Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Is 13 months too young for two overnight stays a week?

7 replies

lookslikeacoconut · 26/03/2012 22:24

I am moving out this weekend. My STBXP and I have a 13-month-old DD, who will obviously move with me.
As if there wasn't enough going on, I went back to work four days a week last week, one day working from home so I can have DD with me.
We have come to an amicable arrangement ref access, but because of the distance between our two homes and early starts at work for me, this involves DD going to her dad's on a Sunday evening and not returning to me until Tuesday evening. She'll be looked after by her dad and his mum on the days I don't have her.
The rest of the time she'll be with me, so Tuesday evening - Sunday evening, five nights out of 7 in her own cot.
I didn't like the idea of not seeing her for a whole 48 hours each week but was starting to get my head round it. I believed she would settle and be happy with it eventually, as she's very comfortable with his parents, their house etc.
Then, I looked at some site online that suggested overnight stays away from their primary carer can psychologically damage a child so young, and ideally they should be at least 3/4/5 before overnight stays are introduced!
Am I being naive in thinking it will be ok if she's away from me for so long? Does anyone know what the latest thinking is on this? Is there anyone for whom a situation like this has worked? If the answer's no, then it's a non starter we will have to find another way.
Please help, I am so stressed and tired with the split/ returning to work double whammy, my back is in knots all the time, and now I could be causing untold damage to my child!!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 26/03/2012 23:31

If he loves her same as you do she will be fine. If you both think it is ok it is ok. You say you know she will be very conform able and happy so what is the issue ?

If you were together getting up v early you might not see her anyway. Some parents works long hours barely see their children. It doesn't have to be damaging if both parents equally loving and the routine is that a consistent routine . So and don't make a big thing of it . Is good she can get used to new regime early on. And be used to moving back and forth.

MrGin · 27/03/2012 08:17

I think you can probably find 'some site' on the web backing up any stance tbh, but after a year or so of reading peoples experiences in this area on MN I have to say I'd fall on the pro overnight side. ( but I'm an NRP so I would say that ! )

But I can totally understand a mother being hesitant in this situation.

My dd began staying with me at two ( so slightly older ) , her mum was v concerned about over nights with me , she just didn't think dd should ever stay away from her mum, and thought dd should be 7 before over nights which is just totally unreasonable daft. One night turned into two nights within a month after it was obvious dd was quite comfortable with it.

For the most part she just took it in her stride. As long as she knows she's loved and feels secure with dad, and dad is kind and loving she'll be fine.

The best you can do is remain positive, if you're unhappy with the arrangement your dd will almost certainly pick up on it. And if you can keep things amicable with STBXP life will be so much easier than if not.

good luck

AmberLeaf · 27/03/2012 08:23

As long as you appear happy with it and dont make her feel anxious she will be fine.

She will be with her Dad and Gran so is in safe hands.

Im sure her dad will miss her too on the nights she is with you.

It will be fine dont worry.

purpleroses · 27/03/2012 11:10

My DD did overnights one night a week with her dad from the age of 8 months. She was fine with it. We switched to him having her (and her older brother) for two nights at a time sometime after a year or so, though to be honest can't remember exactly how old she was at the time. She's always been fine with it, likes having two homes and doesn't seem damaged by it!

I think the advice that you mainly get is to EITHER keep the contact pretty short at that age (few hours at a time) OR to keep it regular enough that they child is happy at either house. But what you're suggesting sounds regular enough that she should soon feel at home in her dad's house too. The way that will make it work is if she feels she has two home - she has her own cot in both houses, her own toys, etc - just take a favoured teddy and possibly some game or toy that she's particularly into betwen the two houses. My DC also keep some clothes at their dads so very few possessions need to move between houses with them, which makes it all quite easy (or at least it did when they were smaller and didn't have so many things like homework and PE kits to leave at the wrong house)

Personally, if she's not been away from you overnight before, I would try to keep it to one night a week for the first few weeks, but look to move to two pretty soon if all is well.

NotaDisneyMum · 27/03/2012 11:37

Lots of DC's spend regular nights with grandparents or other relatives to accommodate their parents shift patterns; there are even overnight childcare services for working parents Wink

As long as your DD considers both places to be home and spends time at each regularly, I see no reason why she will be psychologically damaged. The same thing has been said about DC's of working mums, DC's with siblings, only-DC's - if you look hard enough you can find "evidence" to prove almost anything Angry

Whatever works for you all is best for your DD, ime Wink

Original poster
lookslikeacoconut · 27/03/2012 21:04

Thanks for all your replies, they've really helped me to calm down about the whole situation.
I do think it's been a classic case of reading something negative on the internet, freaking out, then googling the same subject - and surprise surprise, what comes up - more of the same evidence - funny that.
We've decided to see how DD gets on with the 2 consecutive overnights a week, and we will keep as many constants as we can, even down to ordering the same cotbed for her new home.
Once we are in a routine, I'm sure it will all be fine.
If she isn't settling, then we will try to find another solution.

OP posts:
Happylander · 28/03/2012 09:30

My DS has had to do to 2 overnight stays a week with my mum since he was 5 months old because I work 12.5 hour nights. It doesn't affect him at all and he is a very happy little boy. When I am on annual leave and he doesn't go to my mums he really misses it. I think if it is consistent and the routine is the same then it doesn't present a problem. My mum has different toys and different bed to here and it has never been an issue.

He has a great relationship with my mum and certainly not damaged by it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page