How much access

[choozyfloozy]

I am in process of splitting with dp, he is quite an unreasonable man and we have not sorted anything yet, he has a solicitor, I am still trying to find out if I am eligible for legal aid, I am a sahm and have no access to money.

I am wondering how much access is usual? We have two DCs, 2.10 and 6 months. Not sure we will be able to sort this amicably between us and I am worrying now. I am going to see CAB on Friday to see if they can help me, I cannot fathom the eligibility calculation online at the government's Legal Services site.

Any other advice is greatly welcome, dp has a solicitor and has sent me a letter saying he wants mediation about finances and the DCs, but he is very manipulative and unreasonable. we jointly own our house. Can't think what else would be helpful to know...

Well, mediation could be a good thing if he's unreasonable as there'll be someone else there. It's also a prerequisite to any court proceedings so don't refuse it as you'll then look bad if it does go to court.

The amount of access depends on a number of things. Obviously it's in your dc's best interests to have a decent amount of time with him ( assuming he's not violent or a risk in any way ). I'd suggest you ask him how much access he wants and work from there. But a six month old will need short but frequent access working towards overnights at ( insert debatable age here ) .

You are entitled to 20% of his net income in child support payments through the CSA, better to sort it between you, but not if he's unreliable.

There are also tax credits which someone will be along to tell you about i'm sure soon.

Also don't be intimidated by his solicitor.

Keep any abusive emails / texts.

Keep a record of anything relevant.

Well, my ex probably regards me as unreasonable and a right pain in the arse because I want to see more of OUR daughter.

Can you qualify what you mean by unreasonable - it might just be you have differing views on parenting?

People often seem to feel that 'every other weekend and a midweek tea' is 'usual' but personally I think that is woeful and in any case is inappropriate for your DC's due to their age. Ideally, every family tries to work out a contact pattern to suit them, and 50/50 is becoming a little more 'usual'. CAFCASS guidelines say 'little and often' for infants. What do you think he might ask for?

Mediation is a standard first step and can be very helpful but i would suggest that issues to do with the DC's are dealt with first, and separately from finances - trying to do too much will make things far more difficult and they have to be the priority.

For legal aid you have to have less than about £700 a month income after mortgage etc has come out but also depends on how many children etc.

Why don't you contact your local CAFCASS and speak to them and ask them how much contact time they would recommend they are more than happy to give a bit of advice I think. Then you can put forward suggestions to your ex. As difficult as it is try really hard to separate his behaviour towards you from his ability to be your kids father. This is a really horrible time and stressful and so you can get swept away in battles that aren't really about parenting your children.

Definitely go for mediation and if you can think of anything that he might come up with that you find unreasonable and then you can give an explanation as to why and also you can think up other alternatives without it being too explosive. Always think of what is best for your kids. For example I can't be in the same room as my Ex as I really hate him for everything he put me through. I no longer do the hand overs as I want to electrocute his bollocks and this is something I do not want my DS to pick up on. It is not fair on DS to associate my feelings of anger and hate with his dad turning up. Kids pick up on everything and this is what I told my Barrister and the CAFCASS officer and made me look good which was a bonus. Try and see everything from your kids perspective which at times can be really fucking hard when faced with a selfish prick!

Unless your DP is a useless father and wouldn't look after your kids properly focus on what is good in reference to your kids. I think my Ex is a lousy excuse of a man but my DS loves him and has fun with him, he is safe and looked after okay. We have some different parenting values i.e. he only wants to do the fun stuff and none of what I call the daily grind of having a kid. When I spoke to CAFCASS, after being dragged to court by ex for exactly the same contact he was already getting (don't ask!) I explained I had no issues with ex having DS and that DS needed to have a relationship with his dad. If you remain the calm one that puts the children first then you have nothing to worry about. Mind you I ranted like a looney so didn't remain calm but I did come across as someone who cared deeply for my DS and put what was best for him over my anger, bitterness and hate for his father. He looked a fool for taking me to court in the first place and refusing mediation.