Am I unreasonable to think ex shouldn't drink during contact?

[jenrose29]

My ex husband and I seperated 2.5 years ago when our daughter was 2 years old. His drinking had been a big issue in the marriage as he would often get drunk and not return home, or get drunk and wake our daughter and I up/be abusive. We moved into a hostel which was less than a mile away from the marital home and he would regularly turn up drunk, he was sick in his bed and nearly died, knocked himself out etc. He would have to walk to collect our daughter because he was still over the limit from the night before. Eventually my daughter and I moved 30 miles away to a much nicer area. However, she would still come back from contact saying he had been drinking, had fallen down the stairs/asleep on the sofa and she couldn't wake him etc. Then in August last year, he took her to a party and got so drunk he passed out in the back of his girlfriends car whilst she drove them home. That was the final straw for me and I stopped contact as I didn't think he was safe to look after himself, let alone our daughter. He applied to court for a contact order and we attended mediation. He said he would cut down his drinking and for a few months he did (or at least it appeared that he had.)

However, for the past 3 months or so his girlfriend has been driving to return our daughter from contact. He has been there too and smells of alcohol and our daughter makes it clear that he couldn't drive because he's been drinking beer/wine. He returns her on a Sunday afternoon! She also says she struggles to sleep there because he is noisy/banging doors etc on the Saturday night - i.e. drunk. Today he returned her and his girlfriend was driving. It was the first time he'd seen our daughter in three weeks and he'd had too much to drink to be able to drive and smelt strongly of alcohol. Am I unreasonable in thinking that he shouldn't be drinking during contact? He only has her for two nights per month, he is free to drink any other night - I don't see why he can't just abstain for the times she is there? If anything happened, he would not be in a fit state to deal with it and our daughter is not his girlfriends responsibility (she doesn't live with him, she is just his drunken taxi service it seems.) Am I being unreasonable? Any advice?

Squeegle - It was seen by others at the hostel, but because of the nature of the hostel the women that work there cannot act as witnesses in individual cases. I don't have anyone who could be an independent witness :( Like you say, cestlavielife, drinking whilst in charge of kids isn't necessarily that frowned upon and so is hard in this situation to do anything about. It just frustrates/worries me that he only sees her twice per month but he cannot refrain from drinking for this small amount of time. Even if he's not absolutely hammered, why would you waste your contact time with your child who you see so rarely by drinking at home rather than doing things with her?

the hsotel was a while ago anyway so its not that relevant.
what i relevatn is what happens now.

there is no logic - no reason - why would my exP spend the afternoon asleep in charge of his dc instead fo doign tnhings?
why now when he has limited supervised contact would he spend half of one hour of contact on the phon to a friend (instead of saying "am busy now will call you back later"). there is no logic.

until your dd expresses unease adn says she is scared etc or something major happens and is witnessed the reality there is little you can do - unless you make the decision to stop contact as there is no court order but risk being dragged to court and him saying you are lying.

She doesn't feel comfortable with him drinking because she remembers him being abusive to me when drunk and he is also very different with her when he has been drinking. He plays rough with her and then she ends up getting hurt - but as usual, my and her word against his and no witnesses.

I would be worried if I were you and I would certainly be worried if my ex did it. She is an alcoholic and has done all these things. The final straw in our relationship was when she drove the children in the car 3.5 times over the limit and nearly crashed at 70 miles per hour then picked a fight with the policemen that arrested her! She has been drunk and done some bad things on supervised access since then so for the past year I now do all the supervision. If I could smell the slightest alcohol on her breath I would be straight out the building with the children. I think is different if the ex does not have any history of getting drunk but for those who do no way should they have alcohol whenever with children.

I have a similar problem, although currently only just separated and he is not particularly interested in having the children as he is enjoying his free time. But, when and if this becomes a bigger issue, I will address this. At the moment he is content with a few hours playtime every so often, at my house.

I would recommend:

Go to a few Al-Anon meetings, find another divorcee with small children and ask advice - someone will have your experience. You may need to try a few different meetings to get someone in exactly your position, but they are there.

You could always try finding people to call and talk to, start with the Al-Anon national hotline, get other numbers there must be lots. Talk to your GP, they will have access to organisations/numbers. Try CAB they have access to lawyers and have heard it before.

See a lawyer, find out legally where you stand. You can probably get legal aid. I briefly did talk to a good solicitor, from my understanding, I could insist on supervised contact as an alcoholic is absolutely not a suitable parent.

If you have to - call social services - get them involved. If he was living with you and doing this, I believe they would either remove him or the child from the home (from what I heard of another lady's experience at Al-Anon).

You DO NOT need to let him take your little child overnight if he is getting pissed. It is not safe and I would never allow this. You cannot expect a small child not to get in a car with a drunk adult, or for the child to have to call 999 because daddy is a drunk. That is way way way too much responsibility for a child and not good for them. Not to mention they will get affected by his behaviour.

There are many many women out there with this dilemma, and I refuse to believe that there is not a way to keep your child safe.

Perhaps go and see a solicitor and ask about getting DD's dad to do a hair test to test for alcohol? (I think that's how it's tested - testing the hair can show when someone has been drinking for a long time.) Perhaps also liver function test as this might be affected by the amount he seems to drink?

Before you stop contact, I think it's a good idea to see a solicitor. And keep a diary of everything you're not comfortable with regarding your DD and contact with her dad, his drinking, what DD tells you etc.

Before I say anything I'm not a single parent, and I don't have personal experience of your situation so feel free to think I'm speaking nonsense! I do however volunteer in a contact centre for children with estranged parents, which is why I'm commenting.

Firstly YANBU. Drinking (heavily) round children isn't accepable or enjoyable for them. But children do have a right to contact with both parents, which was why I was going to suggest you look in to contact centres in your area? Our one is largely referred by solicitors, but you can refer yourself. They're not "supervised visits" and will never make reports to courts etc but they're are volunteers on hand if they're needed and they are conducted in the centre so you know where they are. They're also operated so you never have to see the ex-partner if you don't wish to (volunteers will do the handover) and you can stay on site if you wish so your child can come and see you if they need to. Obviously most contact centres will not accept your ex-partner for contact if he's absolutely drunk, but a change of situation may jerk him into trying to clean up his act a bit? It could be a interim solution worth asking your solicitor about anyways. At least if contact with your ex-partner did eventually have to totally stop you'd know you'd explored all avenues to keep him involved safely.

Good luck whatever you decide, it must be really difficult.