Seperating - How do you explain it to a 3 yr old

[MummyJules]

Some of you may have read my other messages so sorry If I am repeating myself - I am in the middle of going through a seperation with my partner(he is not aware I am leaving him and won't be until I leave due to the fact I know he will go to extremes lengths to stop me going or leaving my DD) I know it sounds awful and it is and I am hating the situation I am at in the mo but I really can't think of another way.
I am planning on renting privately as the waiting list for council accomodation is years long. I just wondered as a single mum to a 3 yr old dd, who doesn't work (have applied for uni for this Sept) how I am going to cope!!
I am so nervous about going it on my own as I have never lived on my own before but I just can't stay in this relationship anymore.

How do I explain to my DD where her Daddy is? (He may even try to commit suicide which is just an horrendous thought), I have no idea how is going to take it.

Not a lot of help here as I left my ex when ds was just 1 year old but he has ASD so doesn't understand anyway.
Try keeping it simple, saying that you both stiil love her, That she will still see him but you will not be living together.
Try emphasing the points about her having 2 bedrooms, 2 homes etc to take the attention off the fact that you will not be together.

no personal experience but I have worked with separated families so for what it's worth these are my thoughts:
I think you will have to be super, super re-assuring and tell her that Daddy will ALWAYS be her daddy and that will never change. You will ALWAYS be her mummy and that will never change. You will BOTH always love her and are BOTH very very happy that you have such a lovely daughter.

If she asks why you are separating, do you think rather than trying to explain in adult terms that you don't love eachother anymore or whatever, it might be better to keep it really simple and say something like "me and daddy are just all finished with living together". I thought it might be more an age appropriate way to think about it - some mums and dads are finished living together, some aren't - etc.

I would also bear in mind that at this age this won't be a one time only conversation but you will need to re-iterated and reassure more times than you could believe! Keep saying it as often as she needs you to.

In my experience change is very hard for this age group so I'd put your "extremely patient" head on and try to give her some slack over any worsening behaviour for a while.

Also, routine extremely important so try to establish something consistent or keep to what you already have if possible. I would also say you might have to be superhuman in your restraint to keep positive about your ex in the coming difficult times but I have seen how damaged kids get when they witness extreme antipathy between their parents. It's heartbreaking.

Lots of good luck to you both, hope you manage to get things sorted.

Thanks so much for your words of wisom Sparklemagic. I am willing to do anything to reassure my little girl and I hope her Daddy will do the same although I am not sure. She is such a Daddy's girl and sometimes cries when he is at work so goodness knows what it is going to be like when we are not living together. Fingers crossed!

Didn't know whether to say this but will anyway! In my experience it has been very very important to kids to have contact with both their parents. (obviously in bad cases of abuse this can't be the case). but in the times to come I would keep in mind how good it will be for your daughter's sense of self worth and self esteem, to have parents who think SHE is worth talking about together, even if it's just polite comments about what time to pick her up or whatever.

I think my point is that you already know your ex will take this badly - he will be angry and feel rejected which is never a good combination for acting at our best! So keep your patient head on with him too - not to be nice to him but just for the sake of your daughter's future contact with him. I'd definitely expect there to be very difficult times with this but at the end of the day, if you don't rise to any bait and always keep contact available for your daughter, then you have done all you possibly can for her and she can ask no more of you!

Hope you manage to sort practicalities out - sure you've thought of CAB advice. Also Gingerbread? And Parentline Plus are good, open 24 hrs a day I think for advice.

just wanted to add my experience

slightly different as my husband left me for someone else

DS is nrly 4
DD is 19mths and I think will be OK as too young to understand so will just accept this as the norm going forward

its been 3 mths for me.
I have NEVER said anything negative about H.
I am ALWAYS positive about him.
I constantly (daily) have to reassure DS that daddy still loves him.
I have told DS that daddy doesnt want to be married to me anymore. Simple facts.
We are always pleasant in front of kids (perhaps too cival as DS still seems confused and thinks daddy will come on holiday with us if I ask him)

try to be patient with your H
While I respect your decision, it will be Very hard for your H and even harder for him - at least I have the kids to keep me going

the way I look at it is, the kids are the innocent ones....if you try your best to keep contact for your DD and dont rubbish her daddy, you've done your best - which is your job as mummy.

it is really really hard though AND if you feel like shouting at your H in coming months, dont, and come on here instead.

oh yes - let your H phone every night if he wants to - just hand phone to DD str away and when shes finished, just switch it off
I do this and it helps on the days I dont feel like talking to H.

good luck!!