XP demanding to know how much DS sees new DP

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Haven't posted for a long while but have remained a committed lurker

After splitting with XP, I now have a lovely new DP. After hearing DS (19mo) say his name the other day, XP is now demanding to know ''how much quality time my son is spending with this stranger''.

In short, I replied, that it was none of his business and that how DS and I spend our time and who with, is up to me when DS is in my care, as it is when XP has DS.

Apparently, I am ''completely wrong''.

I thought it had been dropped but it has started up again today : ''I want to know how much time he's spending with this other guy and if he's sleeping at yours/you're all playing happy families. As you have the biggest influence in his life, it is my business.''

Once again I told him I don't have to answer to him, he can't micromanage my new relationship, that DS and DP see as much of each other as I, as a responsible parent, see fit, and that I don't need XP's permission.

Now XP wants to meet face to face to discuss further. I don't see what that will achieve, since I will still maintain it is none of his business.

Surely he can't control my time and invade my privacy to this extent?

No I don't think he can and he should trust you to do what is best for your DS, just as a new relationship of his would be his business.

But I do see loads of posts from women who think their ex's new partners should be introduced very slowly and want to meet them/vet them so obviously not everyone thinks the same!

I suppose he must be worried about being 'replaced' in DS's life - how much contact does he have?

The reason for his interest may be to know if new DP is living with you. This could have an impact in many ways, not least maintenance etc depending on how you agreed things when you split.

And much depends on how your relationship is with ex. If he had a new DP and your DS was spending a lot of time with them, you might like to know a little more (although not in a demanding kind of way!). But you are completely right in that who you and your DS spend your time with is not his business, in the same way as it is not yours when DS and ex spend time together or with others. Sounds like it has become a bit of a touchy subject and one that may need to be dealt with in a calm manner before it gets a bit out of control! Good luck.

I've heard from quite a few people that one of the main flash points for separated parents can be the arrival of a new partner on either side.

I guess everyone has their own view. When I split with my XP the subject of how to introduce a hypothetical new partner came up and we both agreed that we'd have to be seeing the new DP for at least six months before they were introduced to dd.

I also know that, likely the same for women, it can be torturous thinking that someone is replacing you as daddy. You can't obviously stop seeing anyone new but IMO it is an issue that should be dealt with sensitively if you want to remain on good terms with your XP. Or at the very least not make things worse if they're not amicable.

I thought at one point that my XP was spending time with another man and dd when we were together and it really upset me deeply.

At a guess I'd say your XP isn't wanting to micro manage your relationships, he's concerned about his child's relationships iyswim.

If it were me, I'd meet up with him and give him reassurance that he'll always be daddy.

( all this said assuming he's a good dad who steps up to the mark )

I think it is a really fine line to tread, between knowing what is happening and being nosy/controlly. Even with the best of intension introducing a new partner can still have an effect on the kids, irrespective of wether the other parent is in the loop. Technically, i would say he has no right to know, but that is not necessarily the best thing for your kids.
My exp is NRP, he introduced our DD's to his np about 6 weeks ago. He didn't tell me he was doing it, he only gave them a days notice between telling them he had a new gf and taking them to lunch with her. They go to him one night a week and one night and day at weekend. Since then they have seen her 3/4 of their visits, and 3 out of the last 5 she has stayed overnight with them. Last night dd1 refused to go, apparently she has become more and more stroppy over the last few weeks.
I think he has handled the whole thing really badly, and my dd is the one who is suffering, even though she says she likes the new gf. And I haven't demanded to know anything, I am curious as she is spending time with my children, but at the end of the day I cannot tell him what to do or who to spend time with while they are in his care.
If things are usually good between you, I would reassure him, and perhaps even arrange a meeting between your new partner and ex, because that can only be a good thing for your DS, but if things are not good, I would maintain the stance you are on, but only you know what would work in your situation. Good luck.

Hi all thanks for posting.

I do understand it must be distressing for him. The trouble is, he is controlling. I have had a hellish 14 months breaking away from him, he did not want to broken up with, so me meeting a new DP has really incensed him. I feel he wants this information out of jealousy and control, and as some kind of ''competition'' for DS's time.

balia He has DS 2 overnights a week, as and when dictated by him, when he is not working. I have to remain flexible to suit him.

ladydeedy I doubt this is the case. Last month was the first month I have had a ''regular'' payment from XP. He knows new DP doesn't live with us as I carry on to DP's after dropping off DS, then collect DS on the way back. If XP had a new relationship, I would completely respect the fact that XP is free to spend as much time as he chooses with her and DS. As it happens, XP has lived in a succession of houseshares since we split, and I have been fine with it, despite not knowing the housemates. It's a shame the trust isn't mutual. We are amicable but only because I remain neutral when he flies off the handle and is totally unreasonable. There is a lot of tongue biting and compromise on my part.

mrgin Thanks for your input, I always find your posts insightful.

mrgin Thanks for your input, I always find your posts insightful

Thankyou, that's made my day. :)

All the best with everything.

hi froggies just caught your post. My DP has said from the beginning he is more than happy to meet XP. I can't imagine XP agreeing, if he did, he would be frosty at best, outright rude at worst. He is a difficult person, to put it mildly. I think he is too obsessed with the idea that DP is a 'threat to his territory' to try to create a managable situation.

As far is DS is concerned, obviously given his young age, he just knows that DP is someone who comes round and plays with him from time to time, that same as any other friend who comes over and lavishes him with attention! DP lives 2 hours away so it's not even feasible for him to spend an enormous amount of time here! Something XP has not factored in...

Is he likely to get worse or better if you give him some (limited) info? I think it is a judgement call - you know him - if a frosty 'none of your business' will make him back off or a casual 'DS has met him a couple of times, he lives a long way away so it's no biggie' would be better.

I've been pondering that very question... The trouble is, I know that XP's demand for info comes from a place of wanting to moniter my activity. Which makes me loathe to provide him with any info. He still hasn't let go of our relationship (In fact he only recently text me saying ''why don't you tell your BF to piss off, realise I'm nice and we'll be an awesome family'').

If I were co-parents with someone that was reasonable and willing to reach a compromise, I would not be so cut and dried but I have learnt it is the best way to deal with XP.

It also seems that XP does not necessarily want to stop DP spending time with DS, just that he wants to know when they are seeing each other. If I were to do this, XP would be going spare during this time and would probably text me all kinds of rubbish Surely it will only rub salt in the wound, no?

Ah, your np sounds nice :-) the exp sounds dreadful. From the further info you have put on, I would seriously tell him nothing! He really has no right to know, and if it isn't stemming from an in interest in wanting to know the people in DS's life and be involved as a part of his family, then you don't need to accommodate him. If you think he is likely to use info you give him to be a thorn in your side while you are with np, that is even more reason not to tell him.

sorry if this is garbled, ds climbing on me! xp has said he will absolutely not meet dp so obvs isn;t about wanting to know the people ds is spending time with

My ex was like this and it was down to him being jealous despite the fact he has someone new with children too!

bitsnbobs What did you find to be the best way of dealing with it?

I personally think it is none of his business just like if he had a partner I would not think it is any of your business. To me the only time it does become the other partners business is if there is an adverse effect on the children from the new relationship or the new partner has a poor history or the ex a history of short term relationships etc. He was with you at one time so must have approved and trusted you look for the right thing in partners and visa vera. I confess I did get just a little worried when my ex got a boyfriend as I knew the only place she could have really met him was from her alcohol support group although he could have been one of the councillers of course. I knew it would be over soon anyway and sure enough it was. I do think there is a difference between RP and NRP's having relationships. I am the RP and I know I would have been a lot more concerned if I was the NRP and she had started dating this guy without me knowing exactly where she met him and in what circumstances as he would have a LOT more influence and effect on my children's lives rather than just being on the fringes. As a RP I do think I have more responsibility and have to be even more careful and be as sure as I can be from day 1 of changing from friend to relationship that any new relationship I have is the real deal and LONG term.