Aagh - what is their game?

[Iblameba]

EXH finally left the house after 2 yrs of me knowing about affair and has moved in with OW and her DCs. Living in fantasy world which can not be afforded - well it can as long as he does not pay maintenance. ( another story)

So he now lives 80 miles away has seen the DCS 5 times in a month and this weekend, says he wants to take them to the new house. I have spent the week talking about new beds and new toys and trying to make it exciting.

He takes them and then proceeds to phone me 5 times during the day for inane queries, at 1800 - he tells me eldest DC is refusing supper and wants to come home and now youngest DC is doing the same. So he drives them home.

Seems they had a good day, went to the park, played with OW in the garden and saw new room. Eldest DC asked her why she was horrible to me - she replies that we are all friends now and she is not going to be horrible to me. (yeah right) Also her DCs were not there - so no one to play with and the full reality of new life not getting through. DCs say it is her home not Daddy's - aaagh.

EXH still has most of his stuff here, looks like crap and I do not know what the two of them are playing at - but screwing with the DCS heads is not on..

Is it the fact that he brought them home (ahead of schedule?) that's bothering you? Did they want to come?

Or the fact that her DCs weren't there? That might have been deliberate based on advice about blending families to try and help your DCs settle - DP and I didn't throw our DCs all together as one big family straight away, we let them get used to the home we intended to share independently before we asked them to be all together in it.

Your ex is obviously struggling if he's harassing you with calls while the DCs are with you - but as for who owns the house, and whether the OW will stick to her word about being nice to you - I don't think that will have to much significance to the DCs to be honest.

Good to hear that they had a nice day

Not bothered that they came home ahead of schedule, although not sure letting a 6 yr old dictate terms is a great start.

They know her DCs, she was one of my best friends. We handed on clothes to each other, went on holiday together, went for coffee, played in the park etc etc!

Ex not harassing, just phone calls up dating me as to what they were doing and eating and....

As to her saying we are all friends - no stop bloody lying to the DCs. We are not friends, as eldest DC asked if I could go with them next time. Despite me telling them repeatedly they do not see the situation as Dad living in new house and not coming home -they think they are visiting OW like we used. This is not clever.

It sounds like they are approaching things the way they think is best but you disagree. What would you like them to do?

They made sure the children had the run of the house to get used to it first, without her kids being there. The OW tried to put the children's minds at rest that everyone wasn't fighting anymore.

The only thing I can see that they are doing which will mess with the children's heads, is to return them if they ask without it being absolutely necessary. Like you say, letting a 6 year old dictate terms is not in their best interests.

they are lying and creating a fantasy world that is not true.

they told the Dcs that this is her house and daddy just visits. We are not friends, as the e mail telling me that they would be applying form full custody and have the CDs live with them now s it was easy for everyone arrived this am from her.

Sorry if I am a tad cynical but after two years of being sole parent whilst the two of them dropped all responsibilities and went off for dirty weekends and then like did not see the CDs for weeks on end, I am supposed to believe they have their best interests at heart. The CDs have suffered enough from bad parenting, text abuse etc.

It has to stop sometime. Tired of the lies.

Iblame - I cannot imagine how hard what you describe must be for you and I am sure that the DC's are suffering from the hostility and tension of the last two years. It is clear that your and your exH do not see eye-to-eye; I don't think it matters to your DC who owns the house; but it does seem very important to you, so it will be something that the DC's will soon realise is significant.

You say that your exH partner has emailed you to say that he will be applying for residency? If your exH goes ahead, the first step will be that you will be invited to attend mediation - just you and him - where you will have the chance to discuss how you feel and what you believe is in the DC's best interests. This is when you can highlight how you believe he is creating a fantasy life for your DC's and that they have already been damaged and that he is a poor parent.

If you cannot agree on where the DC's will live, and how often they will see each parent, then a magistrate will make the decision about residency and contact based on information from both you, your exH and CAFCASS (who will speak to the DC's).

I suggest you seek the services of a solicitor as soon as possible so that you can ensure that anything you say or do now is not misrepresented in court One thing I would recommend is that you don't engage with anyone other than your exH about this; no matter how involved his partner is, she will not be considered in any contact or residency considerations, so ignore her emails, letters or texts; she does not concern you.

Sorry -my frustration has not explained this well.

they are telling the DCs that the house is hers, Daddy and the DCs are visiting but now they have a bed room aswell for overnight stays. I have been telling the poor DCs that it is Daddy's home - aagh and he does not live with us anymore - aagh.

My EXP did not e mail me, the OW did. He knew nothing as I forwarded it to him and said deal with and tell her to stop doing this.

He will not go for residency for a number of reasons - she is just playing mind games like she has done all along.

If they want to be together, then fine but be honest with the DCs. I am the one preparing them for visits - saying how great new bedroom, new toys etc etc and then they come back and say it is only for visiting and they do not live there and neither does Daddy - fell like one step forward = two hundred back.

If your ex has told you that it's his home, he lives there and the DCs will live there some of the time as well - then his partner is interfering by telling the DCs something different; perhaps she's trying to protect her own DCs or maybe she's not as committed to the relationship as he thinks?

Mediation would still help - you could thrash out an agreement without his partners interference and out your DCs first.

*Put your DCs first

I think the sentence - She's not as committed - is the key here.

he has given up everything - friends, family, his children and moved away to her neck of the woods. She has her friends, support net, her EXP round the corner having the DCS 3 nights per week etc etc. He by virtue of his job can not do that and the distance is as an issue.

I just want DCS to have their Dad in their lives and be treated as equals in "their" family. They are not - by virtue of the fact he is not there for them, is at her beck and call and she is dictating times and places etc etc etc.He has to make the effort and stand up for them when she is demanding and it is constant demands - the texting does not stop when he comes ot pick them up and drops them off - it is almost every 45 seconds at times.

The DCs are being told one thing by me and then they say something different and not true. Hard enough prepping two DCS under 7 for this but we do need a consistent response from all of us.

I will never be friends with her but we can make sure my DCs are treated aswell as hers - not currently happening.

I would be cautious about encouraging the DCs to believe that they are part of their Dads new family until it is securely established - they definitely need to feel comfortable when visiting him, so knowing you are happy about it is really important, and it sounds like you are really committed to that

But ifhe is not encouraging them to consider it home maybe it is because he is worried that they will get attached to something that isn't permanent? Perhaps it is better to think that he is just visiting, until he is sure it will work out?

It sound like the two of you need to come to an agreement about the future for your DCs and then it is his responsibility to decide if he can achieve it while at the same time trying to build a new relationship with his partner and her children.