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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Shared custody

15 replies

SparklyGothKat · 31/03/2012 17:11

Quick background. I have 4 children with exh. My dd2 lives with him. He claims all benefits for her. I get £6 aweek CSa for the others. She stays with me every weekend and comes once a week for tea. This holiday I have her for 10 days and he will have her for 7. He doesnt have any of the others so I have all 4 here. I pay for her clothing here and food while she is here. Plus we will be going swimming, soft play etc. I had to buy new shoes today as her shoes are hurting her.
Should he be paying towards her
Costs here?
I don't mind paying for her but my costs are for 4 kids every week, whereas his are for 1 every week as he only sees the others for 3 hours a week, and he doesn't buy much.
I also drop the kids and pick them up from his as he doesn't have a car. Its so hard knowing what to do.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 31/03/2012 20:21

Are you paying your ex CSA for the DD that lives with him?

The CSA expect the parent receiving the benefit to provide what the child needs - such as shoes that fit - but its not enforceable and the reality is that most NRP provide their DCs with clothing, shoes etc over and above their CSA contributions.

I assume that your ex doesn't have an income based on the amount you receive from him for the other DCs? Are you receiving all the benefits you are entitled to? It is hard to make ends meet, but your ex can't give you money he doesn't have and he is financially responsible for one of your DCs and presumably provides school uniform, pays for trips etc.

purpleroses · 04/04/2012 20:05

Legally yes. If he applies to CSA they'd assess you as being the NRP and due to pay small % of your salary for dd2. But if your ex gets this then he should be buying new shoes,etc. Morally, I'd say that if you provide for 3 out of the 4 kids on £6
a week from your ex then you owe him nothing. Though if you do have a good income and your ex is on benefits you might want to spend a bit on your dd2 sometimes so she's not feeling much poorer than the others

ChocHobNob · 04/04/2012 21:59

"Should he be paying for her costs here?"

Not the way the CSA works. They give an NRP a discount for the nights that the child stays with them. But they do not expect the PWC to pay money to the NRP for those nights.

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 04/04/2012 23:07

My Dp works (does that get counted by Csa?) and I get carers allowance as two of my kids have disabilities. I have her for 50% of the year (possibly more with school holidays) I have no problems paying out for dd2 at all. At least I know she has everything she needs. Just that family members think he should give a small amount back when I have her, whereas I just am grateful to have her 'home'

OP posts:

Waxtart · 05/04/2012 12:25

If you have her 50% of the time then I don't think you should be paying him anything at all. The CSA make an allowance for the number of overnights with the NRP, might be worth ringing them and telling them how much she is with you?

NotaDisneyMum · 05/04/2012 12:56

wax the thing about 50:50 is that one parent usually ends up paying for school trips, uniform and other 'essentials' and unless relations are cordial, asking for 50% of the cost can be problematic.

The OPs DD lives with her dad on weekdays and mum at weekends. Get dad must be picking up the majority of school related costs, but if the OP pays for weekend clubs and activities then it probably evens out.

cestlavielife · 05/04/2012 13:01

unless he earns a fortune and can afford shoes etc much better than you can then hardly seems worth the battle or arguments.

is it 6 per child per week or 6 altogether? eiher way he clearly doesnt earn massive amount anyway.

Waxtart · 05/04/2012 13:08

I see what you're saying, but we don't know what he is paying for, or how much she is giving him. And given that she has the costs for the other 3 children full-time, bar 3 hours and he gives her £2 per child per week towards that, I'd say it looks like she is bearing the bulk of the costs overall for all their children and it isn't unreasonable to either not give him anything or at least have what she is reduced.

ChocHobNob · 05/04/2012 15:10

Sparkly do you pay child support for her to your ex?

It does make some sense what your friends and family are saying, but the way Child Support works in the UK is that the RP does not contribute child support to the NRP when the child is with the NRP. Child support only goes one way. Unfortunately, in circumstances like yours, ie. you have some of the children living with you and there is a difference between earnings between the two parents, one ends up feeling worse off than the other.

IAmBooyhoo · 05/04/2012 15:14

"the reality is that most NRP provide their DCs with clothing, shoes etc over and above their CSA contributions."

where the hell did you get that 'fact' from?

NotaDisneyMum · 05/04/2012 16:14

Iam - perhaps I'm just lucky, but based on my own experience, and that of my friends and family members who are either one or the other, it seems common for DCs who have weekly contact arrangements to have clothing, coats, shoes, toys etc supplied by their NRP as opposed to the DCs carting cases of luggage between homes for every visit.

One NRP I know bought his DD a full set of horseriding clothing to save her having to cart it all to school with her for contact weekends, but even excluding those extravagances - most NRP who have regular weekly contact will buy pyjamas, socks/pants and the like, don't they? I've not met one yet who doesn't

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 05/04/2012 16:15

No I don't pay anything, he get jsa, Ctc, cb, and was claiming carers allowence for dd1 who lives with me (not sure if he still does, dont get started on that one tho) They live with his parents so he doesn't pay normal bills out. The Csa website says I don't have to pay as I am on carers allowence and have her for half the time. I really don't mind paying her things, she is my daughter and I just love having her here.

OP posts:

IAmBooyhoo · 05/04/2012 16:35

it's a pretty big jump from "the people i know who have weekly contact arrangements" to "most NRP provide their DCs with clothing, shoes etc over and above their CSA contributions." for starters not all NRPs even have contact never mind regular or weekly.

my exp doesn't have regular contact (his choice) and doesn't pay anything over the CSA recomendations, even though at times i have asked him to help me out with shoes for ds2 or a haircut for ds1 as i have literally had no money. and i didn't even ask him for the money for either. i asked if he would take them himself and get the shoes/haircut so he could see i wasn't spending it on myself. he still didn't do it and he earns plenty.

NotaDisneyMum · 05/04/2012 16:42

Iam I apologise if I've offended you - i should have been more specific as I was speaking in context of the OP who as the NRP has weekly contact with her DD and hence her DDs needs will be apparent to her.

Of course, when there is no contact, clothing etc is not needed at the NRP home.

IAmBooyhoo · 05/04/2012 16:50

no, sorry, you haven't offended me at all. i laughed actually when i saw your post as i thought "i bloody wish". just was surprised that you (or anyone) thought it was normal to get extra than the CSA amount and wanted to know where you heard/read that. but i see now it is just what you know from other people in this situation.

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