Why do I feel so ancious?

[newmemethinks]

Iv joined mumsnet for a little life's guidance.
Im 33 years old with 3 children, recently separated well I say recent it's been 20 months. Where has that time gone? It's been a rollacoaster of emotions.
It kinda feel's like a blur. I find myself on a completely different path and Im not sure where it's heading.
The problem I have is I'm always ancious, waiting to be happy, waiting for normality, just waiting and can not relax.
I'm not sure if this is even gonna make sense to anyone, it makes sense to me but hard to write it in words, and to try and explain the lead up to how I feel in a little box is quite difficult.
I guess I'm in a rut? I just dont know what I'm waiting for all of the time.
Maybe I dont make any sense but just to talk to other single mums might benefit me right now.

I meant anxious! Its still early :-)

When you say anxious do you think you might be depressed? Do you have trouble sleeping? Do you work?

I dont know, I suffered pnd but back then it was awful, now Im not as bad as that. I want to live my life but find it hard. Is this depression or a rut that Im in?I dont know!
My kids dont sleep well, never have so my sleeping patterns have been interupted for years.
I dont work at the moment. Iv been a stay at home mum for many years.
My youngest starts school september so hoping to go to college.
Yesterday I went for a long walk with a friend and our girls it was a lovely day and lovely to be out and have adult conversation. When we went home she was going back to her bf and they had plans to sit in the garden and were hiring a film with her 2 and his 1 child.
I came home and felt so alone and I could hear other families in the garden and I sat there on the grass whilst the kids played and just felt so low, like empty! Its like everyone has a life and I exsist! I know I have my kids and Im very very lucky.
I dont think Im depressed I think Iv been trying so hard to build a new life with so many obsticles than I feel I have no strength left.

I think some form of work, even for a few hours that givews you purpose & some adult company would be very worthwhile.

I know what you mean and there are a few reasons for it, I just hope I can try and explain it well enough.

When you have been through a divorce, or other difficult time, your subconcious is thinking what if it happens again? Would I be able to cope? This is normal, especially if it was unexpected and overwhelming.

Also, being a parent (not just single) you have to cope with the unexpected, eg kids falling off slide so an unexpected trip to A and E. This is even harder being a single parent, especially if you have no support as you have to cope with anything and everything that is thrown at you all by yourself. This doesn't help with anxiety!!

Also, you're aware that you want to build a new life, but as yet, not sure how to. You recognise you want to change, but not sure how, so this builds up as anxiety too.

Throw all of this together and it's no wonder you feel anxious!!

On a practical level too, just having insufficient sleep I think can cause anxiety.

I think it sounds like you could do with some counselling, perhaps CBT?

It should be free through your local surgery.

CBT is supposed to be good at dealing with anxiety, I am waiting for my 6 free sessions to start after Easter!

HTH.