Ex not present while children are having contact

[26minutes]

Ex used to have children every other weekend Friday-Sunday. Recently changed to Fri night only as he's unable to have them on the Sunday. Then a few weeks later he was unable to have them on the Friday night as well as he's finally got off his arse got a job and works Friday nights until 11pm.

He's been with his gf for a few years on and off, as far as I can tell more off than on, however they've just moved in together and he's now wanting me to drop the children off to his gf on a Friday night. Obviously if he's working until 11, he's not going to be home until nearly midnight so the point of them going round there on Fri night is what?

I've said no because afaic the contact is for him and the children not for his gf and the children and imo the relationship is not steady enough for him to claim that she is family and so therefore the contact is family based rather than dad based. Not sure where I stand though if he was to kick up a fuss.

so the point of them going round there on Fri night is what?

Being there when the wake up in the morning ? Coming home and seeing them sleeping in bed ? Being there if they wake in the night ? Possibly.

I think really you should agree how much time the kids are at his. from that point on it's not really up to you if he gets a child minder or his g/f to look after the kids unless they are at risk.

Where do I stand though? Who is the contact for? Him or his gf?

There are lots of issues that I don't want to go into I just want to know if I have to let his gf look after them because he's demanding it.

What we were told was we did not have any right to know who BM left DSD with so she didn't have any right to know who DSD was with then in the care of the BD

You can't do anything about it.

It's his contact - legally it's up to him who he leaves them with and what he does while they are in his care.

Unless he has supervised contact.

26 I guess I'm answering from my perspective. And those are the reasons I'd give if it were me. I sometimes go to check my dd at night and sit there watching her sleep.

I don't doubt that there are other issues and I understand you don't want to go into it. I obviously don't know what he's like or his motivations.

But again, it 's an issue of how much contact you agree on with him. It's his business what happens from that point.

Sorry MrGin, I didn't mean to jump down your throat. I know there are good NRPs out there who actually give a damn about their children and actually want to spend time with their children. Unfortunately for them he's not one of them and he's upset me and annoyed me this morning and you've got the brunt of it.

What smurfy says makes sense though. I've been thinking that by saying no to the Friday night would be like saying they could never be left with DH. But if it was the other way round I wouldn't be asking him to drop them off with DH while I wasn't going to be there at all.

I'm going to stick to no though for this week as it's a new flat, new place, DS2 isn't good with change and they've only ever seen the gf a handful of times for no longer than an hour so hardly fair to dump a child with behavioural problems on her when he could well go into meltdown and I'll have to look at my decision for the future weekends. TBH from what they've said about her they'll probably be better looked after by her than they will by him (worse would be difficult).

No worries 26 I didn't take it that way.

I'd say it would be fine on an occaisional basis to drop them round on the gf if she's ok about it and so are your dcs. But it's a bit rubbish as the one night a week they spend with their dad for him to be out all evening every week. I'd ask him if he could change his hours or have them a different night. How about Sat am til Sun am?

I did tell him it wasn't on when he changed his shift to the late one. He hasn't worked for over 3 years prior to this (deliberately got himself the sack at his old job to avoid maintenance payments). Apparently it was impossible to stay on the early shift.

He's never been interested in having them any time other than the fortnihgtly weekends that were agreed. He can't have them on Sat night as he has community service on Sundays.

Like I said, there are other issues.

Having given the matter a lot of thought over the day I would actually rather deal with the gf than him anyway, I've never met her but anything would be better than having to lay eyes on him. So dropping them to her would actually be better for me and if I'm not working myself up into a state every other weekend that has to be better for the DCs.

Is there a court order in place re contact?

No there's not.

perhaps let them get used to the new set up for a couple of months (3-4 visits) and reassess it together then if things are stable.

Well that was weird. Found the place, pressed the buzzer, door didn't open. Then a man came out who I thought was just leaving so I went past him, he looked a bit bemused, then followed us up and we got lost trying to find the flat. He showed us where it was, seemed to know where we were going. No idea who this man was, possibly the gf's dad??? The gf was there and she seemed ok. But all very very odd. Not only am I now expected to leave the children with the gf but he was clearly expecting this man to just take them from me off the street. WTF?! Absolutely bricking it though as the way into the flat is via a balcony. DS2 has behavioural problems that I'm trying to get sorted, he has no self control, no concept of danger etc and I'm absolutely bricking it about him being near a balcony. Plus added to that my brother died after falling from a balcony, as you can imagine I'm a nervous wreck.

Pizza Hut for dinner and Irn Bru, calm my nerves.