How Did You Leave Your Partner?

MummyJules · 2006-02-09T10:53:46+00:00

I am in the middle of going through a seperation with my partner(he is not aware I am leaving him and won't be until I leave due to the fact I know he will go to extremes lengths to stop me going or leaving my DD) I know it sounds awful and it is and I am hating the situation I am at the mo but I really can't think of another way. I am planning on renting privately as the waiting list for council accomodation is years long. I just wondered as a single mum to a 3 yr old dd, who doesn't work (have applied for uni for this Sept) how I am going to cope!! I am so nervous about going it on my own as I have never lived on my own before but I just can't stay in this relationship anymore. I am sure people have lots of experiences and may be able to help me get through this difficult time. Please?! Hope someone can offer some advice! Thanks

Original poster

MummyJules · 09/02/2006 10:58

Im also thinking about practically - I think I will have to slowly move out a few things that he won't miss and then one day when he is at work my friends will help me move out properly....

OP posts:

tammybear · 09/02/2006 11:03

I split up with my ex when dd was 8 months. I tried more than once to split up with him, but he wouldn't have it. In the end, I sent him to his parents for a "break" and then had to split up with him that way because he just wouldn't have it.

You should prepare yourself by going to the CAB, that's what I did. They told me what benefits I would be able to apply for. If you want to rent privately, then if you are on income support, then you should get housing/council tax benefit. Also make sure you claim child benefit and child tax credit in your name, if you are already getting these.

There may also be a rent deposit guarantee scheme in your area which you can ask about at your council or CAB. The scheme we have here helps people on low incomes/benefits to rent privately, by paying the deposit for you in a bond to the landlord, and you come up with the first 4 weeks rent, rather than that and the deposit too. Maybe that's an idea

But I also wish you luck, and hugs

Original poster

MummyJules · 09/02/2006 11:34

Thanks tammybear - Off to the CAB in a bit so will definately ask about the rent deposit scheme, I know they have this in London and I thought it was exclusive to that area but hopefully not!

Houses/Flats are so expensive where I live and I am quite choosy about the area as I want DD to go to the same playgroup to keep some stability in her life, be near her father and plus I am going to Uni near home so it would be a lot easier if I can stay in the same area.

OP posts:

tammybear · 09/02/2006 11:51

if you do get housing benefit, double check with landlords that they are ok with accepting it. and yeah rent prices are ridiculous around here. when my contract ends, im gonna have to move to somewhere cheaper, but i am in a house at the moment. got my fingers crossed for you that you will find something

Kelly1978 · 09/02/2006 12:03

Hi mj,

I've been through this, I was a mother of an 18 month old, and pg with no.2. I tried to leave a few times, but he wouldn't have it. I finally snapped and went behind his back. I was in a violent situation so went up the council, and got a refuge place for that day. If you have children, and are homeless the council is obliged to offer you emergency housing. I got a friend to help me, and packed as much stuff as we could get in the car and moved out, all before he even got home from work. I then went back a couple of weeks later, broke in (he'd changed the locks) and removed the rest. It sounds awful, but I had no choice at the time. As I was officially homeless I went straight to the top of the housing list and was offered a flat in a nice area after 5 months or so.

Renting privately is a nightmare, many landlords won't accept HB at all, and many areas don't fund deposits. If you def want to rent privately you would need to save up quite a lot beforehand.

Loobie · 09/02/2006 15:29

My friend is going throuhg the same thing at the moment,i am already single and have been for nearly 4 years so know the ins and outs and have been helping my friend.
We recently went to an advice shop(similiar to CAB)and they told her something i hadnt heard of before,you can put in a claim for income support up to 2 weeks before you leave,so that when the time comes that you leave the money is nearly sorted out for you instead of having no money while your claim is sorted out.Contact your local housing office/council as they often have lists of housing to let while you wait on the list.Agree with kelly,double check that any housing you look at accepts HB as this is something my friend is stumbling over,there are not that many in our area.

lou33 · 13/02/2006 15:04

Mine was a bit protracted. I left him in may for a few days til he persuaded me things would be different. They weren't, and we started going to relate. By the end of the summer beginning of autumn i was really unhappy and kept telling him so, but he didnt listen. In october i asked him to move out and he took no notice. Then i developed an online friendship with another man, and when i was in thailand in november, xh hacked into my email and read a message from him. Xh asked me to stop speaking to this man, and i said no, partly because i didn't want to, but mainly i wanted a way out that he would finally listen to.

Jasmine123 · 29/05/2006 09:14

I'm in a similar situation, husband won't have it, any attempts to talk about separation are received with well you've got what you want now (i.e. a wonderful daughter) well that might have worked when she was small but she's nine and the arguments continue especially at weekends. ALso he says in front of her that I'm getting rid of him. Apart from the damage this is doing to md
it implies that he is the victim in all of this and has no part to play in the breakdown. Plus we have a home between us and I've been advised not to leave yet, or I may lose out.
horrendous situation I'm in.

happysinglemum · 31/05/2006 13:26

I was left!!! Completely out of the blue, a week after we found out I was preg. On reflection, suspect he may have been having second thoughts anyway, but then preg was last straw for him...he wanted the batchelor lifestyle that he'd missed out on coz he lived at home until his mid-20s (sad to say he's back at home now though!!!!).

Grotty six months, but now have baby, and can honestly say I wouldn't have it any other way...have discovered how much of myself I'd changed to fit into what he wanted.

jellyjelly · 20/06/2006 17:33

i left mine because i found out he was having an affair 2 weeks before our wedding, i am trying to sort myself and my sons life out who is 3.5 and it only happened this weekend. So very newly single but dont feel it yet and i wonder if i will until i leave our house.

jabberwocky · 20/06/2006 17:42

I did not have children with my ex-h but had to leave in a similar way. Had tried to leave for years and it always turned into a scene. I had everything almost in place and he figured it out. Had one last horrible fight but stood my ground and left in a dramatic scene of thunderstorm and one overnight bag! I was able to go back in a couple of weeks and get my things out of the house (he had agreed to stay away for the weekend).

It sounds as if you have a very good plan in place, just keep your cool and try not to give yourself away.

On the plus side, I lost 8 pounds that I had been struggling with during the whole thing

jellyjelly · 20/06/2006 19:05

YES MUST SAY WEIGHT loss has been great the lighest i have been in 3.5 yrs. I might even be a size 12 as my 14 are falling down.

PanicPants · 20/06/2006 19:18

I left my husband in a very long drawn out way. After we had 'split' up we still lived in the same house for 5 months - not ideal but neither of us wanted to move out (luckily we didn't have children)

But on a note of caution - my dp's ex left him suddenly when their dd was still a baby, he was working away during the weekdays and came home to find she'd cleared out, taking their dd and all the furniture. He was devastated. Even now 9 years on it still brings him to tears.

Although I know I've only got his side of the story bear in mind how this sort of thing damages lives and has an impact on the future for all of you.

lilibet · 20/06/2006 19:25

I did exactly what you seem to be planning to do, I took things out of the house for a month or so without him noticing and then on the day I took the children to school and after that some friends and I went back to mine, each with a list and I left. By the time I went for the children the whole new house was sorted so that it looked like home for them. I then rang him and told him.

I didn't take everything, had already got some second hand furniture in place and I took half of everything else.

Good Luck!

Hillary · 20/06/2006 19:42

I was in a similar situation left my partner, not married, went to council, they put me in emergency accomodation, after 2 years of hostel to hostel they found me intentionally homeless and wouldn't help me anymore so i advise you go to shelter first and see where you stand!

I tried to find private rental but couldn't find a landlord who would accept. I have just found a rental company who take housing benefit and they have offices all over england they require a deposit but you can get a loan from Social Security for this! Have a look www.belvoirlettings.com

Good luck X

Hillary · 20/06/2006 19:42

I was in a similar situation left my partner, not married, went to council, they put me in emergency accomodation, after 2 years of hostel to hostel they found me intentionally homeless and wouldn't help me anymore so i advise you go to shelter first and see where you stand!

I tried to find private rental but couldn't find a landlord who would accept. I have just found a rental company who take housing benefit and they have offices all over england they require a deposit but you can get a loan from Social Security for this! Have a look www.belvoirlettings.com

Good luck X

Hillary · 20/06/2006 19:43

I was in a similar situation left my partner, not married, went to council, they put me in emergency accomodation, after 2 years of hostel to hostel they found me intentionally homeless and wouldn't help me anymore so i advise you go to shelter first and see where you stand!

I tried to find private rental but couldn't find a landlord who would accept. I have just found a rental company who take housing benefit and they have offices all over england they require a deposit but you can get a loan from Social Security for this! Have a look www.belvoirlettings.com

Good luck X

Hillary · 20/06/2006 19:45

Sorry for repeating myself!!!!!