Anyone have any advice on single parent dating?

[JessyJ34]

Im thinking about joining a dating site. Iv been on my own a year now and my soon to be ex has a new girlfriend who he met about 6 weeks after we split, this was very hard for me to come to terms with, well still coming to terms really.
Iv lost about 5 stone since he left and still have about 2 to go. Im not very confident never have been, due to my chilhood.
I think its time I went on a few dates but Im so nervous for all sorts of reasons.
Does anyone have any advice or maybe in the same place as I am. Would be great to hear from you :-)

Just wondering because you don't mention - do you get out and about socially (without the kids?) much? I'd say the most important thing to focus on is yourself, having fun and spending time with friends and feeling good about yourself and who you are (not just a mum!) and not rushing into anything. I reckon that's more important, and you can leave dating til later, or you never know what might happen when you're least expecting it!

I go to a zumba class but thats about it. Every other weekend the kids go with their dad from fri to the sun and Im lost half of the time. I spend alot of it cleaning etc and I go to see my mum on a saturday. All my friends are either married or in relationships. I have been out though since the split but no not much as its hard to go out alone. I am feeling like Im missing someone just to talk to and chat about my day. I thought dating would help?

Yeah hmmmm.... I don't know, I've never been to a zumba class, do you all go for a drink afterwards or anything? Could you? I reckon just having a chat is a fantastic idea, it's always nice to see people, but it just doesn't sound like wanting a chat would necessarily be the best foundation for starting a new relationship? Don't know if I'm making any sense, couldd be totally wrong, and obviously it's up to you!!!

Even though most of your friends are in relationships does that mean you can't catch up? What if you just invited one or two over for pizza after school pick up on a Friday? The kids can all play and you could have some tea, beer, whatever your poison is and a bit of a gossip? I know it's not the same as properly going out, but I just think a bit of a regular(ish) catch up can make a big difference!

Ah well, whatever you decide to do - have fun & good luck! xx

I get 121's point about getting to know yourself a bit first but I'd say go for it. For me, I joined a dating site with just the intention of going on a few dates and not expecting anything to come of it but I've ended up meeting someone. But don't try and pin all your hopes on it and try and make sure you still make time to see friends as well. I found it quite hard to begin with as I'm not used to talking about myself.

Good luck

Yeah could do that! Its nice to catch up with friends.
I just dont know how else I would meet anyone? I worry I never will as its difficult at my age.
Thanks though Im def trying my hardest to concentrate on me.
I might have a little look at them and see how I feel.
Thanks both :)

Worked for me - me my DP though online dating, and am very happy with him :) Met up with quite a few others before though - best advice I'd give is to keep it casual at first - make the first date a coffee or short early evening drink - you'll know early on when you meet them if it's going anywhere. Don't spend ages emailing beforehand and building up an image of who the person is, as you really won't know til you meet them.

And if you can, get a friend to help you with your profile - find a photo that is flattering but casual looking. Mention the DCs in your profile - and possibly something you like doing with them, but don't dwell on them - try to sound like there are other things in your life too. One thing I did was to browse the profiles of women (in a different area from where I lived) to get ideas of what sorts of things people said that I liked.

The men I met were mostly quite shy people, whose own friends were married - so sound not unlike you. Good luck!

Thats a nice story, glad it worked for you.
Were you nervous? I know Id be so nervous!
Im not really used to speaking to people I dont know. I wonder if I will find it easy to talk?
I also worry about rejection.
Im sorry Im going on but its so scary being single again

Yes, I was nervous, but I think you have to think of it just as a chance to have a chat with someone and see how you get on. Try not to think of it as a big thing - meeting up with someone isn't about being in a relationship right from the start - it's just a date. So if they don't ask to meet up again, try not to feel that's a big deal - easier said than done, I know.

And have a few possible things to talk about ready - questions about their life are always good - pick up on things they say in their profile, their work, kids, etc, or general small-talk.

I have set up a profile on a dating site this morning with a little help from my friend.
Thanks for your advice :-)

Hey, relax.
Don't look on it as 'dating' just look on it as an excuse to get dolled up and go out for an evening as 'you'
No pressure, no expectation, just a night out with someone.
I've met loads of people this way and in the course of the past 18 months have 3 guys who I firmly class as good friends, plus another guy i met 6 months ago that is looking like a potential boyfriend.
Also going to a couple of gigs with other contacts.
Make the priority to enjoy yourself and build your own life.
Anything else is a bonus!

Thats good to hear! Glad its worked for you.
Im trying to be relaxed, I just have this huge fear of rejection.
The thought of someone meeting me and thinking oh she isnt what I expected makes me feel awful.
Iv set up a profile and these guys are being very nice about my looks but my pics dont show that Im still over weight, as there just head shots. I wish Id put full body shots on now but now Im embarrassed. Oh god I sound like a nightmare dont I. Im sorry I just have 0 confidence, Im mad with myself.

I'm not sure I would recommend online dating but that's because I hated the way you have to 'market' yourself.

I mean I know we all do in different ways all the time, just what we wear and so on but I find it much more comfortable to meet people in real life. Then it's not like you're looking, iyswim...and it takes the pressure off.

When I met DP he was around all the time and we didn't have to pretend anything, we saw each other as we were, and that's a good way to find out if you're compatible. There was no intention to 'find a partner' or anything...we just found we got on, and he's never gone away.

I think you are in the very early days and you shouldn't worry about this, or try to rush it. As Phil Collins said, you can't hurry love Just wait and it'll come to you one day. And you won't have wasted your energy on a bunch of people who weren't good enough.

Good luck x

just reading your latest post Jess,

it sounds as though you are very anxious that you need to please someone - you need to be good enough for them, in how you look, or they might reject you?

I'm sorry you feel so down about yourself. Be careful as a lot of the worse sorts of men will look for someone who feels vulnerable and not confident and they will take advantage of that.

If you spend some time with friends, with family, doing things you like doing, basically building up your semse of who you are inside and starting to believe that you're worth something - even if no one springs out at you and says 'yes, I fancy you', it doesn't matter because who you are is what makes you important. whatever that may be. And you have to be proud of who you are and not afraid to show the world that you believe in yourself.

Once you have that sense of self, and you're confident, you'll be ready to date someone who can see you for who ou are and love you as much as you love yourself for all the reasons you are you.

Does that make sense? I just worry that you will get hurt and feel worse, if you go into it looking for someone's approval - stuff a full body photo. You don't owe anyone that. your personality is what will make someone love you. Never forget that.

Full body shot or not, there is still a pretty high chance that you'll meet up and think - oh he's not what I was looking for, or vice versa. That's just the way it is with meeting new people in person for the first time.

I don't think men are expecting the women they meet all to be model-like, so really wouldn't worry about the extra pounds. But I do think you need an element of resilience to have much chance of online dating working. You might be very lucky and fall madly in love with the first person you meet, but most likely one or both of you won't. So you'd need to be able to cope with "rejection". I would look upon a date as a bit like chatting to someone at a party. If he makes an excuse that he's going to get a drink and wanders off, you wouldn't get all upset about it - so don't try to look upon the people you chat to by email or arrange to meet as boyfriends - just people you'd like to get to know a bit better

Thanks Flightty it does make sense and it was nice to read. Im trying so hard to build my confidence. After years and years of made to feel like Im not worth much its hard to build on that, but Im so trying and getting there.
purplroses, thanks for your advice, your right Iv got to be able to deal with rejection, I think if I was happy with who I am I suppose I would handle it differently.
Its hard to meet people in your every day life and harder with age and of course I have 3 children.
Im gonna try not to put too much pressure on myself.
Do you really think its early days its been about 15 months?

Oh bless you well tbh it's hard for me to say. I know I was heartbroken when I lost ds's father, and it took me several dodgy beginnings of relationships, with men who I thought might be alright but really weren't that nice. and another child, and still not the right one.

And here I am with my eldest boy nearly 9, and finally someone's turned up who might be worth keeping. And I don't think I was ready till now, if I am, that is. It is such a long journey, liking yourself, and very hard to build on what feels like nothing but it DOES happen, you DO get there, it's just time, and time, and lots of friends giving you a boost and being loved by people you know and all that sort of thing, that builds you up into someone who thinks she is worth something. In some way.

I wish you all the luck in the world and don't despair because you'll find someone to love you.

Thankyou so much :-)
Good luck to you too!

Be careful though, out there. The internet world attracts lots of weirdos IME, who want to prey on vulnerable women (if you are a single parent, to a greater or lesser extent, you may be vulnerable). Enjoy yourself, yes! But keep an eye out for red-flags.