What changes can i expect from DD?

[Emmielu]

Ex wants to start seeing DD after 5 years of not seeing her. (Once when she was 2wks old) He wants to start this when we have moved as im living with parents at the mo & its not a nice atmosphere for him to be around DD in as my family hate him with a passion. I have agreed it would be best done when DD & i have moved & said he can come to us. Friday is his only day of the week off, so would have to be after DD has come back from school so after 3:30 unless its a holiday by which case it can be altered. But having seen other friends' kids & their behaviour change after contact, i was wondering. What can i expect from DD after she sees her dad? I wont be leaving them alone or anything ill be present at all times but obviously with it being such a huge thing to her what might happen?

I don't suppose there is a specific way in which she'll change - I guess it will all depend on what the situation is like for her. It sounds like you are going to build it up slowly which hopefully will be really good.
She'll obviously have to get to know her dad, and if it's a positive situation and he handles it well, hopefully it will be a good thing in her life.

My own two often have big tearful outbursts very soon after they're back from seeing their dad because they're tired for a start, and also because they're pleased to be back with me at home (he shares with friends so visits other friends and relatives when they're with him). My dd also always wants to take herself off and be alone for a while. It's manageable though, and they settle down again.

How have you set the situation up for her? Is she excited about it? She might have lots of questions. And what does he think about it all? His attitude will probably make a difference, depending on whether he's positive or bitter about it all. I think the key is to take it slowly like you are doing, and keep talking to her.

I havent said anything to DD yet. She asked about him the other week & i said he has a very busy life. Im not sure if he'll stick to it so i dont want to get her hopes up too much & we havent set a moving date yet & i think it might be all too much at once. She did say that maybe when shes 6 he'll take the day off & come to visit so i think she'll cope well. Hes happy to start seeing DD when we've moved as he'll feel more comfortable & not like hes being judged or watched all the time.

my ex did not see dd from about 18 months untill she was just coming up for 4. to be honest I would not do it at your home. I would simply meet him at the park every other friday for an hour and take it every so slowly. My dd initialy found it all great but then the resentment of having to spend time with him and lack of attachment is a thing that keeps rearing its head. My dd is now 6 and I dont think she now truelly remembers not seeing him, however there are obviouse clues at to the lack of building a meaninfull relationship.

The way I initialy done it was to meet up at mcdonalds or the park or the library together, eventually dd would say dady do this and that with us, so I would say yes, for instance if it was extending the visit from the park to Mcdonalds or from the library to the park. It is important to take it at your dds pace, sometimes then my dd would ask for me not to stay, so I would leave them to it, extending from an hour to a couple of hours.

could he not book a few saturdays off work as a few hours after school will initially be more than enough time however I feel at some point a whole day of afternoon will be necessary to allow them to build a relationship and explore there likes. My local sure start family centre ran a saturday morning fathers club and he would take dd to this, that was great for both of them as there was very little preasure on dd and she made friends and so did he and he could just be along side dd rather than it being OTT conatct for dd.

I will say however dd often does not want to see her dad I have started a thread on this on friday and the best way to manage that is probably just allow dd to have a say in it.

Have you considered what you would do if dd does not wish to see him at all? not sure how I would have managed that but I think at 5 years that may be a likely reaction from her.

I dont think she will neccessarily change in any way but I do feel it requres considered time etc. What will happen if your parents begin to attempt to influence you or DD thais will inevitably cause conflict. I did have mediation with EXp prior to him seeing our dd again just to talk about these areas of conflict and just thrash out between us what we seen as acceptable contact etc as his expectations where different to mine and I had to voice my dds wishes also.

I do hope it goes well and good luck.

I have no idea what would happen if DD said to me she doesnt want to see him. She wouldnt say in front of him, she'd wait until dinner time or bedtime when hes not there. He wouldnt believe me & i wouldnt want to force DD to tell him herself let alone go against dd's wishes & force her to still see him. After some time ill ask him to take possibly one saturday a month off since he's seeing her fridays after school. Obviously holidays will be easier then he can spend the whole friday with her. Im hoping my family wont try & mention it in front of dd shes at that age where she listens in & has an opinion the same thing goes for any disagreement me & ex have. I have said to him anything like that has to be sorted when dd isnt around.

I would let him know your concerns with regards to what to do if ddoes not want to see him as he needs to be aware that it all may not play out has he perseves or be a garden of rosses. I would seriously consider accessing mediation as he needs to explore the difficulties as well as the good bits and that can be difficult to discuss between the both of you with out emotions running high.

Now you say it fetsi i do think mediation is a good plan to start with. Its such a big life changing thing for dd i want to get it right or at least easy enough for her. How do i go about starting mediation? If he says no to mediation is there any other ways we could sort it?

I went and had an hour free consultation with a solicitor as my ex was being an arse and threataning court action. so the advice from the solicitor to me was that his case would never get to the family court as I was not blocking access but that the court would refere it to mediation, the solicitor gave me the number for relate who then gave me the number for my local family mediation service as relate did not provide mediation in my area.The mediation was accessed through the local CAB centre, so they may be a port of call. failing that google family mediation with your post code.

I then made an appointment to see them before I spoke to exp about it, I let him know and then the mediator contacted him and invited him to mediation, they then made an appointment for him to talk to them on his own and then an appointment for us both to attend. We had about 6 sessions where booked in for 8 but we did not do the last 2 as he went on holiday and then I did but we managed to talk ok inbetween and felt we had both already reached an amicable agreement and understanding, so you may not need alot but it certanly helps open up lines of communication and consider some of the more difficult aspects with a third person. It could be costly I think it was £30 per session. but he qualified for legal aid and I did not so he very graciously agreed to split my side of the bill. So you may be entitled to legal aid.