Is she just too young to be away from mummy?

[decreeabsolute]

Any advice or shared experiences appreciated on this. My ex-husband has moved back up north and me and DD aged 2.5 live3 hours away from him in the south. We've established fortnightly overnight visits for her there since the new year and they were going OK. But this weekend he had to bring her home before the end of the first day because she became very distressed and asking for me and to be at mummy's house. She has since also said she wants to see daddy and be at his house, so clearly she's trying to make sense of it all and establish how much control she has over the situation, bless her. Is she just too young to be that far away from me for one or two nights? We've been separated for nearly a year. Anyone have any advice or experience with this? Her not having siblings makes it more difficult for her I think.

No I don't think its too young and I would be more concerned that her dad felt unable to cope with her crying and panicked into bringing her home.

I would talk to your ex about ways of calming her down, distraction etc and making sure her routine is similiar at her dads house to yours.

My DD was having occasional sleepovers at her grandparents from around your DD's age.
You might have to work really hard to 'sell' these visits as a grand adventure for her and maybe get your DH to encourage your DD to put her own stamp on her space (choosing bedding, putting up some of her pictures, keeping some special toys there). Also get your DH to come up with a routine that your DD loves, it could be that they always have a special breakfast or watch a certain TV programme, something she associates especially with visiting her dad.
It's something she will become used to given time and support, and I'm sure that seeing her dad regularly will make it worthwhile in the long run.

All comments really helpful thank you. She does skype with him a couple of times a week, but I haven't skyped her yet while she's there so should try that. I've just begun speaking to him about putting up pictures of her and making his house feel more like her home.

No. I had an operation recently and my just over 2 year old (then) stayed with my aunt and uncle for four nights. She got spoilt and had a fab time. She did ask for me but that's natural at that age. She'll be fine :)

As long as his dad remains a familiar figure in her life and she considers him so, it is ok.

Don't give up because one visit didn't go to plan.

Now if your ex was hardly in the life of your child to the point that she didn't even recognise his face, I would say that it is unreasonable, but given what you explain, no. Things should be ok :)

your ex needs to be less ready to give up . distract her she will be fine. she jsut needed reassuarance of "see mummy tomorrow" .
your ex was being a wimp

but now she knows how to make daddy give up - and take her back to mummy. next time he need sto be calm and distract and say "see mummy tomorrow sleep here tonight le's read a book/watch cbeebies/go for a wlak" etc. "

he needs to work on distraction etc.

she will be fine so long as he generally caring dad etc

My DD did overnights from when she was a baby with her dad, and was OK. But I think you're right in what you say about siblings - she was very reliant on her older brother I think. It's nice that your ex was prepared to bring her back early if she was really distressed - I don't think at 2.5 DCs are manipulative in the sense that she's likely to conjure up fake tears to get what she wants. But he does need to prevent it becoming a pattern - best if he just keeps her busy when she's with him, and gives her some things that are the same as home (eg Cbeebies, teddy, etc - and as much routine as possible - as that's the only way they really have much sense of what's happening next at that age.

I also used to have a chart on the wall with the days of the week on it and an arrow pointing at them, and the DCs used to make pictures of what happened on each day of the week (eg going to dad's or nursary) - it helped them to develop a sense of what happens when I think and made it feel less like I was springing surprises on them when I took them to their dad's - your DD could make one and even take it with her to her dad's so that she understands that the next day she will go back to mummy's.

My dd started staying at mine at 2 every other w/e . They can be manipulative at 2 !

I found the following would happen.

Me : ok sweetie time for bed ( insert something dd didn't want to do )

dd : Want mummy. Want mummy's house.

She'd then look at me to see my reaction.

I know all kids are different, but mine would only roll out the line about going back to mummies when things weren't going her way. And initially I did find it upsetting until I spoke to some Mumsnetters who reassured me it was par for the course. And dd clearly wasn't distressed as such.

If she'd have genuinely been in distress I would have considered taking her back to mums, and in the early stages her mum and I discussed the possibility that I may, over one weekend take her back if she was really unhappy, but it's never happened/ ( dd did once threaten to walk home to mummies, all 30 miles :) two minutes later she was happy as pie )

The only time dd has seemed genuinely upset has been a couple of times at night when she's woken up, possibly had a bad dream, probably clocked the less familiar surroundings and cried for mummy.

But lots of hugs and reassurance has put her at rest. I just see it as part of parenting. Calm her, reassure her she'll be going back to mummies, mine seems to like me singing to her if she's having a bad night )

I think one can see what is genuine upset and what is manipulation. I think as long as dad has plenty of stuff for dd to do ( paints, pencils, books, toys etc ) and takes dd out to do interesting stuff he should really be able to handle it ok.

If his place isn't child friendly at all then I could see why your dc might feel like going home to mums.

two year olds can certianly test bondaries ! and learn quickly what gets the required reaction!

All of these comments have been very reassuring thank you. Ex-h is a caring father but poor at planning and seems to be lacking in confidence over her visits. Our split was acrimonious and recent so we're still finding the boundaries for co-parenting her without getting involved in eachother's lives. She's been sleeping in a bed at home since before Christmas but he is only just getting a bed for her at his this week. He is going to to take her to choose the bedding next time she's there though (on my suggestion having read these threads) so that's hopefully a sign that he's willing to make an effort and is prepared to take some advice from me. You've made me feel that all is not lost just because one visit went awry. It's easy to panic!

purpleroses - the wall chart is a brilliant idea, I'm going to make one tonight. And Mr Gin, thank you for sharing - apparently DD actually opened the front door to leave at the weekend!

decreeabsolute

When dd first started coming to stay with me I was concerned, actually quite worried, that she'd reject me and my home. I was in tears of relief after the first visit as it turned out my worries were not borne out. ( real men do cry ! )

But I did rightly put effort into making it a happy environment for her. Some of this was common sense, some through observation of the set up at mum's home, and some suggestion from mum, my XP.

Simple things like having colouring pencils, paper, playdoh, paints at the ready were there because I simply observed the things that were at mum's place. Things like checking her nappy in the night, or keeping to her bedtime routine were achieved through talking with my XP. Things like making sure there were soft toys and books for bedtime was common sense. Things like making sure I had food, drink and a spare set of clothes in case of accidents during travel was learned through experience. ( pretty quickly )

I was a bit poor at planning, still am to a degree, although my ( and dd's ) favourite activity is exploring the woods which requires little planning as I live about 100 yards from said woods.

But I'm getting better at planning for rainy days. we regularly go swimming so I have the pool timetable for example. But one thing worth noting is that your XP is unlikely to have the same support network of other mums and playdate activities, he's possibly not used to organizing children's activities, and there may be a lack of them at the weekends.

Sticker books are a must now for journeys and I usually try and plan a stop off if needed when I travel with dd.

If he is a caring father he should start to twig all this pretty quickly, the stuff about routines can only come about with sensible conversations between the two of you, and that may be an opportunity to offer a loan of things like coloured pencils etc which might make him realize what he needs to have at home.

Good luck.

kids can manipulate at any age, my 10 year old often kicks off with i want to move to dads.... it is heartbreaking to hear, but after ex and i split i moved back north to be nearer family and friends and both kids were given choice of where they would like to live (nt who they wanted to be with but where!) my ds didnt want to change schools but ds wanted to come with me, so as siblings they see each other at weekend, but see other parent every other. kids need to test boundries at any age, and on the occasions i have i want to be with dad, i say,well at the end of the school year if you feel like that we can discuss but atm you cant, you can ring your dad. i guess for us parent is being so far away from kids for 2 nghts. my ds fell of his bike and has 6 stitches and a mushed up face...i was devasted i wasnt there but his dad coped (really well actually) but mothers guilt as meant a sleepless night worrying about how "crap" i am not been there... parenting isnt easy, but we try out best.

keep up the good work, the kids will be fine