Should I tell my 5yo why absent Daddy never rings or visits?

[Propinquity]

Mum of two under 5, father lives 200 miles away and has not spoken or visited children since last October. Did not ring on Christmas Day (has been here past two Christmases).

He does this, used to be incommunicado for weeks or months on end, went six months without seeing him when I was pregnant with youngest. We have never really lived together fulltime, as he has two other properties which he used to spend time between (one being renovated, the other storage for his 'work'/hobbies).

But now my eldest is nearly 5, she has oobviously begun to question his absence and why he will not answer the phone when she asks to ring him and say goodnight. My excuses so far have been he's alerady gone to bed or is poorly or his phone battery's died. All lies, but my question is, should I know tell her the truth or keep lying? Should I explain somehow that Daddy doesn't want to talk to them? And if so, what reason should I give? I believe it's because it hurts him too much to hear them talk because he misses them so much (I moved away, domestic violence issues) but then he has never made efforts to visit very much or phone and will not set up Skype, never sends birthday cards and so on , so he can't miss them that much?

Has anyone else been in similar situation and if so what did you do?
Or what would be people's general advice?

I try to keep relations civil with him, do not speak badly of him in front of the children and have begged, pleaded and encouraged him to contact, but no success.

Is it time to tell the children, or should I put it off a few more years? I am trying to think of how this knowledge might affect her future, how she will view her father, how it may go on to affect her choices in relationships with men (or women).

I think you should tell the truth, or a kind version of the truth. Children are always smarter than we give them credit - they usually work out when they're not being lied to.

I would say something along the lines that you don't know why he doesn't call them and that some people just aren't very good at being parents. More than anything you need to reassure them how loved they are and that it is not their fault.

(I definitely wouldn't say 'It's because he misses you so much' because that's blatantly bullshit and it sets him up to be some kind of tragic hero, when in reality, he is just a selfish, irresponsible excuse for a man)

only he can explain why - you canno know what is in his head.

so all you can say is that you "dont know" why he doesnt pick up.
and that you understand that she might be sad about it. but it is nothing she did wrong.

and then point to her friends/relatives who do call and make contact. etc.

My ex has hardly any phone contact with DS between contact. DS is 7 and usually phones ex once or twice a week and leaves a message. If he asks if he can phone Daddy, I always let him but remind him that Daddy might not answer so he should be prepared to leave a message if that happens. I just say that I don't know why he doesn't answer, if pushed I suggest that he might be busy, at work or not hear the phone. Ex does always tell DS that he has been busy with work.

Thanks cestlavielife that seems most sensible.

corlan covered what I would say . My little boys dad used to turn up when he felt like it and it was heartbreaking when he kept letting him down. Hes 9 now and knows that he has lots of other people that think hes amazing and its up to him if he wants to pursue the realtionship with his dad when hes older. I have never bad mouthed his dad but life is too short to allow him to be treated like that...