What can a single dad do to keep fully in touch with newly estranged son?

[monkies]

I am writing on behalf of a friend who was the sole caregiver for his son for his son's first ten years of life. He also brought up his ex-partner's other 4 children as their father. When she left him (5 years ago) she took the four with her but left the youngest with his dad. After ten years of occasional visits to his mum (3 hours drive away) she has now encouraged the youngest to join the rest of the family and my friend is left bereft. He does not know what to do with himself. He is a primary school teacher and has many concerns about the lifestyle and environment that his son will now be exposed to (there are a lot of drugs, older children using drugs and alcohol, truanting etc...). He is cautious of telling his son how much he misses him and has allowed his son to chose where to live because he feels that it is in his son's best interests to make his own decision (I disagree) but now that his son has decided to leave he doesn't know what to do or what his rights are. Can anyone advise on the best course of action? So far, the son has only been away for a week. My friend doesn't know whether he should try to force him to come home or not. Any advice..?

Ok, this is a difficult one... He has been the main carer for this child for ten years and surely that would put him in a better place than that of a 10 yr old to decide what's best for him in the long term?

I would say that the child will miss him and come back when the novelty wears off. But, if he wants to take legal action to bring him back, then the sooner the better as the courts would be reluctant to move a child again if he has already settled into the new family environment and school, especially if the mum doesn't want the child to go back.

Having said that, forcing the child to come back may backfire in the child being more resolute to move to his mum's in a permanent basis, so I think that I would start by keeping a good track on how the child is performing in the new environment and jump at the opportunity to bring him back as soon as the child shows signs not to enjoy the new place as much as he expected? And also to ensure that he has as much contact as possible in his new role of non resident parent as possible (ie. asking for the child to be back every weekend, yeah I know, long distance, but IME not worth risking more spaced out visits).

I would also say that it is not a good idea to appeal to the child conscience by saying how much he misses him, that is emotional blackmail, it would be much better in this circumstances if he played to be disney dad until things are back to normality. (I think).

Hmm, I'm also thinking how old is the child, you say your friend has been sole caregiver for first 10 years, but his ex-partner has only moved away 5 years ago? So who is the mother? I'm right royaly confused about the ages and who's who to be honest?!?!

Boy is ten years old and has been raised by dad, child has now moved to mum's.

If your friend wants his ds to grow up in a risky environment around drugs, alcohol et al then leave him there....

Otherwise go and pick him up today.

Surely he has a responsibility to his dc to keep his exposure to such an environment to a minimum ?

he should not have let him move.
he should have said "when you sixteen you can choose"

he should colelc him bring him back, tell him he has to finish his school year out in current school - has he another year to go or has secondary place already near dad?

Thanks all - very helpful - I agree that he should collect him straight away and the sooner the better. The 'choose when you're 16' is a good one and I'll advise him against the emotional blackmail that could be construed in a heartfelt plea to the son. I also agree about the novelty etc... The dad is just scared that if he puts his foot down then the son might hate him for it etc.. Definitely will tell him to keep track and keep in close contact with the new school teacher for any signs of truanting etc (as the other kids the mother has have done).

Sorry whiteandnerdy, I see what you mean, yes mum was there is body for the first 5 years but not really in spirit if you like. She is so laid back and selfish that her impact on the children was negligible. The father and son were so much better off when she left to be with another man. (A decision which showed no regard for the 5 children; she whipped them all out of school and moved them to a new very dodgy home...etc)

Anyway, it's helpful to hear your views. Thanks all.