Anyone else change their childrens name from exdp to yours?

[mama2moo]

I want to change my dd's surname to mine. Luckily exdp and I never married.

He isnt sure and is still 'thinking about it'. My argument is that I care for them every day, provide for them and take to school etc. Why should they keep his name?

I know I need his permission to do it. Has anyone done it? Do you think I am being unreasonable?

Why can't your children keep the name they were given? DP & I are not married and so I don't have the same name as my DC's. Does it matter?

I gave my dc my own name when they were born. If you didn't feel strongly enough to do so then, I don't see it matters all that much now. It would irk me, though - he doesn't seem too averse to the change? how long ago did you split up?

We split in January but it has been on the cards for years. When dd1 was born everything was great. Dd2 was born and I didnt want him at the birth because things were bad. I wish I had given them my name to start with but never thought it would come to this.

I think he is going to yes. I remember a friend telling me that her ds used to get upset because he didnt have the same name as her.

Nope. Wouldn't change their first names either! Because it's their name!

Having said that, I have kept my married name post-divorce, because it's the same as my DDs.

How come you weren't bothered about having different name from them beforehand, but you are now?

I thought about doing this but I felt it would be more destabilising to my dcs to change their names than to have a mother with a different name. It doesn't matter either way to me - it's just a name.

sorry, you mean you think your ex is going to agree? or object?
your split is fairly recent. When I left ex I did everything for dc, he did not see them for a year and it would have felt wrong at that point for them to have his name, so iswym. But further down the line he is taking more of an active part. So it might not be so raw for you, given time.
My dc have my name because I had to walk around like a goddam pumpkin for 9 months, and because I want to pass my family name on. It does make life a lot simpler, I have to say!

I think changing a surname pre school is easier as they don't tend to use it a lot til then. After that it would be a pretty dramatic statement. I'd tend to leave it.

Dd1 starts school this year. If it was after that I wouldnt.

Its not to get at dp at all. Its because I would love us to all have the same name. I guess I thought one day we would get married (when dd1 was born). I think he is going to agree.

The other thing is that when I register them everyone assumes they have my surname and I have to correct it. It would be easier.

I can see your reasoning but don't agree with it. Both my DCs have their fathers' surnames (engaged both times) and despite the fact that neither relationship lasted until they reached school, changing their surname seemed wrong and somewhat selfish to me.

As main carer, everyone knows you are their mum, and schools are very used to less than traditional families, especially now. I went through it the first time over 20 years ago and can count on one hand how many times I was presumed to have the same surname as DD. Having their fathers' surname helps them keep a tangible connection with that side of their family IMO.

And what happens if you eventually marry someone else as I did? Do you insist on keeping your maiden name or do you change your DCs surname again?

Does he have Parental Responsibility? If not, I've got a feeling you don't actually need his permission. Otherwise, what about adding your name to their current surname, so it's double-barrelled?

Threads like this make me so glad I gave DS my surname, not my bastard twat of an ex's.

Could you double barrel their surnames?

My DD has an absolutely ridiculous double barrelled surname which has kept honour on both sides. It's a real mouthful but she can always change it when she's 18 if that's her choice.

I think it's a difficult dilemma. If the father had abandoned his children, then I'd say do it, but if he's still part of their lives, then it feels like you're pushing him out a bit.

I suppose it depends a lot on where you live. I live in a very multicultural area where not all women take their husband's name when they marry and some surnames are different if you are married or single, male or female. No one seems to care or expect everyone in a family to have the same surname. My surname is the same as my father's and so is my DS's and every one in my family. I never changed my name when I married.

OP, if you married someone later on, would you change your name? That would then throw off balance the whole same name reason.

My thoughts are unless this is a real issue for the child, then I wouldn't change their name. My feelings are that both the name and the child must have come from happier times, and so it's a reminder that even though a relationship may break down and alot of crappyness comes from such a poor relationship, also good things such as our children also come from such a relationship. And as such, should we feel that our relationship, the naming of our children, the children that came from the relationship ... are a mistake that should be undone or some how corrected? It's just my way of looking at things not really saying anything about it being right or wrong, just a way to look at it. I can't put my finger on it but something about saying "I care for them every day, provide for them and take to school etc" seems to make me uneasy that it's an issue for the parent and not the child. Again just saying how my brain works rather than oooh it's wrong, or oooh it's right.

I have no advice, but one quick (I hope) question.

My XH left in December (DD is now 16mo and DS 4mo). I haven't spoken to him since (apart from the day I threw all of his stuff at him in a really classy, bad tv drama kind of situation). He hasn't tried to get in contact with me or the DC (he told me this would be the case).

Would I need to get his permission to change the DC's surname (when I change mine)?

(Sorry for the hijack, couldn't be bothered to start a new thread and hadn't occurred to me to ask on here )

This is not always clear cut.... DD has her dad's name and it really niggles me that she does.... and it has also had its drawbacks when we have gone abroad and I have been questioned about my relationship with my daughter....

"Our daughter" was not planned and one of those stupid situations that arose when our relationship was on the rocks - I was 41...and I got pregnant from sleeping with him on the one occasion in 6 months we had had sex!

DD has her dad's name because he threatened that he would have nothing to do with her unless she had his name.....so given that at the time of registering the birth I was already in a state because my EX had numerous hissy fits when I got home with our DD and I ended up going back into hospital because of feeding problems and stress....

So I feel that I had no choice but to do what he wanted in order to put our DD first but it really annoys me.... We were not married ... In stating the above our daughter has the name of a well known film and I would not change it ....her happiness comes before my feelings....

DD has her Dad's name - I've never had any difficulty going abroad or that her name is different to mine. People do know that parents get divorced. I don't get why a child would get upset about it - after all, their first name is different to yours, right?

It was very different for me as DD's Dad and I were married so we all had the same name for many years and she was 8 when we split up so far too old to change her name IMO - also it was a link to her paternal family which I thought was quite important.

The whole I care for them = my name thing is weird. When you say your name, I'm guessing that was your Dad's name. So did he do all the childcare when you were little?

My Dad was amazing when we were younger. He is more amazing now and is always doing things for us. So I suppose that might have something to do with it.

Bluenails - If he is on the birth certificate I think you need his permission. They can take legal action without it. There are some handy websites about it.

I take my DS abroad several times a year and the different surnames has never been an issue even when we had different nationalities! DS also looks nothing like me.

We also go abroad several times a year and last year the lady at passport control at Calais even asked me to have dd's birth certificate with me in future to show that I was her mother ..... and in Munich at New Year once again I was asked what our relationship was...although this time they actually asked how old DD was and then said she was now of an age where she could speak up so it wasn't an issue ... It maybe because I am an older mother...I'm 51 and DD is 9....and when we went to Florida I was advised by Virgin to take a letter signed by her dad who state it was ok to travel...YET I am the one with sole Parental Responsibility.... I was stopped at passport control in Stansted coming back from Majorca.... so they obviously just like asking me !

My dc (9 & 10) have recently asked to change their surname as their 'dad'refuses to speak to them and theyasked t do it as they want th same name as their 'real family - (DS's words). To be fair I hatd being known as his wife when I wasn;t and it was a horrible surname - dc getting teased so we're all much happier now! We live in Scotland where it's much easier to do - I just had to 'declare it' - ie tell someone I'd changed my name then went into banks etc with all my certificates and it was done!! School changed dc 's names straight away. EX prat of a husban/excuse for a father has no idea and I don't see what right he has to object, he has refused to see his children for years and won't even speak to them. I don't want hos name and neither do his children. In my defence I kept his name and did not utter a word about hating it in front of my kids! It came from them...

To give a slightly different view:

My mum changed my name when I was 3 from my dads surname to hers. Honestly it's a royal pain in the arse when applying for a passport / driving licence and also I really resented her for doing it even though I didn't see my dad that much growing up (6 times a year maybe) I always felt that his name was my name and should have stayed my name. The name is chinese and alludes to my heritage which is part if the resentment - i felt that it had taken away that part of my identity as i don't look Chinese but my surname clearly was. I intended on changing it back at 18 but when I realised that it would cause me even more faff - new passport/ bank account etc I just left it as it was.

Whatever you do dont confuse the poor kid by triple barrelling the name. A child I looked after had his dads surname, his mums maiden name & the last name of his mum when she got married. It's a very long name to be teaching a child to spell.