Dilemma about children visiting their dad

[ChaiLady]

I have two boys aged 9 and 11 and I am very unsure how to handle things with ds2 and his fortnightly visits to his dad. He has always been reluctant to go and see him or stay the night but this has got more tricky now that his dad has remarried. He got married again last July and now his a stepson and stepdaughter, and unfortunately the stepson is 10 - right in the middle of my two. It couldn't be a worse situation as ds1 is laid back, sociable and takes everything in his stride; whereas ds2 is a very anxious little boy who has a diagnosed attachment disorder, a difficult history at school and is much quieter.

Every weekend when they go to visit (usually Friday to Saturday, every other weekend, so not that often) ds2 says he doesn't want to go, gets very anxious and has been known to point blank refuse and go and hide in his bedroom. The thing is, that ds1 goes and is ok to do so, but he's not terribly keen and would really rather stay at home. So if ds2 doesn't go it's not fair for ds1, although he doesn't usually say anything, but I know from a conversation we had at New Year that sometimes he feels it's unfair.

I just don't know what to do, because I can't force ds2 to go, only encourage. I have made such progress with him over the last few years - he is now settled into a mainstream school with no statement, which is amazing considering I had to remove him from his first primary due to his awful behaviour. He is no longer seeing his psychotherapist and, on the whole, is doing well. Even though he is now 9 though, he still wets the bed every night, and he does get very anxious.

I have tried to talk to their dad and new wife but it has got us nowhere - they just want it to work and play happy families, but it's not like that.

If anybody has any advice it would be much appreciated. Thank you!

go back to the therpaist.
get therapist to talk to him and ascertain what is the problem and what he wants.

How would you deal with this if your DS was refusing to attend school?

Think of this the same way - your DS relationship with his dad is at least as important as schooling; and in the same way, you and his Dad have a responsibility to him to ensure it happens.

I agree that he needs to build up a relationship with his dad but his dad needs to be on board and take some responsibility for doing it too. So, for example, he sees them once every two weeks and there is little, if any, contact inbetween. I have mentioned this but nothing changes. Also, I have suggested things such as him spending time with ds for the day rather than staying over, but that doesn't go down well.

I've spoken to the therapist who thinks there is an insecure attachment with his father.

Would the the therapist be prepared to speak to your DS dad directly?
Or perhaps invite your ex to mediation to emphasis how important it is to you that the issue is resolved?

It may be hard for your ex to hear the message if he is defensive before you start - a third party can defuse the situation and get past the emotions.

I think you're right that his dad really needs to be on board to make it work. It's your job to facilitate access and reassure an anxious child, but their dad really needs to help address the issue. What's he like when he's there? Do the step children go off to their own dad at any time? If so, could you rearrange access so that your DSs can go and see their dad when the other kids aren't there? Or if it's only one night a fortnight, could their dad take them somewhere else - eg grandparents. One night a fortnight isn't a lot for them to feel part of the new family - would they actually settle better with longer? Or a whole weekend, maybe once every two or three weeks?

Do either of your DSs have any suggestions as to what could make access better for them? ie take it as a given that they go to their dad, but could they go once a week for the day instead? Or are there things they would like to have at his house that they don't have?

Purpleroses, ds2 is ok some of the time but he uses Facetime on his ipod to contact me and is always saying he's 'bored' and wants to come home. 'Bored' is his way of not being able to express how he's really feeling. One of the problems is the inflexibility of his dad and new wife. The weekends that my dss are there so are her children and they go to their dad when my boys are with me. So the happy couple get a weekend to themselves every two weeks! And that is the way it has to stay! Sadly, dss have never been his priority and I can't see that changing.

I like your suggestion to actually ask the boys what they want in terms of access. Maybe we could then find a workable solution

Think you ex is being a bit rubbish really. Does he actually want to keep seeing his DSs? If not, then you need to decide how important it is to you that they do and how much you're prepared to push the relationship if he keeps being crap. But if he does, and his DS is not happy and not getting along with his DSS he (and his DW) either need to address the problem, or shift to having the DCs on different weekends - if yours are only there one night a fortnight that would still give them half a weekend to themselves every fortnight wouldn't it? I think you're right that kids often say they're bored when they're not really happy and can't explain it any better - so if they could be helped to articulate (to their dad ideally) what they're not happy about, or what might make it better, that might help.

The weekends that my dss are there so are her children and they go to their dad when my boys are with me. So the happy couple get a weekend to themselves every two weeks! And that is the way it has to stay!

I hear what you are saying about Dad not being involved - but coinciding weekends for all DCs' may not be as selfish as it sounds - it is something that is a non-negotiable for me as well, not so we can have a child-free weekend, but for the DC's.

DSS contact is court ordered, and DD has an informal 50:50 arrangement - and if the weekends didn't coincide, DD and DSS would only spend time together during school holidays - they would be strangers to each other, and it would never be possible to build a blended family on the basis of a week at Xmas & Easter and two in the summer - always assuming it was possible to coincide the children's access in the holidays. I understand if you say that isn't your problem and your DS's have a family with you, they don't need another with their Dad and his DSC - but obviously, he will feel differently.

I am not an advocate of asking children of that age what they would like in terms of access - it is a HUGE responsibility and no matter how it is dealt with, the risk that the child experiences the conflict of being asked to choose between parents is almost unavoidable

Unlimited access to you (via FB, text or phone) during a visit may also add to their feelings of anxiety - DSS recently told his mum that he didn't want to think about her when he was here as he wanted to have fun without missing her, so he didn't want to have to speak to her on the phone so often

Maybe my post wasn't clear - I wasn't suggesting asking them what they wanted in terms of "do you want access or not?" but in terms of what their dad could do differently to make the access better for them - this could include changing sleeping arrangements at his house, getting more toys/books/computer for them, having more time with just their dad and not the other DCs, etc.

It could also include changing the pattern of access (as opposed to the total amount). I do think that's something you can ask kids' views on, even from quite a young age.

Maybe he should instead come over and take the kids to the park and get some one on one time with them. If he ds2 is alreadyu insecure he must feel even more so with not only a new woman in his dads life but also two step children. He may feel like he is being pushed out and replaced by these step children?

I really want my children to build a relationship with their dad and to fit into his new family - I totally appreciate that the children need to see each other, but the point is that it isn't happening at the moment and that's where I'm stuck. I have never stopped access and never would and have always tried to be very reasonable about it. I have made mistakes along the way and I'm learning from them, but it's very difficult to get a working arrangement with a man who is very self-centred and dominant. Also, when the child in question has an attachment disorder it does complicate the whole situation.

At the moment I have to take each visit at a time. So today, for example, ds got very worked up about going with his dad. When the time came to go it just wasn't going to happen and his dad said 'well, there's nothing I can do about it' and really wasn't that bothered .

Agree with you MyLittleMiracle about him coming over to take the boys out from here.

his dad said 'well, there's nothing I can do about it' and really wasn't that bothered

...and that could be where you start - do everything you can to emphasis how important your DS contact with their Dad is; let the school know you are struggling, ask your sons therapist to engage with their Dad, talk to your exIL, discuss it with friends, contact a mediation service - don't let it drop, push as hard as you can for him to engage with them.

If, despite all that, he is not bothered, then you have done the best you possibly can for your DS. Don't underestimate the influence of his partner, either - she has children of her own; why would she be with a man who doesn't care about his own DC's?

I think you are doing all you can for your boys and asking them a little about it ok in my book.
your ex is the one who will lose out in the end though you really can't change his attitude I'm afraid

As an aside re: wetting the bed has he been to an enurisis clinic? Both of mine had primary enurisis and didn't stop wetting the bed until very late (13 in one case) but all sorted now, just be gentle with him as I'm sure you are.