Only contact is gifts twice a year. Should I just stop it?

[AllShiney]

DS only gets gifts twice a year. That is the entire level of contact from his father.

He's never seen him and doesn't plan to as far as I can tell despite the offer being repeatedly made.

I feel uneasy about the gifts. I am asked for suggestions and then they arrive. I honestly feel they are given to appease his guilty conscience and that one day he can say 'but I sent you presents' like its some large gesture of love.

I'm concerned the gifts may confuse my son. He is not old enough to notice them yet and I don't think he would have to know who they come from. Im just mit happy accepting them but if I stop them, is it just my feelings depriving DS?

How old is your son AllShiney and how long has his father been doing this?

My DS is almost 3 and his father has never seen him. He's done this since his first birthday.

I'm unsure if the gifts will be a comfort to him when he's old enough to have it explained. My feeling is that they are done for selfish reasons and to buy him off so to speak.

I have a friend whose only contact with his father for years was the occasional card or gift, albeit at a much older age. Years later my friend got back in touch with him properly and they have seen each other regularly since then. I really wouldn't stop the contact if I were you - some contact is better than none at all (imo).

That's interesting lilbreeze. It would be a way of keeping the door open for future contact although the gifts are not signed from dad etc and he has expressed a wish that DS not view him as such.

It really will be a case of random gifts. There is no real emotional benefit at the moment from what I can see.

But I'm worried my own feelings are crowding this. I hate getting them. The whole process makes me feel sad for DS who is ignored all but twice a year.

I agree with lilbreeze some contact is better than none but I can also see ypov. My dd has no contact with her dad and have just started another thread about how hard that is!

It is weird though that he thinks to send gifts but doesn't want any other involvement ffs what is wrong with these men?!!

I wish I knew what is wrong with him! It's like he can convince himself it's enough.

I'm just so conflicted. I don't want DS to feel he should be grateful if these gifts get thrown in his face down the line.

It is crazy behaviour - disgusting really, and, like you say, for his own benefit rather than his son's.

I agree with the idea that it's better to keep the door open to contact. Your son's father is no use but, who knows, they may have some sort of relationship in the future. If you stop contact then you will be the villain of the piece and your son may resent you for that.

I don't think your son is going to feel grateful for the gifts if that is the only contact he ever has with his father. I think children suss these things out pretty quickly.

When we cannot say for sure who is the sender, DS and I thank the post man and asume they are from father Christmas or the Birthday fairy. If the sender has not enough guts to sign it, there's no need to worry about him.

Piglet - do you get regular gifts then?

Have you ever had any reason behind them being sent?

We had a time when there were unknown people knocking at the door with birthday or christmas gifts.
I found it highly irritating that ds' dad was going into the trouble of involving strangers inhis imaginary dramas and then not even bothering to add a card to say the gifts were from him and family. So, following in his wish to be so secretive... I decided to play along when Ds decided they were from Santa. Much easier then trying to explIn him why i thought gifts were from dad when there was no card attached and dad was not bothered about having any other contact with his child.

Some contact might be better than non. I would suggest that he pays money into an account for your DS rather than buy gifts and also pay some child support which is much better than nowt.