DNA test and adding fathers name to BC

[alfiethetortoise]

Ok long story short. I Have a four year old daughter. Ex has always paid maintenance and has always had access although we separated when I was pregnant , he suddenly announces he want's a DNA test at Christmas (how Eastenders!).

After many arguments I think we have agreed that I will agree to a cheaper (non court approved) DNA test, if he will agree to having his name but on her BC. I want him to have proper legal rights over DD and it will clarify his position if something happens to me and her position if something happens to him.

Do i need a residency order? DD has always lived with me. He has never even had her overnight. What happens if he takes her for one of his visits and just doesn't bring her back?

Do i need to amend my will? My life insurance is in a trust so that shouldn't effect any of this.

What happens if I marry someone else? DD has my surname as ex and I were never married. He sees her a total of six times a year.

I'm not really bothered about the other stuff - i think I am quite reasonable and a try to include him an any major decisions anyway.

Sorry for all the questions! Thanks!

But what if the DNA test shows he's not the biological father?

Presumably he won't want to (or be able to?) be on the birth certificate?

If it comes out positive (you sound like you know it will) then do you really want to give more (and almost entirely pointless probably) rights to someone who can't even trust you to remember who you've had sex with?

Perhaps it would help to speak to the gingerbread helpline who might be able to advise you on what practical difference being on the birth certificate (i.e. having parental responsibility) would make for DD/ ExP.

Gingerbread 0808 802 0925.

Hope that helps! xx

The DNA test will only say one thing - that he is her biological father. I'm non't really sure why were even doing this to be honest. Just because he was unfaithful, doesn't mean that i was.

It has always worried me that he has no legal rights. I also think that it would make him 'step up' more and be a more active father. We have also had this constant argument about me 'having all the rights' - because he couldn't be bothered to turn up when she was registered and as an unmarried mother I couldn't add his name onto the BC.

I just want all this drama to stop. It's been going on for years and to be honest I have had enough. If I refuse the test he will go about getting a court approved one anyway. At least this way, I have some control about what happens.

Thanks I think I'll give gingerbread a call later.

I can see what you mean about wanting control of the situation, but I think he's being a bully. When you give gingerbread a ring, I reckon it'd be a good idea to ask them what they think his chances of getting a court to order a DNA test are.

I'd also have to be a bit more sceptical than you that a piece of paper would change his behaviour when having a beautiful 4 year old DD doesn't seem to influence it too much. Perhaps because she's so young she can only really remember the last few years (since he's been married) so you might have a higher opinion of him as a father than her?

Good luck, must be a pain the flipping neck. Let us know how useful gingerbread are - it's always good to hear whether a helpline are worth ringing up! xx

121 - what a funny question to ask Clearly the OP is in a position to know who the father of her DC is!!!

I don't know the answers to all your quesitons I'm afraid - I'm not certain whether you can add a father onto a birth certificate - but if you can, then he should get parental responsibility automatically once he's on it. If you can't, then he can apply to the courts to get it. That's relatively simple I think if you don't contest it. It doesn't affect residency.

But if he has PR then that may affect your will - as I'm not sure you'd then have the right to leave DD in someone elses's care (if that's what you want to do) without his permission - so giving him more rights may help him step up as a parent, but could also mean you lose some of your rights.

If you marry, that will not affect your ex's rights re DD in any way (unless your new husband actually applied to adopt her or something, but that's not common)

My ex, as it happens has no rights at all re either of my DC - named on birth certificate but no PR because both were born before the law changed meaning we'd have had to be married for him to have it (we weren't). He does have an active role in their lives, but has never bothered to apply for PR. I wouldn't oppose it if he did, and he knows that, but to be honest, I've not encouraged it as, as I see it, if we're getting along well (which we do, and I hope we always will) then it doesn't make any difference, and if we fell out over something, then I'd probably appreciate having all the rights....

Maybe you'd be better to talk to him about what he actually wants - is he worried about not having PR? (never been a problem for my ex, but he does have DC's surname so GPs, etc tend to assume he does) Or does he want more access? Or just the recognition of being on her birth certificate? But I'd go along with the DNA test - if he does have niggling doubts in his mind, no matter how unjustified, it would surely improve his relationship with DD if you lay them to rest.

Purpleroses - It's not a very funny question to ask - it's kind of the main one being asked if a DNA test is being contemplated!

I guess I wasn't clear enough, but I think I was trying to illustrate how pointless doing one is, as she sounds like she's clear who the father is. The most important point to me is that it sounds like he's trying to bully her into it and that she doesn't trust him.

She is presumably 100% clear on who the father is. But her ex might not be so certain. It's a lot easier to know that you didn't sleep with anyone else than it is to be certain that your ex partner didn't. Without knowing the people involved it's hard to say it's bullying (or not) - it could just be that he's got doubts in his mind that he'd like to lay to rest. So why not let him do so? I'd have though it fair enough for him to foot the bill, but to refuse the test (if he has got doubts, however much SHE may know them to be unfounded) would likely make him convince himself his doubts were not without cause.

Im of the opinion that he's asked for a DNA test in the slim hope that he isn't the dad so he gets off paying maintenance.As he is the dad i'm sure the results will not make him any more caring or considerate to your DD i'm afraid xx

The trouble is that if I don't agree, he will stop paying maintenance and I won't get anything until the courts agree to a court approved test. I just can't afford to loose that kind of money for what could take months.

I think he wants to feel like he has the same rights, even though in my mind he has them all already. I just think if it's all going to happen, we may as well just get it all sorted out and move on.

I am not opposed to a court approved test. I am opposed to a cheap test which will only ease his mind but will not benefit DD in any way or have any legal standing. I told him he can only have the cheaper test if he agrees to adding name on the BC.

He isn't married. We have a private agreement about money and do not go through the CSA - basically this means he pays a lot less than he should.

A lot of this is odd and makes no sense, why would he have seen her since she was a baby if he didn't think she was his? Why pay maintenance? Why buy her gifts? He has never questioned it to me before now, not once. We were together for years before i became pregnant. I don't see the point in the test. His parents think it's ridiculous - says it all really. :o

Do you know what though, even if he had parental responsibility, he still wouldn't have the same rights as you (as she lives with you). Even if he had the DNA test and he had parental responsibility the fact is that you are her primary carer. He could go to court to apply for an order if he disagreed with you over something, but he probably wouldn't get a lot further than if he did it now, as his rights standd.

Are you absolutely sure you are claiming all the money that you should be? I do not get a penny from exp but me and DCs do alright. Perhaps you should find out more about that so that you can feel more financially independent and then you can make decisions on your own terms. I'm not an expert, but I've claimed a fair few benefits both in and out of work so feel free to PM me if it might help?

Did you manage to get through to gingerbread yet? I have a feeling they have slightly funny opening hours? xxx

Gingerbread were really helpful. It won't invalidate my will, I don't need a residency order. If he took me to court he wouldn't get more than access every other weekend because he lives far away and doesn't maintain regular contact. If I die and leave DD to anyone other than him, he can contest it wether he is on BC or not. Again, he doesn't see her enough or maintain enough regular contact (lives 200 miles away) so its unlikely a court would just let him have her. Thanks for that!

Yes, i get working tax credits, child tax credits, some housing benefit, in work credit, free prescriptions etc etc. A good friend of mine works for Jobcentre Plus. We don't do that badly but we are talking a fair sum each month. It would mean that DD would have to cut back on clubs (she does ballet and swimming) and off the top of my head she needs new shoes, summer clothes, car insurance is coming up, utility bills to pay... I'm reluctant to pull her out of swimming lessons and stop doing the other things that she loves after struggling through when I wasn't at work. If you take the CM off my salary, it would be the first thing that would have to go :(

Giving him PR will give him equal rights re her education, religous issues and medical treatments.

If either of your circumstances change he can decide to change contact arrangements and have more right to do so.

A couple of "potential future scenario's"

He is reasonable now, can you guarantee he won't "turn funny" if you start another relationship and provide her with a new daily father-figure?

Certain abusive types of men DO use PR primarily as a means of control of an ex. If a man genuinley has doubts as to paternity he'll raise it around the time of birth as he'll want to know exactly where he stands. The man is playing games - that's not good parenting by any standards.

He deserted his newborn, doesn't pay adequate maintenance, plays silly mind games and you want to voluntarily give him the legal tools to do more?

Stop bending over backwards to please him and call his bluff. If he wants to make himself look a fool officially by going to court for a DNA test - let him get on with it. CSA rules state he'll be handed the bill for the test, so it's not your problem.

IF he WANTS to support his child, he will, if he doesn't he won't. The authorities in this country are waaay to lax for it to be any other way. That's the harsh reality despite the campaigning by so many abandoned women and their grown up children over the years.

Start looking at ways to free yourself totally from his control by economising or increasing your income so that any cash you get from him becomes a bonus, and not a daily necessity. It's the only way to stop the game playing in the long term.

I chose to dress my Kid at Primark rather than waste his childhood on the ex's games. We are very poor cashwise, but peace of mind is priceless. It allows me to focus my energies on being the very best parent I can without nonsense distractions.

Forgot to say too - you can re-register a birth to add the Dad's name at any time. He has to bother to show up to the appointment though!