Does anyone else still have to go out of their way to avoid an abusive ex?

[Meglet]

XP went 3 years ago so we've been left in peace since then.

However because he might flip if he saw us (especially DS, DD was too little when we split and he didn't know her) I have to avoid town at weekends and go to a supermarket that I know he's not likely to use. Not that I particularly want to take young children to a busy town at weekends, but it would be nice to not feel scared doing it.

It's horrible still having to plan things around him. These days we can only do things like have pj days / days out or visit the park at weekends.

Are you still in contact/receiving news about what he is up to by second parties?

Perhaps by now he has moved on and wouldn't react as you expect

Don't let you life be ruled by fear of what MIGHT happen.

Going shopping in a public place gives you some security, he surely wouldn't attack you in front of others?

Hold your head up high and don't think about him, get on with your life and enjoying your lovely kids.

If he DOES approach you all you have to do is say very loudly and firmly

"I don't want to talk to you, leave us alone," keep repeating it and call for help if needed, someone will get the store manager & security.

3 yrs is a long time to be afraid, I can totally understand it but if you give into it he is still bullying you isn't he?

Do you have any reason to think he would cause trouble has he contacted you at all?

I've been told he's started hitting his new girlfriend so he hasn't calmed down. They only live a mile away.

I don't want him to see the dc's as it might trigger him into asking for contact. It's just a PITA having to bear it in mind.

It's at the point where I won't send his family school photos of the kids as I don't want him to see them, I'll e-mail stuff but they're not likely to print it off.

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Just congratulate yourself on getting away from him! Up to a certain point, it's just common sense to minimize the risk of bumping into him. You don't want to give him too much power in your mind, though, by picturing him as a bogeyman. He's a pathetic loser who makes himself feel big by acting the bully.

You can bite the bullet, and risk being seen by your ex, OR you can move to a place where you are unlikely to bump with him.

But what you can't do is to continue living your day to day life hiding from him.

As Piglet said, you can't hide for ever.

After 3 years if he wanted to chase you for custody if would have done it by now if you were still in the area. If he suddenly decided he wanted to then you have 3 years of him not being bothered plus his known abuse of another partner.

He's a pathetic loser don't let him control your life of that of your DC's.

Also meglet I know you "don't want" him to see the DC's but he does have a right to some access unless you can prove he is a danger to them.

If he wanted to he could go to court to fight & get access if only at a family contact centre, however the court wouldn't look favourably on him not trying before now as much as they'd not look favourably on you denying access.

I shouldn't think he is bothered by now, you obviously have conact with some of his family & he's still not made an effort so why are you worried?

Oh yes, every parent, violent or not, has a right to have contact with their children as long as the children are safe with him. Proving that the man is danger to them is a difficult thing though... sometimes you have social services, domestic abuse organisations, a highly traumatised resident parent, and children terrified to see the non resident parent, all working to avoid contact or minimise the damage it will cause. Then comes non resident parent who, as most abusers, is able to portray himself as a charming and decent person whose children don't want to see him just because the resident parent has "brainwashed" them against him... and he is given access, albeit, with luck (but rarely), supervised.

It is incredibly difficult to prove a parent has been abusive to his children to the point that contactt should be restricted, avoided or supervised. So I understand the OP thinking that avoiding bumping with his ex is perhaps the only way to protect her children.

To be fair, no parent has a right to contact - it is the DCs that have a right to a relationship with both parents.
If those DCs are at risk or in danger by the contact, then it can be prevented - but I agree that there isn't a 'just in case' approach - there has to be evidence

i feel really sad for you that he is still controlling you after 3 years! It must be so crap to have to always been on edge about bumping into him. how would you feel about moving away somewhere different where there is no chance of seeing him?