Baby's dad wants to watch him on his own...

[MummySunshine]

Hi all,

DS is 3 and a half weeks old, I was single through my pregnancy and am a single mother, but his dad is around. He visits every few days, for around 15 minutes usually, to see DS and have a cuddle with him.

I mentioned to him last night that we needed to come to an arrangement regarding child support, and he agreed, but said that if he is going to pay child support he wants DS to be in his care too sometimes. Originally he wanted overnight stays, I said I felt it way too early, and he eventually backed down to asking To take him out on his own for a few hours.

Although I'm glad he wants to be involved with his son, and I'm keen for them to bond, the thought of leaving my baby absolutely terrifies me. I realise it will never be easy, but I really feel it's too early. I'm anxious not to make him feel like I think he's incapable, but he only sees my son for very brief periods at a time, when DS is usually sleeping. He's never changed his nappy, consoled him when crying, got him to sleep etc.

I understand he may not feel comfortable coming to mine as I live with my family so have offered to meet him at other places or to bring DS to his sometimes as a compromise while I dont feel ready, and to get us both ready for when he does watch DS. I just have no experience of when's an appropriate time for him to have DS on his own. Have spent the whole night stressing picturing my baby leaving me!

In my situation, am I being unreasonable?

YABU because he wants a part in his childs life and he should get to have him overnight like any other dad.
But i can also see why you cant bear to parted as your ds is still so young so your maternal bond will be very strong still.
Maybe you could come to some sort of compromise

I would say that YABU because a baby needs both parents. But I completely understand how you feel about leaving your baby.
I really do think that you need to put your baby's needs first. The baby's father will learn how to look after a baby in much the same way that you did. Has he got any support around him?

Re-reading your thread i can see why you are anxious-15 mins isnt v long and as you say he has never changed him either so i change what i said to YANBU.
15 mins isnt much of an effort at all

I fully intend for him to have overnight stays and access to DS, my point is just not yet

He is welcome at my house any time he wants, but only visits very briefly so I don't feel comfortable with him taking DS when I haven't seen myself that he can look after him.

His family are very supportive, and I know I will be happy for DS to be over there when the time comes.

Is 3 was really an acceptable time for me to be apart from my baby? Did you leave yours with someone at that age?

3 wks* sorry

He is being unreasonable. For a start, he should be paying child support already regardless of what access arrangements are in place. Secondly, can you suggest him spending some more time with you and your DS together first so you can show him how to change nappies, etc? Are you bottle feeding or breastfeeding, as the answer to that will also determine to a large extent how long your DS can be away from you for.

Are you breast feeding? If so, it would be very reasonable to say that he can have him for no more than an hour at a time for now.

But even if you're not, it's normal to feel anxious when you're first away from your new baby. Maybe what you need is to reassure your ex that you do want to build up to him having DS for a few hours, a day or an overnight eventually but that right now he is so very tiny that you'd like to keep it with him visiting you. You could also start to let him take a bit more responsibility when he's with DS - eg change a nappy or try to comfort him when he cries.

First, he needs to have a good few hours with sole care of his son. Assuming you aren't breastfeeding - that might prove difficult for him otherwise!

Overnight with a small baby needs to be built up to.

At 3 weeks old, the longest my children were away from me was an hour or so when someone took them out in the pram while I tried to sleep. I was never away from them overnight until around 18 months, and then only very occasionally. However I realise this is likely to be different if you and the father aren't together any more.

I am bottle feeding, so unfortunately can't give him any reason other than I'm not ready, which i'm not sure he really gets.

Child support and contact are not linked.

I was a LP for most of my pregnancy and until DD was 3.

DD's bio father came round a couple of times a week at first. Certainly when DD was so tiny. Are you breastfeeding? Because no way should a BF baby be away from mum for long at that age.

DD's father and I moved on to 'excursions' and visits to his but he didn't have sole charge of her until she was about 7/8 months old and didn't have her overnight until she was over 1 year old. He didn't KNOW her very well.

To answer your question - my ex's mum took DS out a walk in his buggy when he was a few weeks old. I found it really weird him not being with me - but he was fine, and by the time he was a couple of months old I had left him with trusted friends for an hour or two, or with his dad.

We split up when my DD was 3 months. My ex would come and take DS out mainly, and just visit DD when he dropped DS back - just like yours is doing - at first. Then he used to babysit one night a week - which gave him some time with them both without me, but still with all the stuff that DD needed handy (nappies, etc). He started having DD overnight at his new place when she was about 8 months old. I wouldn't have been happy for overnights before that really.

It's not just that you're not ready though! Does he have any experience with tiny babies?

No court in the land would insist on overnight contact for such a small baby and IMO you would be WELL within your rights to say that you want to be with your baby during contact sessions - at the dad's house, at the park or wherever - until your baby is older.

You'd need to be absolutely sure the dad would, for example, know what to do in an emergency. Does he?

Like another poster has suggested that maybe him increasing the time he spends with ds gradually and then build up to him staying over & also get him to feed, change and wind ds also.
He should have been paying child support from the start

he shoudl be paying regular maintenance whatever the contact arrangement is.

did I leave mine with anyone at 3 weeks? yes. their dad. and dd2 was left with a maternity nurse for an evening while I attended an important school function at my stepson's school. was I a bit uncomfortable? yes. but it was fine.

I can see why he might feel awkward if you live with your family.

I do understand why you are nervous, as he hasn't changed a nappy etc - has he had a chance to and declined? or has it not happened because he feels awkward round at yours, and so goes before the opportunity arises?

you say his family are great and will be suportive - they will help him find his way as you are finding your way, with the help of your family.

I had never changed a nappy before I had dd1. I learnt. I had to (and all the other things - like soothign a baby, settling, etc). your baby's dad will leanr too, if you give him the chance

While I totally understand that you're anxious, OP, did you have to "work up" to overnights, or did you just have to get on with it from birth? This isn't some random stranger, it's the baby's dad, with a supportive family behind him. For your peace of mind, by all means "work up" to overnights, but remember that had you stayed together he's have been helping overnight from birth. He won't learn how to feed, change nappies, console baby etc if you don't let him, and he won't build a strong, loving bond with his baby unless you give him the time and space to do so.

OLKN speaks a lot of sense. Your baby is very new and I remember when DD was so small (and as she was in premmie clothes she really was so small) but even after a week, effectively on my own in a hospital room with her, the three people I did trust were my DH, my mum and my MIL. Technically DH had never cared for an infant before, but then again, neither had I! And I'd been let loose pretty much by myself on the tiniest (my mum later admitted too) I'd ever seen!

How about you let him take LO for a walk, and then a short trip, and maybe back to his for a few hours? I hate this arguement that he doesn't 'know' his child, of course he doesn't, he isn't being given the chaance to!!

What about an overnight in your house? He stays downstairs and the baby can sleep with him in the living room? My mum did this for me several times in the first few weeks as I had a c section and it was great! I got to sleep- she woke me every few hours for a feed (breastfeeding) but then she rocked him back off and I could relax. He wouldn't need to wake you as hell have bottles and you'll only be upstairs if he can't cope.

Could you both sit down and work out a plan to gradually increase the amount/quality of contact? I think I'd be unhappy if I was in your ex's place and the answer to questions about further involvement were 'not yet'. That could be 'next week' or 'when he is 16' or 'when hell freezes over'.

You could try mediation if that would help, having a 3rd party can make things easier. Maybe think about what you would be comfortable doing in a month's time, in 3 months time, in a year's time (obviously if all goes well with the contact and baby is happy etc) and then compare that with what he would like to be doing at those points and then find some middle ground?

I had to let my new born go almost as soon as he was born as he was whisked off to SCBU. Then after a few days I had to go home and leave him in the hospital. It won't kill you, and Dad will be fine walking him round the block in a pram for 30 minutes. He'll come back if there is an issue. Making a bond with Dad is really important, too.

"He's never changed his nappy, consoled him when crying, got him to sleep etc." For the moment I think this is the most important part, at this really early stage you want your child to associate both his dad and his mother with nice cosy feelings. Hence dad needs to spend enough time for child to become tired, or uncomfortable with a poo filled nappy and alike, and then associate both parents with "these are the guys that make the bad feelings go away and make me feel so cosy and nice!" And hence build that really visceral bond between both their parents which will be the foundation of their relationship when the child develops a more intellectual understanding of themselves and their environment.

Me and my ex split when our Son was about 7wks old. I said if he wanted to see him (which I wanted) then he should get over being at my mums house and just spend time with the baby. I sat back n left him to it but i was there in case anything happened (which it never did) Then we just gradually moved up to him taking him to his parents or a couple of hrs then to afternoons out (when he was about 5/6mths old) If your ex was being reasonable he should understand! I think you are doing the right thing! Unless people are in your situation then they dont understand. My Son is now 18mths and spends the wkend at his dads (lives with his parents) Good Luck and stick to your guns!

Agree with OLKN but I also feel strongly for you - it's a heartwrenching time, your hormones are all over the place and at the moment, you probably think you're the only one who can care for him the way you do. I still think that sometimes and my DD is 2.5!

If the dad is a good guy who is being reasonable, I think he has every right to increased access as soon as possible. It's in everyone's interests. Try and work together to formulate a plan you're both comfortable with as your son will only benefit from this over time.

Sweetheart, I totally sympathise with you, I chased my mother across a car park, screaming at her when she took my newborn DD 50 yards from me, the bond was that strong. It's terrifying, your child's only just been separated from you and your hormones are very raw.

On the flip side, a bit of time apart will be okay. It might give you time to have a bath, get your hair cut or relax for an hour. Take it slowly though, explain how you feel and ask your ex to be patient whilst you loosen the bonds at your own pace. It will pay dividends in the future when you do need a bit of time off!