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Lone parents

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Original poster

Have you ever got an apology from ExP?

28 replies

MsBakingCakes · 05/04/2012 14:16

ExP and I have been separated for a year now and I was just wondering if anyone has got an apology from their ExP.

When we were together and after DD was born we both decided that I should give up my job to look after DD. Then he expected me to keep the house tidy, have dinner ready for when he arrived from work so he wouldn't have to do anything as well as his clothe clean and put away while looking after a baby.

At the moment he has DD for Easter and as it has happened for the last couple of times he has had DD he has gone to his parents straight away (which in a way I do preffer it ). Is it possible that he has realised how much work it is to be with a child? DD is 2.7 yeas old and since she was a baby he kept telling me that life was not about doing just activities with DD in children's centres. He got very angry with me when DD was just 6 weeks old and he came back from work and we were both sleeping, just example of too many. By the way I was breastfeeding and he never did any nights as he slept in another room for the fist four months because he needed a rest to go to work and used ear plugs to stop hearing DD when she woke up or a feed.

I know that he is a selfish person and that he never valued all the work I did in the house and with DD but I am still bitter and expecting an apology which deep in my heart I know it will never arrive.

So have any of you been lucky enough to get one? Should I stop waiting?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

corlan · 05/04/2012 14:40

You have to give up expecting an apology.

Selfish people rarely think they are in the wrong. If someone asked your XP where it all went wrong between you, chances are he would lay all the blame at your feet and he would see himself as a wronged man.

My XP actually went to prison for fraud and still maintains that he did nothing wrong I would love for him to see the light and apologise for all the shitty things he did but it will never happen and I think hoping for it to happen would just drive me mad.

MrGin · 05/04/2012 15:08

I think the thing is to try and move away from the past for the sake of the dc.

After I split from my XP I suggested we each have an uninterrupted chance to rant vent our grievances and gripes with each others past behaviour and then leave it behind and try and move on.

Sort of worked. Was certainly cathartic.

MagicHouse · 05/04/2012 18:00

I would give up expecting an apology too! I split with my exh for pretty horrific reasons, but he maintains I "over-reacted" to certain things, and not for one minute accepts any contribution whatsoever to our break up. I lost nearly 2 stone through stress at the time.
Although I can still be sometimes at his lack of remorse/ responsibility, I am mainly just pleased to be out of our marriage, as long as my children seem happy enough with access. I keep my own contact with him as brief and polite as I can.
I certainly don't waste time now waiting for him to take responsibility for what happened. The very fact that he won't/ can't just makes me all the more glad to be away from him really.

IAmBooyhoo · 05/04/2012 18:09

an apology would imply my ex believed he did anything wrong, ever.

my EX has never had our dcs overnight (soon to change if he is to be believed) but on the days he has contact he jsut takes them to his mums and they play computer games for 4 hours. i think even if my Ex did have them for a few days and was really struggling he would find a way to convince himself that it was exceptional circumstances and that no way could they possibly be that hard for me and there would be 100 reasons why my life was so much easier than his.

hathorinareddress · 05/04/2012 18:12

It'll be a cold day in hell before I ever get an apology.

Situation has arisen in the last 24 hours that I certainly SHOULD get an apology and a "you were right" for but I won't get it.

Emmielu · 05/04/2012 18:58

I got one from dd's dad...via text...after I won an argument....which has now been brought up again...so he's not really sorry. Never has been.

FannyBazaar · 05/04/2012 20:12

I got an apology! About 4 years after we split I received a text out of the blue saying 'sorry for everything'. It seems that was probably when he split up with his partner and when he found out I was single he thought we could just get back together! I think he needed somewhere to live.

I never looked for apology and don't feel what I got meant anything either.

Hassled · 05/04/2012 20:16

Have remarried so not an LP - although I was once one.

And yes to the apology. Years and years later ExH said "I was really immature when we were married and treated you very badly". And it was like a load had been lifted off me - I needed to hear him say it. We've always managed to stay friends and I am very fond of him, but I still needed to hear that.

workshy · 05/04/2012 20:21

I got a sort of an apology

an email saying

'I had forgotten how tough it is working full time shifts, I could have done more'

he stayed at home with 2 school age dcs and I worked full time shifts, did all the cooking (well he would do sandwiches for the DCs at lunch time if they were off school) shopping, cleaning
he did the washing but I did all the folding and ironing
he stayed at home because he quit his job without discussing it with me, with some grand plans to start his own business -which he never bothered doing

when we split he went back to work and was exhausted -and he lived with his parents and didn't have the dcs to look after

the apology means nothing though as he still refuses to have the dcs more than his 3 nights a fortnight and can't even be arsed to make sure they have a shower while he has them, or buy easter eggs when it's his day to have them etc

nancydrew · 05/04/2012 20:37

Hi MsBakingCakes
I had an apology approximately one and a half years later during the course of an everyday phonecall to sort childcare arrangments out.(We separated Jan 2009). I can't remember exact words but basically apologised for the arguments/aggression - he can argue for England and sometimes I have wondered about him having NPD. It made me cry when he said sorry. He has still been a knob and a bully since then though, he can't help it. But the apology felt emotionally meaningful at the time.

bananaistheanswer · 05/04/2012 23:57

Not so much an apology but a bit of a back handed compliment from my ex. DD is p2, just had her parent's evening and teacher was full of praise for her, how well she is doing, how she's a lovely wee girl etc. Ex also went along later, got the same and text me to say he was a proud man. I said I was a proud mum too, and he then told me I was doing a great job with her and he was proud of me too. Now for a second, I was pleasantly surprised by this, before I then though he knows I do it all alone for DD, yet still doesn't think to get more involved with DD. He's been dipping in and out of DD's life at intervals of 4/6/8/10 weeks, depending on his moods/finances/energy levels for the past 3 years. Effort in parenting is an alien concept to him.

I did get an apology about a dig he used to have at me when we were together as he worked retail (on feet all day) while I work in an office (bum on chair all day). He never could understand why my job was tiring, when he thought his was more tiring. He then lost his job and ended up in the same kind of job as me, bum on chair all day. He did actually send me a text apologising for having a go at me over it, as he was finding out just how knackering it is mentally to work at a desk all day long. I did have a smug experssion on my face when I got that text

Original poster

MsBakingCakes · 06/04/2012 10:28

So apologies some times arrive even though maybe a bit late . Not sure if ExP will ever apologise.

OP posts:

WibblyBibble · 06/04/2012 12:08

I got something vaguely approaching an apology (he admitted he had been verbally abusive after the time I threatened to call the police, and admitted that he could understand why I was exhausted after the first time he had dd overnight, and has admitted he wouldn't want someone to treat dd in the way he treated me), but with careful minimisation on his part and definite attempts to transfer as much responsibility as possible onto me (e.g. that I still shouldn't have threatened to call the police and that it was my fault that I'd got pregnant etc.) I do think it helps somewhat, but it is unlikely that people who do wrong will ever fully acknowledge the damage they do as they can't bear the weight of the guilt that would involve. Most people go out of their way to avoid feeling guilty at all! I think the main thing that helps is to get on with your life and make it as good as possible, do all the things you couldn't do because you were involved with a dickhead, 'living well is the best revenge' and all that. It is easier said than done though.

NotaDisneyMum · 06/04/2012 14:44

My ExH thinks the marriage breakdown was all my fault, and while I am prepared to take responsibility for my part, I wouldn't apologise and wouldn't expect him too either.
We both made mistakes, it wasn't deliberate - and to be honest, seeing him make the same mistakes again with someone else is all the closure I need.

joysofmotherhood · 06/04/2012 16:03

Wow these men, talk about not being able to take responsibility for their appalling behaviour!!. My XP was in total denial over our problems and how unhappy we made each other. I developed chronic daily pain in my body and could hardly walk through sheer stress and frustration. I have given up now worrying if he fully understands, I know in my heart life is much calmer living apart. My friends say I look happier and my ds says it too!. Will I ever get recognition for all the crap/stress I endured?!, maybe not. Now that I am away from him even though its only a short while it really does'nt matter to me anymore. He once stated he would live in misery rather than seperate. I know I do not share that belief in life (thankgod) and it was left to me to take full responsibility and break away from a toxic situation. But when I can take a deep breath and look around my lovely and v peaceful home I can realise just how truly courageous I am and please all you ladies remember that!. We are amazing and so strong. To have peace of mind and heart are the best gifts I now have.

mrscynical · 07/04/2012 09:50

I was going to reply to this thread yesterday and say, like a previous poster, hell would freeze over first.

BUT... this morning out of the blue I got a text apology. Eight years after the divorce mind you but I am still in shock.

Still don't want anything to do with him and have moved on myself so it doesn't really matter. I just wish he would apologise to the children - if not in words then actions - by actually spending some time with them.

Fingers crossed.

Original poster

MsBakingCakes · 07/04/2012 10:08

I am glad for all of you which in a way got an apology. I completely agree with joysofmotherhood with appreciating the calm life we live even though ExP still tries to make our life difficult every time he has a chance but We now have a fantastic life, new DP who loves us both to bits and a DD who is really happy and enjoying a nice and peaceful family life. For me this does not have a price.

I am glad DD and I are out of a relatioship that was making our life impossible. Life is much nicer now . Thinks do get better as a lot of you told me at the beggining of the separation. There is light at the end of the tunnel sooner or later

OP posts:

angrywoman · 07/04/2012 12:18

Its difficult isn't it? I was brought up going to church etc and I can't bear all the anger I still have about exs behaviour (and his mums). I need to forgive them. But you can't forgive someone who is NOT SORRY.
I am sorry for them, that they refuse to have any self-awareness. They are very weak people. But its still upsets me because of the DC's.

kerbear · 08/04/2012 17:00

My ex apologised to me for the breakdown of our marriage (yes it was his fault) but he then went on to say that it was my behaviour that led him to his behaviour.....so even tho he has apologised-he didn't actually mean it. During the last past 12 months his behaviour towards me and the dc's has been appalling and yes, I would like an apology, but know that it is not going to come. My only 'ray of light' is that I know that he will now go on and do it to someone else....and she thinks she's got herself a good catch....little does she know!!!!! :)

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 08/04/2012 17:02

The only time my ex has ever been sorry is when he's been trying to get me back into bed.

He finally gave up in 2006 4 years after we split up!!! (tosser emoticon)

curiositykitten · 08/04/2012 20:11

The closest I ever get to an apology from ex is "I don't want to fight with you" which is normally followed by "but...." . I've come to accept it's all we'll ever get.

ChildofIsis · 08/04/2012 20:21

Stbxh is sorry he's upset me and DD, but has no remorse or sorrow about the mistress and child he's gone to.
Selfish people don't know they're being selfish so don't see any reason to apologise.

Thank goodness he left, life is so much calmer.

feelingdizzy · 08/04/2012 20:32

My ex was incredibly emotionally abusive acted psychotically when i told him to get out.
We have been apart 8 years now,after about 5 years he took me aside and apologised and said I desrved so much better and he was wrong,and thanked me for being a great mum to the kids.at this stage I didn't need the apology ,still nice to hear though.

I think he may have had counselling,he has some serious issues,had a crap childhood.

No we have a very amicable relationship ,I have forgiven( not forgotten) all he has done.

fallenpetal · 10/04/2012 00:04

Never had one sadly, dont expect one either - the lies just keep on coming! Its hilarious really, he cannot lie to me to my face I see straight through him. I still know him better than anyone realises!
It used to really bug me, like the stupid face his OW stretches the years they have been together so that it appears they were together all the time we were. Odd reallt cant understand why anyone would boast about such a thing (we are talking nearly 20 year) Stupid thing is she didnt even meet him until we had been together 4 years so it is even possible! Of course no one corrects her as she hasnt kept friends long enough to know better LOL!!
So anyway now I have learned to laugh at the lies and have more than accepted he wont apologise. If he did I wouldnt believe him anyway, not now.

Its nice to know some do though

fallenpetal · 10/04/2012 00:05

*face = fact

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