How do you handle when ex moves on so easily?

[mama2moo]

Exdp of 10 years is seeing someone else (Im damn sure of it) after only splitting a month ago. He sees the girls 3 times a week and then goes off and lives a great life while I am left looking after his children.

I am really struggling with how easy he has it and that I am going to be alone forever.

Someone come and cheer me up

Hey!
I know how this feels and 18 months on Im still finding it difficult to come to terms with.
It seems so easy for them to move on and settle into a new life! Whilst we juggle being single parents, and yes its a struggle sometimes.
Im not sure if I can cheer you up but I can say it gets easier and I try not to focus on him so much and try and focus on me and the kids.
Its early days foryou, things will get easier! Promise!

I feel like this sometimes towards my Xp of 12 years. Then I feel sorry for him - I have my integrity (he had an affair), discovered how great my friends and family are, gone back to study, and my DD and I will always have a very special bond.

It's still a very new situation for you (new for me too, but 9mo on looking back I can see how far I have got). Use the time he has the DC to do something for yourself. Try to stop (it's a LOT easier said than done) thinking about what he is doing or getting up to, and work on what you are doing and are up to.
Be happy on your own and with your DC - you have it all!

You won't be alone forever

I did some workshops with a parenting support programme a few years ago who introduced me to the concept the change curve and how, when a couple first split, they are at very different places on that curve, so they are experiencing very different emotions and it is almost impossible to relate to one another.

The person who initiates the split has travelled through most of the curve before the split. First, the denial phase (I can't be thinking about leaving her), through depression (I'm so unhappy at the idea of ending it, but something has to change), to acceptance (separation is the best thing for both of us) and finally, implementation (the relationship actually ends).

You have only just started your journey along the change curve and are still at the denial (I can't believe this is happening) stage. You will, naturally, progress along the curve, with a few blips along the way as you slip backward and forwards - but you'll get there!

Thats very intersting NotaDisneyMum
I read up on so many things to help me. I was the one who initiated the ssplit after a few years of being unhappy. Its true we go throught hose emotions first. I still find it hard as he blames me for the split but it takes two to make a marriage right? Also if he wanted to fight for our marriage he would of and instead moved on within a month, and has never looked back, we were together 10 years too. He found it hard coming home to 2 young children and their not good sleepers. I also suffered pnd so it wasnt nice him coming home to me either I suppose. We also struggled financially. We never did anything together. He never made an effort and in the end I gave up too.
Now he lives with his ne gf in a big 4 bed house. Bought a brand new car and went to egypt within the first 6 months of leaving. He is always wearing new clothes and there all brand names. Why would he look back right?
I still struggle with many emotions.

You have to handle it for the sake of your dc and your own sanity.

When it happened to me (ex left and married ow/wife within 8 months). Dd and me got more involved in local community, made friends, never turned down an invite, made sure we always had plans at the weekends, went on hols and I went back to uni.

Unfortunately, ex does not see his dd and does not support her emotionally or financially. But do you know in the end it's all his loss. Luckily enough I'm financially independent with my own house and good job, I know there are a lot of people worse off and I think the financial situation makes a big difference to how you handle things.

It's hard sometimes and you do think the cheek of him to walk off without a care in the world, but do you know, I have a dd who I cherish and great friends.

Forget about what ex is up to and live your life as best you can.

Thanks all. It is hard to think how easy they have it. On Mothers Day he wouldnt come round early to help because he was going out the night before!

Time to plan a mini break for me and the girls I think

It is difficult, I think I could never get away of the fact that he abandoned his son and get on wil life without a care in the world.

I resent to have been landed in a never ending financial worry, and left with the responsibility of rising a child single handedly. What makes the matters worse is that exh has always been very well paid, and seeing him not even paying child maintenance, really gets to me.

There's no way around it, it is very unfair.

Having said that... Now I have financial worries, before the split I felt dead.

Frankly, financial worries and all, I'm in a better position that I was before the split. I think that if I had stayed married with him, I would have lost the will to live. :)

NotaDisneyMum, can you point me in the direction of the "change curve"? I would like to read about it. THanks :)

Feel for you, I really do, very similar circs, Ive just written a massive post on relationships titled how to overcome to bitterness and anger. I find it so consuming, its making me ill and i wish i could wave a wand and make it all go away. As you say, its deeply hurtful for one to move on that quick after 10yrs together, makes it seem the relationship meant nothing and was easy to get over regardless who ended it. Its so hard seeing the exp having the perfect life whilst we are the ones doing the daily grind, putting a roof over their heads and paying for heating/essentials/school uniform and trips etc etc . I find it a particulary hard pill to swallow that they are managing to save 300quid a month for their up and coming wedding, whilst the dcs get given value pasties and flapjack for lunch for example

Dont really have any advice, but youre not alone x

It's not easy and as NotaDisneyMum says you are on a curve, of up and down. It's all such a shock when it happens, because you don't expect it.

Same as you stars, ex dosen't child maintenance towards his dd because he was saving for his wedding! He was engaged after a few weeks. It's the rejection of my dd which I can't get my head around, he just abandoned her, she was devastated.

It is hard not to become bitter and it sticks in your throat sometimes but it's best to live life as best you can. It's his loss. One day he will realise that, and you will have totally moved on in your happy new life with your dc's.

Piglet can you not get the CSA involved? I'm outside the UK and going through the court system at the moment.

There's no point in involving the CSA, he's a the top of the hierarchy of the company he works for, and owns a substantial part of it, so he can hide his real income at leisure and have the great majority of his income recorded as company expenses in the company account.

They are ass holes arent they. I am dreading the day he tells me he is getting married. For the 10 years we were together he 'never believed in marriage'.

Oh well, I am looking forward to my dd2 coming into my bed tomorrow morning saying 'Mama I love you too' because she doesnt yet know you say I love you first!! Im glad I get those moments to myself

I think men find it more difficult to be alone...women are much better at it, and men will tend to 'settle' rather than be alone...

I'm not sure they really do move on so quickly, they just appear to...

My xp of 3 years didn't look back and was with someone new within weeks...I was devastated (understatement) and angry, but, 3 years on, I hold no malice...whatever he was feeling, he had to go with that, unfortunately I never knew how he was feeling, I don't know if I will ever really get my head round that one:(