How do you do it!

[justhayley]

Hi all, firstly I hope I'm not going to offend anyone by posting in this section as technically I'm not a single parent .... Technically!

Basically I'm 34 weeks pregnant with my first, and the week after I found out I was pregnant my partner joined the Army (pre planned) & hasn't been at home.
I'm literally exhausted & feel like I'm drowning & am not coping with doing everything on my own - and that's before the baby has even arrived! I'm starting to resent him for not being there at a time when I need him the most & am wondering if there's any point even being in a relationship with someone who I see for 2 days every three/four weeks, & because of what he's doing when he does comes home he just wants to sleep so isn't any support to me anyway.

We've been together 7 1/2 years but are not married. I'm constantly getting asked why he hasn't married me & have family telling me it must be because he doesn't want to be with me long term, that he can't really love me etc etc.

Iv got so much pressure at work right now - I manage a small private business and last week the owner sacked one of my girls & because of it her friend walked out - leaving just me working there. He also dropped my wages as the company Is in financial trouble & told me he won't be giving me maternity pay.
I care about the business so much - i worked there before this new dick head bought it, if I walk out or even go on maternity the business will not be able to open. I no my boss is saying I can't have maternity pay so I don't have maternity leave & keep working 12 hours a day 6 days a week - not at all realistic when the baby comes!

I was brought up by a single mum & never really understood how hard it must have been for her.

Although technically I have a partner day to day I'm alone & am not coping very well, & right now I'm only preparing for a baby - I'm well aware it's going to get harder!

How do you guys manage being single parents?
Is there ever a time your not feeling emotionally & physically drained & totally overwhelmed?
I can't imagine managing a baby & job on my own and being even a bit happy :(

My baby is very much wanted by the way I can't wait to hold him, but I'm so frightened, and am not sure if I'm strong enough to cope.

Please lie & tell me its not that bad doing it virtually alone.

Thank you
Hayley xxx

i really feel for you it is hard but it dose get eaiser. not too sure how much i can help but just a few bit of advise . firstly your boss has to pay you materity pay if you work there for over a year and if not then the gov will pay 120 a week ruffly, but defo look on the direct.gov website good info their. but he cant fire you or u can sue and u are untilled to if you want take 12 month off 10 are paid other unfortantly are not.

there are some upsides in doing it alone, like that are you get to make all the desion your self and be in control. and when you do have those horrible hard days just think why it worth it and when your baby born focus on all the posstive fun moment through out the day and try and forget the not so gr8 times.. and if that fail keep a stock of wine in the fridge and just think tomorrow is a new day.

good luck xx

On my own, have 6..it's hard work but you will find it gradually gets easier. Actually once you have your lovely DC you will start to network with other mums and you will be able to support one-another.

Is there a good army wives group near you..I presume you are not in army accom? They are also a source of excellent moral, emotional and physical support...especially with the particular adjustments of having a relationship with a man in uniform.

Is there ever a time your not feeling emotionally & physically drained & totally overwhelmed?

No :(

...yes!!!!...out in the sun walking away from the house full of dirty clothes, dishes etc.
...yes!!!!...when you get a lovely hug from a child who doesn't want anything...just you....
...yes!!!...when you look at your sleeping baby and feel the love like a flood.....

and then there's the other times.....stress, worry, work.....but it's still worth it!!!!!

yes :) every time your beautiful little one does something new and exciting. Says a new word or smiles for the first time... or hugs you back, or laughs like a drain because you have your hair wrapped in a towel... anything and nothing. Just the magical moments that make everything worth it.

In the short term (ie, while heavily pregnant and for the first 3months+) now that you're preparing for baby, work out a realistic budget for everything you need. Prune it, prune it again, commit to it... and then cheer because you managed to squeeze £20 a week off your phone bill/groceries/you cancelled the sky package and you can [gasp!] get someone to help with the cleaning!! Cue immediate relief, lowering of anxiety levels etc. (or is it just me who would rather eat value everything so that someone will help me bleach my loo without my toddler trying to take a swig from the container while I'm busy? lol)

I am a single parent of 3 children, 12, 7 and 2 and I work part time, once you get a routine you will be fine.

I mean when I had no kids I was so lazy, my boyfriend at the time used to make my tea, I worked full time but other than that I did nothing, the dishes used to pile up!! Now I go mad if there are more than 2 dishes!! I couldnt imagine not being the way I am now, going back to having no responsibilites....I think when you need to cope, you just do, you find a way, everyones way is different but you will find a way.

It is hard sometimes but very very rewarding too, to know that you are doing it all on your own, virtually alone anyway, for you, but in alot of ways like you say you are alone.

Good luck xxx

my youngest daughter this morning woke up at 5am....I pretended to be asleep, she sleeps in my room, but she knows I'm pretending now.....she pulled my eyelids open and give me a massive kiss with her tongue half in my mouth and said "love you mummy", and i felt like the luckiest person alive!

It's really OK, honestly.

The best advice I was given when I first had DS and was on my own, was to make sure I went out every day. So I joined all the baby groups around, baby massage, walking groups, everything. And I made loads of great friends, all with new babies. And I had some adult company every day, so I never got lonely. And to be honest, the vast majority of the mums I've met moan that their husbands don't help with the kids anyway! At least when you're on your own you know you'll be doing everything yourself, so you don't have high hopes of someone who then disappoints you!

So, I would say you'll be fine, as long as you make an effort to meet people and get out and about. If you sit at home on your own you'll get lonely and depressed.

^ what everyone else said^

But your employer can't just say he 's not paying you maternity pay & if he sacks you in anyway its constructive dismissal. You do NOT have to work 12 hr days, that's unhealthy for you & the baby, it is your bosses role to find new staff not yours to cover their hours.

Resenting your Dp being deployed is understandable but something you have to learn to accept as a "wife of". When he comes back he WILL be shattered & sometimes they are disorientated to a certain extent so aren't a lot of use for a while while they re-adjust. Its tempting as soon as they hit the doorstep to offload on them & expect them to take a share of the chores/responsibility and of course with a newborn you will need that support. You will have to get used to doing your own thing & then when he's home enjoy the extra pair of hands. Why do you only see him 2/3 days in 3/4 weeks? That sounds like a part time BF not a partner? He needs to step up to the plate a bit more if he's going ot be a Dad, is he looking forward to it?

Get a hold of your local community/village newsletter & see whats on around you. Even if its something you wouldn't usually go to (church coffee morning, book club) try it, its amazing how you can make new friends and then if you don't feel so isolated you won't feel so overwhelmed.

Somebody asked me yesterday 'PricklePants, how do you manage being a single mum?' and my answer is 'I just get on with it' and that my advice in this situation. It doesn't make it easy but feelings of resentment are not healthy for you or your dc are they? Get out to local events, play groups, free sessions at libraries etc, in fact my best friend is a mum who I met at a free session as she had no mum friends and felt isolated. We meet up once or twice a week and have done for 2 years now!
You will be entitled to a minimum of SMP for maternity leave, your employer pays you this but it is from the state pot so to speak so he cannot refuse it whether he wants to or not.
You say you can't imagine being happy having a baby and a job on your own but I have got exactly that (well dd is now nearly 3 but been an l.p since 09, ex has minimal contact with dd through his own choice) and its hard work but generally I'm happy.
Your partner will have to step up, if you do split up consider how you would sort contact out if he isn't around much.

What alldirection said. I'm always tired and TBH it doesn't get easier as I never get a break.

But we're alive, fed, housed, I work PT and we have treats so it could be worse.

There are lots of different things going on here - you're in late pregnancy, in a stressful work situation, and in a difficult situation relationship-wise. All different, but combined I am sure you're exhausted. Focus on sorting out the work side of things, and not getting too stressed over the next few weeks. The relationship can wait.

On the work side of things he will be reimbursed (actually at a rate slightly more than 100%) by the government for your SMP, so provided he (you) fill in the forms, it will be ok. If not, get some good legal advice - try the CAB or ACAS. Sounds like you have him over a barrel - if you go, the business shuts down. He can't really afford to mess you around.

Be kind to yourself. Relax, have a warm bath, some chocolate, some early nights. You will be ok. You will be more than ok.

I think your situation is a bit different to a LP - not better, not worse. In theory you should have some emotional support, which a LP doesn't have. Presumably at some point your partner will come back from wherever he is, and will be around a bit more, for a while at least, and is available on phone/email.

But if you decide to, or are forced to, go it alone, you'll be ok. It's hard, and lonely and stressful. And I think that it must be even harder with a tiny baby, because I find babies really hard work. But it's unbelievably rewarding when you look back and realise that you are holding it together and raising a beautiful, smart, happy child all by yourself. When my children hold my face and stare into my eyes and say "Mummy, I love you more than anything in the world" it's the most amazing feeling.