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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

ds surname?

18 replies

savy57 · 25/04/2012 16:52

ok so ds has always had his dads surname its on his birth certificate his passport and bank account ive also just registered him for school with this name as ive always used it
ds has very limited contact with his dad he doesnt pay for him in general hes no that intrested in ds at all all through his own choice

regarding his surname ds has started saying his name is *** my surname now hand on heart this is nothing to do with me at all like ive said ive always used his dads surname for him because thats what hes had since hes been born but ds is getting really frustrated with this issue and is determind he doesnt want to be his dd surname and wants to use mines, ive been trying lately to explain everything to him why he has dads surname etc but hes not having any of it

now do i just leave it as it is and pretty much tell him that is what his name is end off or should i change his name at the school doctors etc... and allow him to use my second name through his own choice (obviousally i know by law, birth certificates passports banks ect he will have his dads surnames)

i do think if his dad found out he would go of his head as hes very controlling and angry violent etc so there would be no chance of him signing to get birth certificate changed

any advice greatly appreciated

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Original poster

savy57 · 25/04/2012 16:53

should probaly say ds is starting school this year so hes not actually started yet

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 25/04/2012 18:00

I think that schools recently received guidance that said that they had to check and make sure DC's were registered in their legal name - there have been a few cases where the school has been caught out, so they are now advised to make sure - in fact, I remember having to take DD's birth certificate into school a few years ago so they could confirm their records were accurate!

DfE guidance to schools

balia · 25/04/2012 18:47

Think you'd need his Dad's permission to change his name anyway...d'you think he is using this issue as a way of expressing some difficult feelings about his Dad? I'm not even sure my DS knew my surname when he was 4.

Original poster

savy57 · 25/04/2012 18:56

im not sure to be honest im not even sure how to deal or approach the whole situation, hes into the whole family thing just now ds that is not his dad he wants to know who everybody is what there names are how they are related etc.. and i think maybe because all my family have my surname he just wants the same as he has no contact with any of his dads family at all and he sees his dad once a month sometimes twiced in a contact centre
he enjoys going to see his dad, before xmas he was quiet angry about him and when talking about him (he wasnt seeing him at all at this point) but since contact has been started up again he seems to be all right regarding his feelings towards his dad

OP posts:

belleshell · 25/04/2012 19:55

how about a twin barrelled name, then he has both surnames. just an idea

FannyBazaar · 25/04/2012 20:47

Is your surname the same as your Dad's? Mine is, I have explained it to DS like that, he has his Dad's surname, I have my Dad's surname, some people get married and change their names, some don't. We live in a very diverse area with so many variations so it isn't expected that children and parents will all have the same surnames.

foolonthehill · 25/04/2012 21:29

can double-barrell surname with yours as middle or registerDS as his given name and then request that he is "known as". But really i think he's a bit young to be choosing!

curiositykitten · 26/04/2012 16:56

AFAIK he can be 'known' by your surname but still use his 'real' one for official documents - bank accounts, etc.

He is far too young to be making that decision for himself though, so I'd just tell him (if he were my DC) that his name is X and that's the end of it!

121 · 26/04/2012 17:03

Can't you just let him use it? If you feel comfortable using his official last name, go ahead and use it for school, but I think it's sweet that he's been using yours, and if it's something happening because of an underlying anxiety about not feeling connected enough to you or whatever, then surely the worst thing would be to tell him off for it, or that he can't do it?

Does it really matter? My daughter managed to convince a few of the other kids (and some parents!) at her nursery that her name was 'hername-Fairy' (god help us!)

I'm pretty sure that as long as you are not using an alternative name for illegal purposes you are allowed to use whatever you want.

balia · 27/04/2012 21:50

Not sure that is true, actually - you can change your own name or use whatever name you like, but changing a child's name, even by usage (eg not officially) has to be ok'd by all those with PR.

LimitedAppeal · 28/04/2012 00:02

Could you actually explain the situation to your exp, maybe through a third party, and actually ask him if he would agree to your sons request to change his surname to yours? You say he would go off his head and get angry etc - but if he really has nothing to do with his son/pays no money etc, then he might be persuaded.

If he agrees, then you can get a court order (exP would have to agree) and then your son can officially be called by your surname. You can't ever change a birth certificate but you can certainly get all other important documents into his new surname - passport, doctors registration, school etc.

I got a court order to change my son'e surname back to mine after my OH left us and went awol.

If you ex completely refuses to agree, well you can still call your son by whatever name you choose/he chooses. but officially he will still be your exp's surname. When he is older he can change it by deed poll.

Lovemy3kids · 28/04/2012 09:04

My son has a different surname than me, his brother and sister. When he was at primary school we wrote a letter to the headmaster asking him to be known by our surname. When he later went on to senior school, they asked what his birth name was and the name he wanted to be known as. We also changed the dentist/doctors/opticians etc to our surname. We had written to his biological father twice asking to change DS's name to ours, but he refused. We expplained this to our DS and advised him that, when he reached 16 he could change his name by deed poll if he still wanted to (DS asked about changing his name when he was 5). He is now 14 and unfortunately my H and I separated last year and I am not sure what DS wants to do with regards to his surname....but will tackle that as and when it crops up.

NotaDisneyMum · 28/04/2012 14:58

When he was at primary school we wrote a letter to the headmaster asking him to be known by our surname.

Schools have now been advised not to do this - the advice I linked to below is as recent as last year and requires schools to seek independent evidence (i.e. not from the RP) that all those with Pr are in agreement.

The reasoning is to ensure that schools do not inadvertently get involved in a battle between separated parents. In the case of the OP, the NRP has chosen not a part of the DC's life - but in some cases, the NRP is sidelined and excluded by the RP, and schools have, in the past, taken the word of the RP and the DC has been deprived a relationship with their NRP as a result.

wickedestsminthewest · 29/04/2012 07:46

It sounds like a faze to me, I would listen and confirm that you understand his feelings but tell him he'll have to wait until he's 18 (or is it 16? That's a bit scary) to change it.
My feeling on names is that mums could change anyway, but Dads will always be. So best to stick with that one.

wickedestsminthewest · 29/04/2012 07:47

At 3.5 my dd decided she wanted to be called Dave no family connection, just liked it!

FannyBazaar · 29/04/2012 23:18

My DS also wanted to be called Dave... or Alan!

purpleroses · 29/04/2012 23:38

Before they start school, kids don't really think anything of you not living with their dad. It's what they've always known. But once they start school they become aware that most other kids have a dad who they live, and need to get their heads round why they don't . Would guess that your DS is probably at this stage, and needs to be reassured of where he fits in his family - Could you draw him a family tree to show how he's related to all your family? And add his dad on too, to show where that name comes from? You could also point out any physical similarities or personality traits that come from your side of the family, so he feels connected.

Would agree with others that chaning his surname would be unwise at his age - and would might well damage whatever contact he does have with his dad.

mrsmcv · 02/05/2012 00:43

had the same with my dd who is five, she wants my surname and it's honestly nothing to do with me. I don't want her to change her surname as her own is rather nice in my opinion but she's adamant and has asked her dad without my knowledge. You can imagine how that went down.... and you can imagine me standing there trying to persuade him and the cafcass officer it was nothing to do with me.

I told dd that I would be happier if she had both mummy and daddy's names if she wanted to change it at all and that it was up to her (she's nearly six so I've been told the courts would take her seriously if she were to be asked). After that conversation, the issue went away and she still has dad's surname.

I think it was indicative of her wanting to 'take sides' somehow and for her, certainly, expressing it was as good as doing it. I would have changed it had she persisted.

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