EXH's Partner - might be a bit long

[Becky36]

Ok, I have posted about my exh's partner in step parenting before to try and get some opinions but things have moved on now and I need some advice.

My exh's partner has never spoken to me. She has said hello maybe twice in the four years they have been together. She was not the OW or anything like that and I have no problems whatsoever with her. She is nice to my son (he really likes her) and that it my only concern.

However a few months back I was told that she was saying that my exh has our son too much (one night at the weekend and three hours on a Wednesday after school, no school holidays or anything like that). The advice from the step mums was to offer my exh some weekends off having our son to give them a break. I offered (without telling my exh why I was offering the free weekends) and he said no. I don't want to tell my exh what she said in case it causes trouble between them.

Anyway last weekend she kicked my exh out of their house. She thinks that we are having an affair. We are not. We are pleasant to each other for the sake of our son but that's it.

For background I left him when he hit me in front of our son when he was 18 months old. I divorced him. The divorce took eighteen months because he kept dodging the bloke who was serving the papers. There is no way in hell that I would ever take him back or even entertain the idea.

We are friendly now but that's all and that is for the sake of our son. I don't want him basing his judgement of his dad on what he did to me.

Somehow she has got my mobile number and keeps calling me. I haven't answered because I don't think it's my place to get involved in any way with their relationship.

What do you think I should do?

Exactly what you are doing - ignore her. And don't take your ex back either.

I would guess that she's ringing you because she thinks your ex is with you (presumably he's ignoring his phone too). You could drop her a quick text just to tell her once and for all that you haven't seen your ex, and don't expect to, but really you don't owe her anything.

Hope your ex manages to find himself somewhere to live and keeps up his comittment to your DS. If he's stood his ground to his GF over keeping up the access, against her wishes, that says good things about his comittment to being a good dad.

If she keeps it up, you can change your mobile number or block her calls.

Thank you. There is absolutely no chance of me taking him back. I don't know where she has got that idea from. It took me long enough to get rid of him.

Now don't get me wrong, me and my ex are friendly now but it took years to get there. BUT he is the jedi master of mind games and emotional abuse. I have been where she is, I know what he does to women first hand. Part of me wants to reassure her but I don't want any involvement in their relationship if that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense... Just had texts from my ex's ex-wife. If I ignore her, she thinks he's here (he's not, he's with the woman he dumped me for). I just send quick texts back saying that I've not had much contact and I limit conversation to DD. Absolutely agree with avoiding getting dragged into their stuff. Just reiterate that he's not with you and that the only interaction is about your DS. Don't really know what else you can do.

Personally I would answer my phone. If someone is calling my phone I answer to see what they want. Ignoring it is probabaly adding fuel to the fire if she does think you are having an affair with him. But unless you answer you will never know what she wants. Perhaps he has hit her infront of your son and thinks you should know.

Triple - that is certainly possible but if he has hit her then that is between them and for her to report to the police, as long as it hasn't happened in front of my son.

I don't really want to talk to her for two reasons. Firstly what goes on between them is none of my concern and I don't want to be dragged into their personal life. Since I left my exh I have managed to get to the point where my life is stable and quiet. I would like it to stay that way.

Secondly I just don't feel like having a potential row with someone I don't know. I have never ever had any conversation with her in the four years she has been with him. I actually think that this is part of the problem. If she knew me at all then she would know there is absolutely nothing going on. But that was her choice from the start and I have always respected her position.

I completely understand that you don't want to be dragged in to someone else's business with which you have no concern, and if it turned out to be what she intended then you could simply state that and hang up. I'm just wondering though, as she has always been reasonable before, never giving you any grief and always being nice towards your son (and he likes her) whether there is something she wants to tell you that she feels does concern you (ie. something involving your son).

I'm also curious as to how you know she was saying that she wanted your son to visit less, that she has put him out of their house and that she thinks you and exh are having an affair?

Triple - One of my friends from school is a work colleague of my exh. We are still good friends and he was the one who told me about her wanting my ex to see less of our son. I have known this person since I was seven (31 years!) and I can honestly say he wasn't trying to stir it. In any event I took what was said on board and offered my ex some free weekends, which he said no to. My ex doesn't know what my friend said.

My ex rang me a few weeks ago to ask me if his partner had rang me. I said no, then remembered that I had had two missed calls from a number I didn't recognise. My phone was at home when the calls came in or I would have answered it at the time. He said she was ringing me because she thought that we were having an affair. She didn't call again and they apparently sorted it out and I more or less forgot about it.

My son then told me on Saturday last that Daddy was living at the flat now and that his partner had thrown him out (obviously he said her name not used the word partner). My ex then picked our son up. I didn't say anything about where he was living as it's none of my business.

A bit later on my ex rang to see if I could drop our son's ipod off. He then volunteered that he was at his flat not at home.

She has then been calling my mobile, at least once or twice a day since Saturday night. I asked my ex why she was ringing me as it was making me feel a bit uneasy and he explained that she still thought we were carrying on and that she had thought that for the last two years since I split up with my boyfriend.

I would initially ignore her - she should get the message after a few days. IF she persists, I would answer the phone, state calmly and definitively that you have nothing to say to her and that you will not be drawn into her business. Presumably,if she is out of your exs life, then she is out of your sons life as well, so like you say,you are entitled to a quiet life to help your son adapt to the changes he's now experiencing.

Don't take this the wrong way but you already said your ex was a master of manipulation. Is it possible there's something his partner/ex partner wants to tell you which he doesn't want you to hear?

Telling his colleague she's being an arse about contact for example...he must know that's going to get back to you. But he knows you, and how you react...so he also knows you wouldn't mention it, but that it may make you wary of her.

The only person who has told you she thinks you're having an affair is him.

I'm not saying you're wrong...but I had a manipulative emotionally abusive ex too. He convinced his friends and family that I was a complete nut job over ten years ago and it stuck. I've tried to contact them and they've ignored me because of his lies. My dd has never met her grandparents, they wont have anything to do with us. Basically, he didn't want the truth to come out, that he was a cheating bastard from day one which obviously would have been revealed had he admitted he had a child with me (looong story and no, I had no idea at the time dd was conceived)..but he went to extreme lengths to cover his tracks!

I would answer the phone once and once only, hear what she has to say and leave it at that. If what he says is true that she's convinced you're having an affair and she harrasses you, get a crime number, give it to your network provider and they will give you a free number change.

Just talk to her.

Worst case scenario, she accuses you of having an affair with him.

In which case, you say "Are you KIDDING me? I divorced him because he HIT ME. I work hard at getting along for the sake of our child, but I will NEVER get back with him. I will never want to be with someone who hits me, I'm worth more than that, and if you can't believe that, there's really nothing more to be said."

But it's more likely something else - and whatever it is can't hurt you.

TheFroggy - The time she said to my friend that my ex has our son too much was said by her to my friend when they were on a night out.

Unfortunately I know only too well what my ex is like. It got to the point with him that I didn't even know what my own opinion was about anything. I can well believe that he is manipulating the situation and I am more or less positive that there will be much more to their problems than he is letting on. Knowing him as I do I am also sure that there will probably be at least one OW on the scene. He has never been faithful to anyone he has been with (wise after the event!). But she is barking up the wrong tree if she thinks that person is me.

I wouldn't wish what he did to me on anyone and I feel nothing but empathy with her. It is a shitty place to be.

If she calls again then I will answer and see what she says. I am really pissed off though that after all these years I am being dragged back into his shit again.

I know. it's pants, but one phonecall could be interesting. It is just one phonecall and if you want you can change number afterwards.

ok, I understand it all better now. I agree with froggy, answer the phone just once and see what she has to say, just incase.
fwiw, I am in a somewhat similar situation (completely different but similar) that I just don't want to be involved in with the other side of my DS's family but, unfortunately, because it involves DS it becomes my business too. Could really do without it!
Don't let all this rock you from the good place you have found

Becky....I feel for you....and having been drawn into a similar situation 7 years down the line...where my EX was playing games with two women and I got drawn into it too... I WOULD STAY WELL OUT OF IT!!!!! None of your business stay in the positive land you have found..... You have been there got out of it why would you want to go back to those bad day's....

Triple - That's exactly what I don't want. My little boy has had so much change in his life. We have struggled financially because I chose to get us out of the hell I/we were living in with his dad. Then I made another shite choice of bf (another abusive partner, but in a different way). I ended that relationship when I realised what a dick he was. Since then (two years single now), I have tried to make our home a safe place for him. No drama, no aggro, no men whatsoever.

Now, when I think that things have settled down, I get pulled into my exh's drama yet again. I really don't want anymore stress in our lives.

I had to sell my house because of debt eighteen months ago and we moved within the same village to quite close to my ex. This was because of proximity to my childminder, my son's school and my work. My worry is that she will turn up at my house and cause a scene, which if my son is there, will upset him.

If she calls me again I will speak to her but to be honest I really don't see why their relationship is any of my business and I don't want to be involved.