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Lone parents

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Original poster

Do you do one of the car journeys on contact weekend?

26 replies

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 12/04/2012 21:20

My XP is a t**t. He's abusive towards me, hates me etc etc.

He has dd every other weekend overnight and up to now, I have always either dropped dd off or collected her from his house to share the travelling.

Its a 15 mile trip so no great distance but I really cant be bothered to anymore when all he does is create havoc, is insulting and just generally vile.

Jusat asking what everyone else does really?

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 12/04/2012 21:21

15 miles either way. so that'd be thirty then Blush

OP posts:
clam · 12/04/2012 21:25

If you were to stop collecting, would he be tempted to keep her? Or would that be inconvenient to his lifestyle?

NotaDisneyMum · 12/04/2012 21:25

This is the same topic as on the step board and I'll say the same thing here Wink

Your DCs contact with their Dad is for their benefit, not yours or his.
Why punish the DCs for his behaviour?

If he is causing a scene when you are there, change the handover to a neutral location or relatives house; but don't fall into the trap of dragging the DCs into your reaction to his behaviour towards you Sad

Original poster
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 12/04/2012 21:31

clam - he definately wouldnt keep her, she doesnt remotely fit into the way he likes to live life.

nodm - yep you are right. Neutral location or relatives house would make no difference to his behaviour.

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Original poster
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 12/04/2012 21:31

what is the step board??

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/04/2012 21:35

So he is abusive towards you in front of your DD?

That's very different then - it's not about how you feel about it, it's not good for her to be exposed to that. Sad

MrGin · 12/04/2012 22:44

I'm an nrp, I live about 1:30 by car or train from XP and dd.

I always do the journey.

It is a strain tbh as I also commute in the week so sometimes I feel I'm on the move all the time. It also all adds up in monetary terms. £25 each way so that's another £100 pm.

But it does mean I have more time with dd, and we do turn the journey into an adventure.

And I do realize XP does a lot of the work anyway so it helps out, and keeps the peace.

Any travel is a bugger for any dc I think.

From what you've said you're doing what he should be doing.

If you met him half way now and again he should be greatful. And if he's not then don't give him the oppertunity to be a dick towards you.

Original poster
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 13/04/2012 02:40

NODM - as I said, he's a t**t, I dont label him that flippantly. Yes he is abusive towards me infront of DD (4). I hate the fact that he rears his ugly head every two weeks, DD and I have a normal and happy life and then he upsets the apple cart. I try my absolute hardest to shelter her from his outbursts, never the less he has no thought for DD when he is shouting at me down his drive, throwing her toy at the car last time, so you get the general idea. Everything, absolutely every little thing is about him, so long as he gets things off his chest he has no consideration of the impact upon DD witnessing this.

DD loves her Daddy. He manipulates her when she is in his care, she says things like "dont be unkind to Daddy", "Daddy doesnt like you because you dont like him" upon her return. Sad

MRGIN - No he's not in grateful in the slightest, he thinks it is my responsibility to do one of the journeys "and if you dont then I'll be claiming a reduction in my payments to you through the CSA for petrol". Hmm

I think this weekend, when the ineviatable once fortnightly text is received bluntly asking which journey I prefer to do, I will reply that I wont do either one of them.

Its good to hear advice from a man, thanks, I appreciate your thoughts. If he was fair as you are, I would have no hesitation in helping out with anything.

All I keep telling myself, when he assures me that he will make sure DD hates me when she's older, is that she will find out for herself what her Daddy is made of. Sad

Thanks all, enough said.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 13/04/2012 02:41

NADM

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maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 13/04/2012 03:39

He sounds awful, your poor dd Sad

I agree that he should do the travelling, maybe his behaviour in front of her will improve if you're not there? Though I'm not suggesting at all that any of it is your fault, just less fuel to the fire for him maybe? sounds like he could do with chucking on a fire what a wanker

mathanxiety · 13/04/2012 03:48

I don't do any driving. It is written into my parenting agreement. If exH wants to exercise his visitation rights, he drives or walks or takes a taxi. I pack clothes and dvds and books and games for them.

Your ex can't deduct the cost of petrol from his child support payments. That threat is BS.

Do you have a written parenting/visitation agreement or is it all verbal?

If you haven't had a solicitor involved in hammering out the arrangement you are working under, I think you should get one, and try to have him do supervised visitation in a visitation centre. Alienation of a child's affection is taken seriously by the courts. Tape his behaviour at handover time and show it to a solicitor.

mathanxiety · 13/04/2012 03:50

'All I keep telling myself, when he assures me that he will make sure DD hates me when she's older, is that she will find out for herself what her Daddy is made of'

Do you have that recorded somewhere?
Do you keep all texts and emails he sends?

A court would really frown at that.
This is horrible for your DD, and the courts will act on her behalf.

Newtothisstuff · 13/04/2012 06:14

My exh lives about a 5 hour drive from me. There's no way on this earth I would be dropping her off every other weekend. He knows if he wants to see her he comes and gets her. I think your being really good to him personally !!!

Original poster
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 13/04/2012 07:04

Solicitors have been involved. I have kept all his abusive texts. I know the next step is court.

Thanks all, I really appreciate your good advice. It's good to know how others "work" their situation regarding our children.

I will not be doing any more of the car journeys, I just thought it was the norm. Wrong!

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NotaDisneyMum · 13/04/2012 07:29

Hang on - he's emotionally abusive to his DD and you and your worried about who does the driving?
How is getting him to do both journeys going to improve things? You've said yourself that his behaviour is no better in public - so presumably he's equally t**tish when he picks your DD up from your house?

Does you solicitor know? It seems very remiss that they haven't recommended/arranged an alternative rather than continuing to expose your DD to that every fortnight Sad

Personally, I think parents should share the responsibility for transport - and the CSA does adjust claims if the NRP is financially disadvantaged by the travelling - but when a DD is being abused, who drives where is a long way down the list of priorities Sad

piellabakewell · 13/04/2012 07:30

We generally work on whoever has the DC returns them to the other parent. We don't have anything much to do with each other, but they are old enough to hop out of the car and ring the doorbell without mum and dad needing to interact at all! We only live 2.5 miles apart.

My DP lives over 200 miles from his DD, he sees her fortnightly and pays for all flights and overnight accommodation. He also keeps a car in the airport car park. You can imagine how this adds up. His ex was verbally abusive, including in front of their DD. It got so bad that his solicitor sent her a warning letter and he also reported her to the police, who phoned and warned her. Since then, she stopped it and he doesn't handover directly to her any more. Sounds like you need someone else to step in too.

Original poster
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 13/04/2012 09:12

NADM, I asked the question re driving as I was interested how others manage their logistics on contact weekends, never did I ever imply that this was my only worry. If life were only that simple.

Thank you again to all.

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Waxtart · 13/04/2012 09:12

We're local to each other and he does the majority of the pick ups and drop offs. With dsd he had a 3 hour journey and did all of them. Like MrGin says, it meant that he had extra time with her in the car, plus her mum had enough on her plate - it would have been unreasonable to expect her to do the travelling as well.

It's never been an issue for us, but the way I would look at it is that I do everything for her and organise my life around her for 12 days, he can do it for 2 days. If I had been in dsd's mum's position and been further away, it really would take the biscuit to have to take her to his as well as everything else.

Easterblossom · 13/04/2012 11:00

We're local and we split it. If he were to move 15 miles away, I would expect him to do nearly all of it. But if I moved away I would expect to do at least half.

Happylander · 13/04/2012 17:55

My Ex is taking me to court to try and force me into driving half way to where he now lives. I am refusing. I still live in family home he is the one that left and I do the majority/all of the care all he does is turn up and take him out and feed him shit. No way am I driving and my view is if he wants to see his son then he can come and get him. He earns at least £10,000 a year more than me and has very little outgoings so he can more than afford it unlike me.

Andy6 · 14/04/2012 14:18

I have always done them all!!!!! I have my 2 children full time, work 60 hours per week, have loads of weekly appointments because my son has AD and is physically underdeveloped and for the past 3.5 years have always (when contact was not temp suspended by social services) taken them to see their mother and family (3-4 hours jouney per week depending one 1 or 2 contacts) . None of them work but will not travel to get the children (or pay a penny towards their keep) so I have been put in a difficult postion. I could say to them if you don't make the effort you can't see the children but that would also in my mind be letting down my children. To me a good parent will do everything they can do to minimize the impact on their children even, like in my case, it means feeling used and exploted by the other party.

It the moment (due to various incidents involving the police and social services while the children were in my ex's care and superviced by her parents) things are worse as since last August I have had to supervise all the contacts as well as my ex has a recent history of violence, depression and alcohol abuse (she failed contact centre risk assessment and I can't trust her parents as they lie about everything to social services, the police and me).

mathanxiety · 14/04/2012 18:16

Andy, your situation sounds grim. Any way of doing away with the access completely? How is it benefitting your children? You say you would be letting them down in some way, but really, what do you see as the benefit to the children here?
sorry to hijack..

fallenpetal · 14/04/2012 20:49

My exh is nothing like your Dc's dad but yes generally we share driving, dd likes the alone time that I take her and that he brings her home. Its nice time to chat about anything, I cherish it.

Andy6 · 15/04/2012 17:12

Mathanxiety, my children are adopted and my son has AD (attachment disorder) the last thing they need (especially my son) is have all contact removed from their 3rd parent! When it dangerous I have temp stopped access but SS, CAHMs, etc all say some contact is beneficial for my son with his condition so I have to trust the experts. I am also reluctant to pull the plug anyway (although recognise sometimes there is no choice) because I grew up without parents and was stopped from seeing my dad for no reason until I was 18 and could then find out about him. Both my brother and I have never forgiven my mam for this and I don't want history to repeat itself.

mathanxiety · 15/04/2012 19:49

You are between a rock and a hard place so.

But in he case of your ex, it may well be that your DS will resent you for your effort if the mother he is seeing is abusive. I suppose no-one can see the future all the same. Do the SS give you advice or do you know if they think the benefits outweigh the risks?

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