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Original poster

I miss my kids

25 replies

mistressmiggins · 05/02/2006 10:31

first weekend without them - gone to in-laws with H....I went out Friday AND Saturday night AND have had a lie-in but I miss them....

H gone to in-laws cos moved in with tart he left me for after 3 mths so I think its too early for kids to be going there....so of course MIL has done everything for kids including getting up with them and letting him have lie in

just makes me so angry

I didnt have kids to lose them every other weekend

I know some of you were unhappy so left with kids BUT my husband genuinely hasnt tried - I had PND and husband was working away from home a lot and put his interest into someone else....

I have been really good and not slagged off H to kids and let him phone every night but am just so upset that he seems so indifferent after 10 yrs together....how can he just switch off like that?

my counsellor says it sounds like he is actiing as if he hasnt left when he is here - chats about his day at work on the phone to me and chats when here visiting kids
in a way I wish he would be nasty to me as I cant cope with his indifference...

sorry to mona -guess I'll be OK when kids get home at teatime

OP posts:
Caligula · 05/02/2006 10:39

No advice, just sympathy.

I would simply tell him that it's too painful for me to indulge in small talk with him at the moment and could he please confine conversation to limited civilities and logistics of transporting the kids, such as times, venues etc.

Then go and get yourself a comedy video to make you laugh.

I know it doesn't help at the moment because things are too raw, but in a couple of years time, when this man no longer has the power to hurt you, you'll really appreciate the time off.

moondog · 05/02/2006 10:44

MM,been thinking about you.
Sorry you're down. God,it must be hideous. I spent a day last week with a friend who is going through a painful divorce and thought of you.

Have you thought about actually letting them go to his place? Why should the ILs do the donkey work?
Did you ever see that comedy with Caroline Quentin in which she had separated from her dh and sent the kids tio him and his new woman. it was very funny to see how they messed up the starry romance of it all.

There is also the issue of their needs though.....however much of a shit he is,they need their father.If you dney them this,they may well feel resentment in the future.

For now...how long has it been since you had a whole day top yourself?? You lucky sod!

Plan something nice-cinema,gym,lunch out,exhibition or gallery visit,see some frriends.

I owuld just cut the smalltalk short if he starts agsain with a curt
'That is no concern of mine.'

XXX

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 05/02/2006 10:45

am I wrong getting cross cos hes had a lie in this morning while his mum got up with our kids?

I just feel that his life is so much easier now hes left - 1 min phone call every night, never asks if I'm ok for money, comes to see them once a fortnight for 6 hours and stays in MY house while I go out for the day

now up at parents letting them run around after kids - he gets browny points for seeing his family (hasnt been since he left inNov) and Ive been without my children all weekend

I have told him I dont want to make small chat and he called me twisted so its just easier to let him waffle on at me rather than have him call me names....

hes dragging his heels on divorce too - doesnt seem bothered - well hes not until he wants the equity out the house and I need to know sooner rather than later if we have to move

thanks for posting

OP posts:
Original poster
mistressmiggins · 05/02/2006 10:46

moondog - I know what you're saying about the new gf but DS told me the other day that he doesnt want daddy to get a new gf as "he wont love me anymore"

also H has told me that she wont have anything to do with the childcare - well that cant be right - if they live together, surely H comes as a package - i.e. kids n all

OP posts:
moondog · 05/02/2006 10:50

Well,MM,the sooner she finds this out the better.
Enjoy thinking about them struggling.

Wanker!

Mascaraohara · 05/02/2006 10:58

Morning MM, just wanted to post as I've followed a few of your threads. I really sympathise with you, it's so frustrating isn't it! my situation is slightly different from yours but when dd stays over at her paternal grandparents with her father it irritates me that he gets it so easy.

Understand entirely where you are coming from. Great to hear you went out both nights!

Moondog and Caligula have offered some great advice about how to deal with him.

Perhaps you should start pushing for the divorce, make him see that this is real. Really hope things start getting better for you soon. x

Caligula · 05/02/2006 11:01

I think you just have to accept that you're the grown-up in this situation.

Like many non-resident fathers, he gets the good bits without the work (he gets someone else to do that for him) and you get the adult bit.

It's infuriating and unjust, but the sooner you recognise it and come to terms with it, the sooner it will stop hurting you.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 05/02/2006 11:02

I think to be honest Im upset this morning cos H phoned - I guess DS asked to speak to me
I suppose I should be pleased that DS has asked to speakt to me so much while away AND the conversation has been long and chatty

my brother moved my computer downstairs yesterday so I can surf in lounge & watch TV in evenings which will be great (although will make my MN adiction worse)

thanks for your advice - the first weekend was always going to be tough

OP posts:
Caligula · 05/02/2006 11:03

If he says you're twisted, just say "thank you for your insight, now can we confirm whether it's 10 or 10.30 you'll be arriving?"

Just completely refuse to engage in smalltalk, backbiting or arguement. Insist on steering the conversation onto only practicalities. He'll soon give up if he doesn't get the reaction he wants from you.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 05/02/2006 11:04

you're right Caligua and to be honest, when we all used to visit inlaws, H NEVER got up - was always me so I guess at least this weekend we've BOTH had lie-ins

I am the adult and have behaved as such throughout even though it is hard - I want to get the children to adulthood as unscathed as I can and with dignity so they will look back & think I did the best for them

thanks for the pep talk

OP posts:
moondog · 05/02/2006 11:09

Keep smiling MM.
You're nearly over the worst bit.

trix1 · 05/02/2006 14:59

MrsM, maybe you should suggest to the inlaws that they dont let him lie in and make life easy for him. Im sure they love having their grandchildren why should it be made easier for that idiot.

What time are they due back? Thinking of you and keep strong.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 05/02/2006 17:05

thats the way his family is....mother does everything, rest of family sit & are waited on....they wont change so no point asking

kids been back 2 hrs and its great - I have renewed energy & am just enjoying being with them...the computer downstairs is brill - we went on CBeebies website & printed off lots to colour & sang songs & now Im just sneaking 5 mins while they play

H left his mums earlier than agreed which cut my lunch short but there we are - can leave early when suits him

not sure when he will have them again - he couldnt wait to leave

OP posts:
moondog · 05/02/2006 17:10

Glad you're more cheerful.
Seriously though,you must think about him having them without the ILs support.
And when he does,however much you want them back,you do NOT allow him to bring them home early because

YOU HAVE PLANS TOO.

That will get him sweating.

Caligula · 05/02/2006 19:14

Can I suggest you join Gingerbread?

You'll get lots of practical support there as well as meeting people who've been through it all before and know what you're going through.

Plus, the kids love it. Lots of activities. And discounted holidays!

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 05/02/2006 19:22

do they have them in every area?

thanks - I will leave MN & have a look

H just wound me up talking about money etc and threatening to cut my money if I do this that & the other
ar#se

I suppose he has to threaten me with money cos he has nothing else

what is it with men & money - its NOT the most important thing

OP posts:
Caligula · 05/02/2006 20:09

Sorry, but nearly all of them do this. I hate to tell you, but as time goes on, if he's not already paying CSA rates, he will want to, because they're lower than realistic maintenance. So just brace yourself for that one and try and get yourself as straight as you can financially before he does start pissing about with the money. (Because chances are he will - there's a lot of it about.)

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 05/02/2006 20:26

yeah - since going to solicitor, he keeps mentioning he is paying more than should be AND that his solicitor says NOONE gets spousal maintenance

my family have all said b@llocks to him - they'll give me money rather than have him threatening or blackmailing me - and how mean is that anyway ? "Kids v money"

tw#at

I have used the budget planner from Martin Lewis -its brilliant and have already cut back on things

OP posts:
beejay · 06/02/2006 13:13

HI MM
Just wanted to say that although really hard at first it does get easier. I promise you will start to enjoy your free time once you get into the swing of it ( I know I do)
Also I know it seems like he is getting the easy ride but you will have a much closer and better relationship with your kids than he will-- and in the long-term that's priceless
Good luck with it all

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 06/02/2006 13:36

I know you're all right and I did enjoy time to myself - I think its cos I still feel hurt that hes gone off with this other woman - I cant explain the rage I feel that SHE will be playing families with my children...but I guess even that anger will fad in time

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 06/02/2006 13:44

Message withdrawn

amanda1 · 06/02/2006 13:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 06/02/2006 14:06

Happymumof2 - that does concern me - good 2 1/2 hr drive....I can things changing if they did have another child

I am trying to get things sorted but he just cant be bothered - out of sight etc

ohw well

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 06/02/2006 14:20

Message withdrawn

loulounz · 06/02/2006 19:51

MM - take note when everyone says try and get everything sorted sooner rather than later.

I'm convinced Solicitors make things worse the longer it's dragged out! - My xh went to his solicitor to (supposedly) give me nearly everything - but she then convinced him he was paying too much already and that he doesn't have to give me as much as he (supposedly) was going to etc.!! My sol said I was entitled to spousal maintenance - his says highly unlikely/no such thing - tell her to get back to work etc and she can get this, this and this (benefits)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things have now turned extremely bitter and nasty between us! My life one year on is in some respects a lot worse than it was when he first left because of this long drawn out process and all the nastiness etc.

My advice would be (if you can) to come to a mutual agreement and just get it finalised at the earliest possible moment, if at all possible.

Good luck, thinking of you.

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