DS gets angry when on the phone to Ex

[Happylander]

Title pretty much says it all really. Ex calls DS everynight but DS (2years old) either doesn't want to speak or gets really angry and throws phone. I am not sure what I can do about it I try and encourage him to talk and obviously tell him not to throw my phone.

Anyone else had this and what did you do?

No experience, but personally I think 2 years old is WAY too young to be expected to behave and talk on the phone every night! I'd find it a strain and I'm 43!

Skype a couple of times a week I'd have thought would be far more appropriate at this age.

behaviour is comunication - angry coz dad isnt there in person? or?

try and ask DS

but really a two year old on phone? my nephew 2 will say two words then run off to do something else.

either put kype on in same room as DS let him wander in and out of shot wave to dad or forget phone calls til ds asks.

How does the day to day contact with your other child goes?

I only have one child. Ex wants phone calls every night and as with everything else he gets what he wants or I am seen as stopping him. He does not care whether DS is angry or not or doesn't speak and in fact just starts saying 'are you still there and don't you want to speak to daddy' I have even been accused of turning DS against him when he won't speak on the phone. I have never and will never do that unlike Ex who is gathering stuff to show DS what a nasty evil person I am.

I think it was too young too have these phone calls every night but there is nothing I can do about it as my wishes do not count.

You can't make ds do anything therefore pass him the phone when ex calls & leave them to it!

Can he skype or video chat instead?

bribe ds to talk to his dad
sticker charts, read him a book, 10 minutes of tv etc, whatever works

i think 2 is young to understand phone calls BUT your ds needs a relationship with his dad

That is what I do do. I don't interfere at all but do try and stop him from throwing my phone as I am not sure how much more the phone can take without breaking!

I think you need to move to video chats, even if it stays at every night (I agree every night at 2 is probably too much, but you need to focus on the issue of the phone calls themselves first, as your DS gets older he can dictate the frequency if he thinks every night is too much). You can hardly be blocking contact if you're offering a better option, you just need to word it right

It sounds to me that possibly the reason your ex calls every night is not so much that he wants to talk to your ds (as surely he must realise that at 2 yrs old that its difficult to make a child talk on the phone) but that he is controlling your life as you are having to accept his nightly phone calls.

If I were you I would say to the ex that you will ring him when your ds wants to chat with his dad

I did try Skype a couple of times but I found it distressing him having him in the house so to speak...does that make sense. I needed time to get used to him walking out first plus his internet connection was poor so it would just keep crashing and DS would play with the keyboard or close laptop.

He has become even more horrible since then and I really can't face having to deal with him Skyping every night as that then ties me to my house. When I have asked him to call earlier because I have been doing stuff he just ignores me and still rings at around the same time.

I have also said that I will call him when DS asks to but this was not acceptable to him either and again I was told I was using DS as a weapon to get back at him blah blah blah

I understand about 'having him in the house' - can you put the computer on a table facing a wall, so that he can't see too much behind ds, would that help?

What time does he usually ring? If it's at the same time at least it's consistent.

Again, bribery and star charts etc.

I'm sure there's a back story but just don't bow to what he wants . No court in the land would think a daily phone call from a 2 year old was reasonable.

How about talking to Gingerbread to get some idea of what is considered "good practice" at this age.
I'd have thought any phone call at just 2 is asking a lot. Is your DC used to talking on the phone either with ex or with anyone else in the family?
You could get some practice in by phoning your mum or friend and encouraging DS to chat to them even if it is just hello, bye.
And say calmly to ex that it may take some time and explain the effect it is having on DS, plus note it down so that you can show someone if you are heading for court what the effect is and that you are trying.
The whole point of contact is for DS's benefit, not your ex's. Can he send a card, a v small pressie as way of showing DS that he is still in his life?
At this rate the poor thing is going to have a phobia every time the phone rings

He is rubbish on the phone to everyone even me but he doesn't get angry. He won't talk sometimes to me but I just say a quick hello and I love you to him so he has heard my voice that day and don't push him as he is only 2.

I have told him the effect it has on him and he also knows he throws the phone but he does not care about that as long as he gets his phone call.

I am just ready to do the skype thing again yet as he has been awful to me and I don't want to be tied to my house every night at 6pm and trust me if I was to miss a night he would be slagging me off and telling everyone I am stopping him from speaking to DS. Plus I don't want to see him and OW playing happy families and listen to her speaking to DS over skype far too soon.

not there should have been a 'not ready' in there

I had something VERY similar! In my case it's my dd (nearly 6) who HATES the calls, and would throw the phone/cry/ refuse to talk etc. My ds (nearly 2) likes the phone on the other hand!

I got exactly the same response as you (I was blocking the calls/ didn't want him to contact them/ I was told they "needed" the consistency and he would not stop the calls) He also insisted on calling at 6pm every night, just when we were starting baths etc etc despite me repeatedly telling him they were too tired and it wasn't a good time to call and could he try earlier. And like your ds my dd got a bit of a guilt trip about not wanting to talk.

Not very helpful in your case but I eventually managed to persuade him to call them at their childminder's in the week so the calls could be earlier. My childminder bribes my dd with various games etc to talk, and says she just repeats a "hello daddy have you had nice day? I've had a nice day. I'm going now" type of conversation and gets it over with. My ds then has the phone until it gets cut off.

When he rings here now, I ask dd if she wants to talk, but I don't get stressed about it any more. I just say "she doesn't want to talk" if she says no and leave it at that. She's stopped getting quite so anxious and upset now she doesn't "have" to speak, and sometimes she will talk.

I think I'd tell your ex that you will ask your ds if he wants to talk and just calmly tell your ex he doesn't want to if he refuses. Try not to get drawn into the emotional stuff. Agree it's hard for your ex if he doesn't want to talk, but say you're sure he'd rather your son wasn't getting upset. I'd put it all in writing too - just saying that your son is very upset at the nightly calls and asking him how you think it should be dealt with. That way you have a record both of your concerns and that you're trying to sort it out with your ex.

My dd doesn't like talking to me on the phone either. So much so I stopped calling her and I just text now. But I got accused of "not feeling bothered" about calling them

PS - not saying writing will sort it out - it didn't in my case - I just got lots of pompous emails back! But at least I have it all on record that I was worried about my dd/ the time of calls etc and that I was trying to come up with ways to sort it out!

Thank you. I will try to explain again in an email. I doubt it will help but then at least I can say that I tried.

I have a contact agreement with my stbxh which states that the kids can choose to phone him/me whenever they like, but that ex/me can only call when necessary and phone calls are not to be too often or too intrusive.

Daily phonecalls are excessive. Could you suggest to him that if he continues phoning daily it may damage his relationship with his son? If he is not budging on it, talk to a solicitor.

Sorry Happylander, after your thread of your ex not agreeing to take your DS to swimming and football classes despite your child wanting to, I assumed we were talking about an older child with clearly defined interests, not about a toddler.

Now, with regards to the phone... I would make one single suggestion: Don't cajole your son into talking to his dad. Dad has to understand that children that age are not interested in long conversations on the phone to their dad, or anyone else.

I would suggest a conversation with the dad to find out other ways to keep him up to date on the day to day of his son: diary of activities, drawings, photos, whatever.

I would advise against skype, you and your ex are not yet over the worst of the split and having him "popping into the house" via the computer screen every night will be too much for both you and your ex. People will say that is for the sake of the child, but if this causes such level of conflict, it is NOT helping your child at all: You need to be able to keep the communication channels open in order to coparent separately in an efficient way, if Skype is ruining the fragile chance to keep in civil terms, you both would be making a great disfavour to your child.

I have sent him an email just stating that I don't think nightly phone calls to DS are good for him as he gets angry and what would he like to do.

My main issue regarding the swimming and football etc was that I specifically asked Ex if he was going to continue with them before I paid for the next lot. Since we split he has always said yes and that he wants him to go. Then all of a sudden changed his mind after I had paid for next lot.

Good for you! Let us know how he responds! If he's anything like my ex you'll get one back saying that you should be encouraging him to talk/ that he's doing it to be consistent/ that it's important to maintain a relationship and hinting that you're the one to blame for him getting upset (by not presenting it as something wonderful for your son!) Basically ignoring the actual problem here. (I'm not saying maintaining the relationship isn't important of course, just that he needs to consider how to do this as what's happening isn't working)

Hopefully he's not too much like my ex, and will actually think about how to change this for the better

I think when it comes to my ex, lots of his responses are simply an attempt to wind me up. What works best is when I stay calm and reasonable and don't get drawn into an argument. With your clubs problem I would just say something like "that's a shame as he really enjoys them. I'll make sure he goes when he's with me." Don't show him you're annoyed (even though it's very annoying!!) It's his loss if he doesn't take him to a paid, fun activity. And silly, because it could mean your son will look forward more to weekends with you.

The other thing that sometimes works with my ex is suggesting a third party become involved (e.g. mediation.) I don't do it as a "threat" - I actually think it would probably really help sometimes. But he never wants it to happen, so he usually backs off.

Thank you. I have suggested mediation but he turned that down and said ' i have my opinions you have yours and no way is a social worker going to change that' oh well at least I tried and so did the mediation company.

He actually replied 'okay what days will suit you?' I was extremely shocked as he has previously been very nasty and had a go at me for just asking hhim to call DS when he is at my mums (3 times a week) for a while and said he should be able to speak to DS every day and I am being vindictive by stopping him. I asked him to call DS at my mums for a while because I was finding it very distressing hearing his voice and that wasn't fair on DS to see me upset during phone calls or just after phone calls to his Dad as I didn't want DS to associate that with his dad..if you get what I mean.

I think that he has realised that court won't look favourably on him if he bully's DS into phone calls and the change in his emails is very strange. Either that or he sent the email when OW was not there as there is a very marked difference in him/texts/emails when I know he is likely to be with OW.

DS loved the football and it was something he really looked forward to and first thing he talked about on Sunday mornings and the same with swimming and it is a shame he couldn't see that. What is also a shame is that these activities were important to Ex especially the football and he has now stopped that. Ex was the one that wanted him to go in the first place. DS will never get to do any of the weekend football or other sports or activities that his peers will do when he starts school as Ex won't let him which I think is very sad.

Is this the one who has said he won't come and see DS unless you do half the driving? Poor little DS will have to get used to the phone then. I know how intrusive nightly phonecalls can be - we have to do them twice daily with DSS (although he is much older now) and sometimes had to wake him up to do them! But they were court ordered so perhaps courts think it is a good idea to keep contact going?

Try not to worry about weekend activities - they run lots of things in the week and it is a long time in the future.

starting school is way down the line who knows where you ex wil be then... and by then our DS will be able to express himself more with ex.

if the reality is that ex doesnt turn up ahlf the time you may as well keep the football and just miss the odd sesson once per month after all at two the coach isn hardly going to be hard on him for missing it

dont jump too far ahead..