resolvable. However, have realised the only way for it to be accepted is to leave. Difficulty is not only 'making the departure' but also having conversation with 5 yr old about why we are living somewhere else. Makes me feel sick even thinking about what I am doing to little one as so close to his dad, but know in long run will be best for all. Also have dd 1 yrs so hopefully other than being somewhere else she is not going to be hit as hard.

Anyone done anything different to the mum dad love you but have decided to live apart conversation, do you do it before you leave or once you R settled in new home. I am not expecting this to be easy but want to cushion my little one from any. One dupset than he is already going to have to dealwith.

Heart goes out to all those that are going through this hiddeous situation and take my hat off to all those tht have survived and are happier....

Bumping....