I'm in a total and utter rut and so so angry, why will he support his other children and not mine?

[sheepgomeep]

My life is a mess, I'm a poor excuse for a mum, a human, a friend everything.

I have 4 dc, two are with an ex, we have an amicable relationship, he pays his way and is quite supportive all in all, no probs there. My dc with him are 12 and 9.

The father of the youngest two is a different kettle of fish. I kicked him out last july after years of increasing aggression, repeated theft from my bank account, his twattishness towards us, his inability to be a man and so much more. He treated me appallingly throughout our relationship but I tried to remain friendly with him and flexible. He would come a couple of nights a week so I could go to work and we would try to work things out.

But he never changed. My biggest gripe with him was that he supports his eldest dc from his previous relationship (who are 10 and 8) and will not support my dc with him who are 4 and 1. he makes up every excuse, he is poor, he has to buy fags (he works f/t) he has to pay rent, But he came to mine flashing a brand new voi tracksuit which cost him sixty quid and goes to darts tiwice a week. I wouldnt begrudge his eldest girls a penny, as they are lovely and his ex has had no end of problems with him too. But why is he so mean to my girls, he never says a goodbye to them, he is irritable, snaps and shouts at them all the time.

Now I'm about to lose my job because of him, I had to reduce my hours in the first place because of all that happened last year, I only do a sat night now. lately he has got the habit of causing a fight so he doesnt come and sit with the kids, sometimes his mum comes but I really dont like her coming as she goes through my things and steals washing powder and socks! And she will not feed the kids (well he wont either, steals money from me to get takeout) My mum finds it hard to cope with 4 dc so she can't either. I was supposed to go tonight but because hes been a tit Ive had to phone in sick again.

Ive fucked up my life so much, Ive fucked up my kids lives, my ds is adhd/asd and we are having horrendous probs with him, he punched and kicked me the other week and he cannot be left with his 4 year old sister on his own.

I'm about to lose my job, they have been patient enough with me as it is and now I will be sacked. I'm so scared I wont get another job, all Ive known is cleaning and retail and with universal credit coming in, what do I do.

I'm irritable with my kids, my almost 2 year old is a horror and a shit smearer and its all my fault for being useless. I feel in such a state, I.m shaking ll the time and shouting at the kids.

Sheep, you're neither a crap mum nor useless and you haven't fucked your life up. In fact you're a great mum for getting your kids away from him in the first place. He sounds horrible and an awful father (he's mean and shouts at a 4yo and 1yo? ). His family don't sound much better and if I were you none of them would step foot over my doorstep. You're not useless, you're a single parent doing the best you can and sometimes it's fucking hard and it's fucking shit. However it's not your fault your ex is an arse.

I can see what you mean about letting work down but it's not your fault. Tbh you may be better off leaving your job anyway - forgive me for saying this but if you only work one night per week (again, no thanks to him!) you probably aren't earning a fortune and may be better off completely on benefits until your youngest is at school. At least you wouldn't have the stress of wondering if your ex was going to let you down every Saturday and he'll no longer be able to 'control' you this way, the arse , because when I read your post my first thought was that he's trying to sabotage your job/life. Don't let him. Call his bluff. As your youngest is only one, you won't be expected to look for work until that child is 5, so don't worry too much about the Universal Credits situation. Maybe you could use the next 4 years to study and/or work out what you want to do long-term. What do you think about maybe doing that?

As for finances, get an application for maintenance put in to the CSA now. Do it tonight/tomorrow (think you can apply online these days). Make sure you mention that he financially supports his other two kids but refuses to do so for yours. And chase them weekly.

Can you contact a health visitor regarding your DC that smears poo? They may have ideas on how to deal with it/prevent it.

And don't beat yourself up for being irritable or snappy with the kids. We've all been there, and you've got a lot on your plate.

BTW, I've always loved your username, I think it's fab .

Sheep :( I didn't realise things were so bad again - I'm sorry.

I couldn't really say anything better/different that what SoftKitty has said.

You are not a crap Mum, not at all. He is a crap dad that's for sure.

CSA!!

Don't be so harsh on yourself, you're doing the best you can in your circumstances!

I know this isn't the point of your post but you said your mum can't help because she "finds it hard to cope with 4 dc". If she can't cope with the youngest, then fair enough but surely the older kids only need an adult to be there in case of "emergency" and can they not help babysitting the younger ones? As in your older children would look after your younger children and your mum would just be there to supervise nothing goes horribly wrong (well she would probably have to do the feeding and nappy changing, but it's not THAT hard work, is it?)

I don't mean to come out judgey or anything, i obviously don't know your family's situation (is your mum elderly/ill? is it the oldest child that has the adhd/asd? etc.) Just trying to come up with a solution..

Hope everything works out for you!

Hello. You are not a failure or a mess or a bad mum and you don't sound as though you've fucked up anything - you are just having a rotten time. Try to remember that this will pass. Your dcs are getting older and more independent by the day

My advice, fwiw, is this;

Unless you are bionic, you are probably physically and mentally knackered. When you are tired everything seems worse. Concentrate first on getting your energy back - go to bed early, with the dcs if necessary. sleep as much as you can. Try to eat as well as you can and drink loads of water. Once you are feeling less tired things will seem better. Perhaps see your doctor to see what he/she suggests?

Try to concentrate on the positives for now. You have a perfectly good relationship with the father of your first two which is to your credit - lots of women don't. You have four beautiful children. Try to do something small but positive with them each day - even if it is to take them all out to get some fresh air at the local park with some sandwiches.

Accept that your ex is a nob. (This is really important) Stop wasting your precious energy in trying to change him. Instead try to change the way you react to him or you will become exhausted.Try to channel the anger you feel into building a life for you and your dcs without him. Go to the CSA but expect nothing from him and then you will not be disappointed.

I don't know what your benefits will be if you stop working but use one of the benefit checkers on line to see. At least then you will know the reality of your position rather than worrying about it. Is one night a week worth the hassle? I'm not an expert but don't you have to do 16hours to get the credit anyway?.

Phone your job in the morning when you are feeling brighter and say that you just want to thank them for bearing with you during such a difficult time and assure them that you will be there next Saturday night. see if you can get your mum or, at a push, his mum, to sit. Anything but rely on him to do it which then puts you in the position that he can let you down. In the meantime start looking around to see what other jobs you could try for (not easy I know)

You say you're a bad friend - could you try to work on your friendships? Perhaps meet one when you're in the park with the dcs?

Have you tried Homestart? They offer help to parents who have dcs under 5 and who are struggling.

I've got to go but will be back - it's bloody hard work being a single mum so sending you a well deserved hug.

Hello everyone, many thanks for replying

I think I have reached the point where I am mentally and physically exhausted and something does have to give doesn't it. I am disorganised and chaotic and coping with life just seems to be so hard.

ok, as for work, I would probably be better off not working at the moment but I'm scared to give it up completely. I am worried that I would not be able to find other work, its easier to get a job when you are employed I think but then again the benefits of not working outweigh working. I am entitled to carers allowance too but again I am too reluctant to claim that. I mean it will be probably be cut soon anyway so i wont miss it if Ive never claimed it?I know mad logic isnt it. Any way Ive phoned work and I'm going in for a meeting on thursday with the store manager. I'm angry anyway with work over something else so thats an opportunity to mentio that too. Great idea about the benefit checker, I never thought of that. I'm also going to try to get on the relief dinners at the local schools.(gold dust but worth a try)

Error, I totally see what your saying about my mum babysitting and if she was more physically able she would be fine, but shes in her sixties and waiting for a hip replacement. Shes in constant pain and can barely walk at times. My ds (he is the oldest) can no way be left in charge of the little ones, he has physically hurt my 4 year old dd several times and we have had police to him twice due to his violence towards me and his sisters. My mum is great with him though and my eldest dd, he can cope better one on one with her at her house.

Yes, my ex is a nob. I think Ive wasted too much time totally believing he will change and things will be ok again, but they never will because he's incapapable. Ive decided to expect nothing from him, in any case he hasnt rung or text me to see the girls. What did I expect? He makes me so angry though, he will miss out on so much, dd3 is already treating him like a stranger when he does see her, wont go to him etc.

I had a great afternoon on sunday, weather was nice and ds was at my mums so I put the girls in the car and went to Erddig, our local NT property I'm a member of the national trust anyway and we all had a mooch round the gardens and a chill out on the lovely grass and dd1 (9) educated me on the georgian window tax explaining why so many windows had been bricked up! I never knew! and thats all thanks to orrible histories!.

Yesterday we also went to Liverpool with a support group for violent teens I belong too and that was lovely too!

I am also already with homestart and they are great with me, my volunteer is lovely.

Hi chippingin things will get better, they alsways do, they have too.

You really should apply for carer's allowance if you qualify for it. If it eases a bit of pressure on you why on earth not? It's there to help you. If you don't want to get used to it save it for a rainy day.

Glad you had a good day out. Do apply for all the benefits you are entitled to. They are there for exactly your situation. Can your homestart volunteer help you with that or ask the HV if you still have one to see if there is other help you can get and check everything that is around.
Four kids is hard work for two parents, let alone one.
Agree with everyone, ignore the ex, get on to the CSA and build up support elsewhere. And keep doing what you enjoy i.e. NT etc.

Sheep this is terrible that you're blaming yourself for this idiots behaviour! I am glad you've had a good day out too and by the sound of it you're more than an average parent and you deserve far more than this crap head is giving you. You have too much on your plate...I have seen you around lots of boards on MN but I've nc a lot so you won't recognise me. I know you're a funny and very lovely person....this wont go on forever it will get sorted and better soon.

You aren't at all crap, he sounds like a complete tosser! It's hard enough being a lone parent without having to deal with an unreliable and lying idiot too. Wondering if maybe there is a lone parents babysitting service in your area? There is apparently one here (I didn't know about it until a friend told me) and they will cover for all sorts so might be an option if you're let down for when you need to be at work? Or if there's a childminder who does evenings but eh that can add up to more than you're paid so I'd look for a surestart/lone parents sitter service first (they're free and run by volunteers). But do remember that if it isn't possible then the welfare state is there for exactly this kind of thing and you shouldn't feel guilty at all about using it! Please, please don't think you're crap though, because you definitely aren't!