Someone to talk to about an unloveable teenager

[WMDinthekitchen]

I am talking to MNers because none of my friends with children are LPs, my parents are dead, I have no brothers or sisters and I need a vent. DD is 17. She has achieved at school & has university offers. She is thought charming by the mothers of her peers. My concerns are trivial and I have no intention of comparing my petty unhappiness with what some of you face. I have, however, completely lost my confidence, am constantly miserable and dread coming home.

From now on I am refusing to help DD with anything. She can cook for herself, get the bus, have no-one in attendance at parents' evening and just leave me alone. She turns up her nose at what I cook, she thinks I am a taxi service. She speaks to me in an insolent fashion and never even offers to make me a cup of tea or help with anything in the house. Her bed linen goes unchanged for months at a time but she spends an hour each morning on her hair. I am tired of being her mother and I wish she would leave home now. Yes I would miss her but I would not miss the way she treats me.

Flame me, flambee me. I don't care any more. I am demoralised to the point of leaving home myself. Please don't give me all the stuff about understanding teenagers, I have tried and tried and tried. I know they are stressed with school work and exams, I know there are friendship/relationship issues, I know there are hormones and angst. But, I am a person, too. I have needs, too but they were lost and forgotten the day I became a parent.

Is it really too much for me to want to be spoken to kindly once in a while? If she is all I have left, I would rather, quite frankly, have nothing. And she can't understand why I won't throw a party for her 18th birthday. I am clearly missing the point somewhere. She holds me in utter contempt.

Vent over. As you were.

Sounds just like me as a teenager. Sorry mum!
Thing is you just don't see it at that age. Though tbh i would have loved it if my mum left me to do my own thing. She tried to control everything.

It won't be much longer till she's out of your hair, especially if she's going to uni.

I'm sorry it is so hard for you at the moment. I can only suggest that you stick to your guns and insist that she lives with you on an equal basis -- i.e. that since she is no longer a child, you are no longer responsible for her cooking, washing, whatever. Make it clear to her that at her age, when you do these caring things for her it is a kindness and an act of love, not a simple parental duty, and that kindness and concern of that sort has to be reciprocal. If she can't respond to your activity on her behalf with any appreciation or respect, she loses it.

Perhaps if nothing else that might take some of the tension out of the situation. You would not burn with the resentment and humiliation of unappreciated slog, and the extra distance between you might help her to find the space in which to develop a more mature way to relate to you.

Things can change, and quite suddenly, when a moody teenager grows up a bit and acquires a bit of maturity.

Sorry to double post, but I just wanted to add that, in my experience at any rate, any explanation to her of why you aren't going to do all these tasks for her any more should be very short, and only given once, otherwise it adds intensity to the conflict and might just cause her to feel more and more entrenched in whatever stance she adopts. The important communication will be from your actions (or non-actions). I think that might be what stands the best chance of generating the kind of distance that makes space for change.

That could all be rubbish, sorry -- I'm just thinking in terms of my own struggles with my 16yo son.

I agree with both of the above. All teenagers seem unloveable at times, both of mine had their moments but the trick is to reach a workable solution for you and them while keeping communications going till they become loveable again.

I know it can be hard but don't throw your baby away with the bathwater

My eldest can behave pretty much the same as yours, OP. It's heartbreaking, I know.
I'm still doing loads for my girl - probably more then I should - I certainly don't get a huge amount of appreciation - but even though she drives me mad, I know I'm going to miss her hugely.
I would say that she'll miss you too and will be nicer to be around when she comes home for the holidays - that's what friends tell me has happened with their kids anyway.

WMD I feel much the same. My DD is also a high achiever, polite and thought well of by others. She holds me in contempt. She is mostly restrained and polite (more so than your DD by the sounds of it) because we had a HUGE bust up about a year ago when I told her to go and live with her father because I was not going to be treated this way. Two days she held out in stony silence before admitting she wants to live with me.

Every so often though, her real feelings leach out and tbh the effect on me is not good. I understand the term demoralised. :/ The last two weeks have been particularly grim and I feel like I'm suffering mild depression as a consequence.

I'm a LP and work bloody hard shouldering all parenting and recieving zilch in maintenance or support. She swans off to him and has cosy chats idolising him for his laid back calm attitude. She has told me in the past that being stressed (as a single working mother) is my personal choice - the fact that her father lives off benefits rather than work, is his way of avoiding stress. I 'could do the same' so I shouldn't moan about being stressed.... because 'it's my choice'

I am ready for her to go to uni. I hope she grows up and distance makes the heart grow fonder.

One day, one day when she is a mother...she will look back and understand.

The good news! is that her older sister has been at uni for two years and has changed from vile teen into a lovely friend for me. I'm still low down the friendship ladder (good for sympathy, cash and moments when she wants advice or to talk) but ignored when life is going well... but I can cope with that.

The aliens do give you your little girl back eventually, but in an even nicer grown up form & you gasp actually might quite like her again.

'Tis bloody tough as an LP but keep on keeping on. Hugs.

I feel just the same sometimes op, my lad is lovely. He's doing as well as he can do at school (another story, he's not getting the help he needs) but he tries. He's polite and well mannered, never in trouble.

Yet sometimes he speaks to me like shit. On a bad day I think he hates me. On mothers day he made me cry.

His father is a fuckwit, yet he wouldn't dare speak to him like that.

Whenever I post such concerns i'm told that "you always take it out on those you love the most" and on a good day I know that's true.

I was a shit to my mum, because I knew whatever I said or did she would still love me, I behaved perfectly for my dad because I seldom saw him and cherished the time we had together.

Everything that was wrong in my world I took out on her and never considered the fact that I may be hurting her feelings!

Is there any way you could both talk? Maybe away from the house, in a cafe, on a walk, somewhere a bit thought-provoking maybe like a cemetery visit or calming like a secluded walk, or a long drive? Even if you just take a few mins to explain how you feel, how sad its all making you....you may feel slightly better for it, and even if she doesn't react there and then, she .might.. mull it over at a later time. It may have bit even entered her head that her actions affect you so much. Hang on in there.

WMD you are far from alone. I was a single parent, not now but I was for best part of a decade. My DD is 15 and barely converses with the rest of the family. I call her the bedroom dweller. As a child her bedroom was pristine now it stinks.

Other than mealtimes and the odd times she wants to watch TV we barely see her. I won't let her have a TV/computer in her room so we stand a small chance of speaking/seeing her.

Academically she's doing very well, friend-wise she's doing ok although you probably understand better than me what teenage girls are like with each other so it's bitch-fest city some days. Overall she copes well.

I am assured things will return back to normal eventually and I cling onto the days when she will have a real conversation with me about what's happening in her life and asks me about mine.

I live in hope! Please don't take it away from me.......

Yes, hang on in there a bit - she'll probably be gone in a year !

Do less for her especially when it's not appreciated and just say in a firm, friendly way that she's a young grown-up now and you should be helping each other - and that it will be good preparation for when she's at college.

Are you encouraging Uni applications ?

What's she doing next year ?

Things will probably be a lot better when she's left home and comes back to visit.

My DD is 13 this weekend so I probably have no idea

Good luck !

My girls started turning at about 15? I can remember laughing about teeny behaviour starting at about 10 and it does to a degree. My youngest is capable of implying I've ruined her life but somehow it lacks impact.

When an adult judges you and finds you failing, it hurts a lot more. They also swan off to their new lives confident that they know it all and they have left their stupid parent behind...

The injustice of it all hurts. I don't expect my DC to bow at my feet and say thank you for bringing us up in very difficult circumstances but the lack of any appreciation of me as a person pisses me off if I'm honest.

As a person I've gone quite a lot and have a tale to tell about my life. I'm not stupid, not a middle aged woman to be dismissed. Why do the DC who know me not see me

I know exactly how you feel. I love my kids as people, but don't like living with them and look forward to the day when I get my house back.

I can leave them alone now, but when I get home it's like returning to a pigsty!! They will make a meal, (well heat things up lol ) but the mess they leave behind is unbelievable.

I'm not bothered about their bedrooms, but I find their mess in the rest of the house hard to deal with as our house is really small.

They will help when I ask them to, but it's difficult as my eldest spends a lot of the time out with his friends or doing homework. It's as if he is behaving like an adult in the outside world (he works hard in school and his job) but is like a toddler living at home. The mess, not picking up after himself and the moaning when his clothes haven't been washed as he hasn't put them in the wash or I won't give him a million pounds.

I find it frustrating because I can start getting a life back, but still feel the housework is like a chain around my neck. I have to leave a list before I go out and completely drop my standards.

Writing it all down makes me look like a cow as it's not the end of the world, but I want to live in a half tidy house (seeing the carpet and dust not being too thick that you can write your name in it). I shouldn't have to spend my precious free time cleaning up after them, cooking for them etc but the housework isn't spilt three ways and I feel resentful for that.

Poor you! I was like this at her age and went travelling at 18. To be honest everyone needed it. I couldn't stop myself being horrid even though I didn't like myself for it. I just really needed my own space and to spread my wings a bit. When I came back it was better all round - I appreciated what I had and had claimed myself as a person not my parents child so was respected more and relationships improved immeasurably both ways.

Hope she leaves home soon.

I asked my 14 year old to make his own lunch. He was asking for sausage or bacon and I said we have cheese, eggs or beans. So he moans that we don't have anything that he likes, I only but things I like etc etc.

I said he can go to the shop and buy some but he said he couldn't be bothered.

So he settles on cheese on toast and moaned. The cheese is wierd, how do I make it etc etc I suggested he may want worcesterhire sauce on to which he moaned:

That's horrible. What are you on? Putting that on cheese is wierd etc etc
When is it cooked?

I answer it's up to you, but usually when cheese bubbles.

He says, when is it bubbling? I don't know when it's cooked etc etc
He does know but wasn't happy he had to make it himself so was just moaning, but yes, I know what you mean!

oh dear. It sounds like me and my mum when I was a teenager.

I don't know why I was such a cow to her TBH.

If it helps, now I have my own house I do tidy up. I just refused to do it at home.

what do you ask of her, and what do you give her?

I can relate to much of what you say, as I live fulltime with two teenagers (and a toddler; the teens are my DSCs which makes it a bit harder to have a rant but I promise you - I know the feelings). I feel absolutely stretched and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work involved in a family of five plus my own work - and when they make things harder for me, instead of easier, I just end up in tears of rage and loneliness (in my bedroom or to my DH, not to them). It is loneliness, too, because like you say, I am a person, not a waste of space or a housekeeper, and some days I just want a bit of recognition of myself as an individual.

I will say though that we keep it a bit more 'fair' because the kids do now have jobs around the house - they didn't always and it was a nightmare. They don't do nearly enough for their ages, still, but it is something.

I suggest you give your DD some responsibilities around the house, if she doesn't have them already. If doing her laundry (if you do?) is unappreciated, then stop doing it. Stop, right now, drivingher about. She should be preparing at least a couple of meals a week, and sharing in the washing up. We have a jobs rota, and the teens are expected to cook at least one simple dinner a week, wash up once or twice, hoover once or twice a week, and share the dog walks with my DH. Their pocket money is in two parts - one amount they get 'just for showing up', and one amount they get only if they have done their jobs for the week. They have to pay for their own non-essentials, including phone credit, so if they don't do their jobs, they pretty quickly find they haven't got money for going out, etc.

Frankly, we haven't gone nearly far enough with it. I feel we should be able to ask them for (and get) more help around the house. I still have to pick up after them more than I should. They still mouth off or are disrespectful to DH more than is right. But it is a bit better than it used to be, and I guess any progress is better than nothing. I'm certainly honing my skills for when baby DD is older!

Bottom line for me is that if you aren't requiring your DD to behave better by withholding some privileges when she acts up or fails to contribute at home, things aren't going to improve for you.

Thank you for all the replies. Have been out for a long, long walk and to see a film. Quite a lot of solidarity about! Sympathy to all of you in the same boat.

I am now the mother from hell because I contacted her friend's mother about property of mine that the friend threw out after DD left it in their car. To some it would be trivial but having respect for somone else's property is important in my book.

I am no longer giving any lifts at all unless in a medical emergency (using the bus/walking myself to save petrol anyway), nor am I cooking for her or putting on/taking out/hanging up any washing. I am speaking to her in a calm, civilised way. She is hardly speaking back and has threatened to move out. I have told her that I cannot stop her but that she will find it very hard to manage from the weekend job money and that it is almost five months until she goes to university. I have told her I will miss her very much when she does leave but that I will miss not the way she behaves or the way she speaks to me. Like lots of you I am tired of being spoken to as though I am something unpleasant stuck on her shoe.

Nerves of steel to all those with difficult teenagers especially those whose own situation involves far more serious issues e.g. drugs, stealing etc.

That all sounds really good to me.

Maybe she'll even get the message - and if she does it will be a great lesson to learn for life

Reading this thread the message I'm getting is consequences - a bit like the toddler stage ?

If you can look at it at all objectively - extremely hard to do in practice - it is the job of the teenage girl to separate from her mother - and that is hard for her to do. She has to become her own person, and stop being an adjunct of you. It's not clear to any teenager how to do that. Contempt for all you stand for is a move towards it.

Sorry if that sound poncey. I was a v challenging teenager.

Just wondering whether she has exams coming up, or has she done them already ? Not that it should be all about her !

I think toddler and teenage time have many similar characteristics. I will tantrum until I get my own way.....

Exams cause major behaviour deterioration in this house. She says that everyone causes a major upset around the time of my exams. Hmmmm

Juggling - there are exams coming up and she wants to do well but she has unconditional university offers, so not the worst of pressure. I am apparently all the pressure she can deal with.