Issues over clash of what we think is best for child (also posted in SN)

[NotBelieving]

DD1 has Aspergers. It isn't diagnosed, but she does - I am convinced, most people who know her are, but too "mild" for dx. XH sees it as some thing I have created, always has done. Some random thing I use to pander to her quirks.

He wants to take them away camping for a weekend (the eldest two) - Fri & Sat night. This I have no issue with, but they have never been camping, so it is a new experience, a change, she will be unsettled (and probably not sleep as she is a child camping), if not at the time, but when she gets back. She has a school residential trip - her first one - on the Monday morning.

I have said no, it isn't a good idea, she won't cope with both.

He says she'll be fine, if he has a problem on the Friday then they will come home. She was "fine" spending the night at another very new place.

What he didn't have to deal with was the unsettled version of her that I got after that trip.

I don't know what to do. If I just say point blank "no", I can see him taking it out on me (and indirectly them) because he is throwing a strop.

Please can I have advice? Up until now (2 years separated) we haven't had any clashes like this.

Could you try and explain that you are happy for them to go camping but try and negotiate a different weekend with him?

Have you done anything about trying to get aspergers diagnosed?

Regardless of her 'issues', her going away on a trip on Monday is a good enough reason to say no to this weekend; how about another?

Out of curiosity, why do you think she is more likely to be unsettled by a couple of nights with her father, than she will be on a school residential trip?

I think I would say again to him that when she spent the night at a new place, it was the days after that she showed how unsettled it had made her. I would say you don't want her to go due to the trip on the Monday, which she will find doubly difficult. Unless you get a diagnosos though, I think he could argue against that, and say he has no evidence of her difficulties.

Have you approached the school with your concerns? Where I work, they are very supportive of getting help for children with mild aspergers. Or maybe start logging all her behaviour/ times when she finds things difficult and ask your doctor to refer her to a paediatrician.

In a strange way - if she did go camping, then found the trip difficult, the school might start recognising her problems, which would ultimately get her more support. But I can totally see that you don't want to put her through the stress of two new experiences at once.

Oh believe me, I am very aware that the school trip is going to be a huge thing for her and am already preparing for how she will be when she comes back.

It is very much a not doing BOTH situation.

It is some festival thing hence his desperate desire to do that specific weekend, but it isn't like it is some lifelong dream of his I am shattering - I wanted to take them for years and he refused. There are many other ones he could do.

I think I need to have a rational talk about it with him and explain it is just not that weekend. Tonight I was knocked back and didn't respond well.

The diagnosis situation - I started things rolling but dramatically fail at explaining myself in person, add in a paediatrician who appeared to know just classic autism and it fell apart.

School are great btw. They believe me, know how to deal with her quirks etc. Even with paper I doubt he will believe me. I get the feeling he is of the opinion that adhd is just undisciplined kids.

I think I would put in writing to him why you don't wish her to go, and how you think this might affect her on her trip. If he insists, then make sure the school are aware, and get them to record any stressful behaviour she shows on the trip. If she does find the trip very difficult suggest to the school they speak to both you and your ex about it. Would he listen more if the school told him rather than just you?

Sounds like you really do need support with getting a diagnosis. I would go back to the school and talk about this specific situation, including his disbelief that she has any problems. Ask if they could refer her to any outside agencies (e.g. the school nurse - who could then refer on) to start the ball rolling again.

I would log all her behaviours, and everything you need to do to help her to cope. Don't be put off by one unhelpful paediatrician.
Not coping with change, and also displaying all sorts of stress AFTER an event are classic signs of ASD.

Could you persuade him that it would be a nice chance for some one to one with the other DC? It's not always having siblings with SN, so maybe he/she would like it - and personally think taking just one child to a festival would sound ideal to me. Then your DD could have some nice quiet time at home with you in advance of her school trip.

And her dad could take her away camping some other weekend (there are plenty of festivals over the summer) if all goes well with the other DC.

He's her dad, if it is his weekend to have her then up to him to decide what to do. Slight mountains out of molehills in this case I think.