well I have court hearing date....

[Happylander]

Ex requested every other weekend when he first walked out. I of course said yes, actually I said 'is that all you want?' Anyway he fails to turn up and has never stuck to every other weekend as he is too busy getting pissed with OW. He then put in contact order to get what I had already agreed to because I wanted DS to carrying on going to his activities in particular swimming as the sea is at the end of my road and I want him to learn to swim plus it is not forever as once he can swim that's it. I backed down on the football though but he still went ahead and paid the £200 for contact order.

Anyway he sent me his next lots of dates up until October a couple of days ago and they aren't every other weekend either as he has put that on some of his weekends he can't have him. No explanation just 'not having him you are'. Now am I the only one to think that if he is taking me to court for every other weekend which I have already agreed to, but he doesn't stick to, that he is going to look a plonker in court??

Will the judge look at his emails to me where it shows he doesn't want him for some of his weekends and that when I have offered alternatives so DS still gets to see him that he has turned them down saying he has plans?

What can I expect in court?

Don't expect too much from the first visit. It will be a directions hearing so it won't be all court room drama and shoving emails under the Judge's nose.

It'll probably be a bit of an anti-climax, lots of waiting around. You may be spoken to by a duty Cafcass Officer to see if an agreement can be reached. If you both agree you want every other weekend then you could just sign a consent order.

In all honesty, I don't think a judge will order that swimming lessons are more important than time with Dad. And the altered weekends - how many are we talking? Every other one?

The swimming is in the morning and only 30 mins personally I think trying to prevent my DS from drowning is kinda important especially as I have had to try and resuscitate kids that have drowned from not being able to swim. Plus it issn't forever and only until he learns to swim plus he should move to a different group soon which is even earlier on the Saturday. He also moaned constantly and was disgusted his first wife never took his daughter to swimming lessons?!?! He is also now saying that he will take DS to swimming so even more confused.

He just says he is not going to have him some of his weekends, no explanation, and so there are 4 or 5 weekends he isn't having him and not asked for other weekends up until the end of September. I offered other weekends and he said no he has plans.

So basically he has paid £200 quid to get what he is getting anyway plus he has to drive 250 mile round trip to just get a piece of paper to say that it is every other weekend. What a waste of everyone's time. He isn't even going to stick to the contact order anyway. I am having to take the day off work and lose a days annual leave. Plus I think he is asking for 2 weeks at summer but he is actually only having him for 5 days as his daughter doesn't want DS there when she comes to see him. He hasn't even asked to have him during his easter leave at all.

I know you think swimming lessons are important. I'm just trying to give you a bit of info based on my experience of family court. You don't have to justify to me or any other random stranger on the internet - but even though you think it is a waste of money, your ex is takiong you to court (and in fairness so would I if my ex threatened my access to my child, even once, to try and make me do what he wanted) and you would do well to consider how to get the best out of this situation for your DS. If it were me, I'd go in saying that I was quite happy to consent to every other weekend and ask if DS could still go to his swimming lessons for a couple of months until he has grasped the basics. I wouldn't go in being all drama-queeny about how you are trying to save your son from drowning and how your ex doesn't want to see him anyway, because behaving that way just leads to more conflict, more court appearances, and a worse deal for DS.

But that's just advice from someone who has been there. Feel free to ignore.

My DS has been going to swimming lessons for the past 2 years so something that he was already doing before Ex decided to walk out on me for OW. I have no problem with him seeing DS but he only wants him every other weekend but fails to turn up. Why would you think I would be all drama queen in a court? I mearly pointed out on here why I think it is important that my DS carrying on doing something that a) he loves b) is only for 30 mins c) could potentially save his life.

Perhaps I'll leave it up to the court, then, to point out that a) if he hasn't learned to swim in two years of lessons then they aren't as temporary as you are trying to make out b) are only for 30 minutes in Dad's available time and prevent him from going to Dad's for a weekend as they tie him to your town and away from OW, what a coincidence, and c) are not as important as a relationship with his Dad, no matter how much you dramatise the whole 'saving his life' thing.

And above all that, I'm going to guess the poor little soul loves his Dad. "Why would I think you are going to be a drama queen in court?" Because you are being one here. There is f all in your post about DS's relationship with his dad or trying to come up with something that will work in the interests of your DS and plenty about how his Dad is a plonker and how it is all his fault and his daughter (what you want him to ignore one child in favour of another?) and you losing a day's pay...

FFS get help, get counselling, get over the fact he left for an OW. Just don't make the relationship between them this difficult.

Actually as he is only 2 and became terrified of the water after he was taken swimming my his Great Nan who was terrified of the water it has taken me over a year to get him to the stage where he is happy in the water again. As I have said it is for 30 mins only on a Saturday morning and there is nothing stopping him from taking him to his Army Barracks after that. I am not stopping him I am asking he takes him swimming. If he doesn't want to then he can collect him after it but as it is an activity he is actually on the pool with him and there are plenty of Dad's out there who take their kids swimming I really don't think it is much to ask. It is 30 mins and does not affect his relationship with his dad. Are you trying to say that a parent taking their child swimming is detrimental to having a decent relationship with them??? Please say I will tell my friends and my brother that they must stop as it is affecting their relationship with their kids. Personally I think the question should why doesn't he want to do something that he was more than happy to do before. We used to take it turns before now. The poor little soul does love his Dad but is also a bit confused by him not being here and so I do think that introducing his OW to him so very soon is not good for his emotional welfare and I think you will find there are many many experts that would agree to that.

Oh and I am not the one that doesn't turn up for my DS because I want to get pissed with OW. I am not the one that didn't see him over christmas because he wanted to go on holiday with her rather than spend any of his annual leave with him. I am not the one that has 2 weeks annual leave in April but isn't spending any time with DS. I am not the one that is going 5-6 weeks without seeing him as he can't make his weekends as he wants to do things with OW that means he doesn't want DS around. I am not the one that has had the opportunity to have DS for 2 weeks of his 3 week summer leave but has only chosen to have DS for 5 days. I have no idea why you think that I am the bad person here at all balia and trying to prevent him seeing DS.

Oh and I couldn't give a toss that he has left me for her as she is welcome to him. I no longer feel anything for the man but I do want him to be a decent father to our DS. I am asking for 30 mins of his time spent with his DS teaching him something until he goes up into the next stage and hopefully onto a class with different timings. 30 mins not a lot to ask now is it and something most parents gladly do and something he wanted him to do and it isn't forever but children do take their time learning to swim.

thing is a judge will just look and say "why cant the child go swim lessons another day?"

the swim lessons wont be taken into account by a judge.

so best not to focus on that... it jsut makes you look petty which i what balia may be saying...

rathe point out the times and dates he hasnt come when he said he would ie that he is inconsistent and this is confusing for child. and dont mention OW she is irrelevant from court perspetive.

If you want to fight this, you need to lose the details about swimming and the OW as these are completely irrelevant. You need to present the bigger picture, concentrating on the necessity of routine in your DS's life and why reliability of contact is so important.

Point out (with a record of dates) all the times you have cancelled plans to accommodate contact only for your X to fail to turn up. Give a list of all the times he has changed contact dates and with what sort of notice. Then ask if your DS is supposed to give up all recreational activities because in order to abide by a completely flexible contact arrangement, he will have to. Say you have no problem with curtailing activities to accommodate contact as you believe in the importance of it, but that a reliable pattern of contact which would benefit your DS would be just that - reliable, and so allow for other activities to be fitted around it.

Be prepared to be flexible and reasonable about this - and provide numerous examples where you have been. Point out that you agreed a a schedule and changed your own plans in order to avoid coming to court because you didn't want to inflame things, waste the court's time and wanted to resolve things as quickly as possible in your son's best interests. Then say it was your X who refused to that and will accept nothing less than a schedule that he can change at will.

Getting bogged down in the minutiae of why swimming lessons are important will backfire on you though, as will mentioning the OW. You don't need to mention why your X wants to constantly change contact - he will be asked why so much flexibility is necessary.

TBH, he's on a bit of a hiding to nothing, since a court-ordered pattern of contact will be far less flexible than what he's proposing.

I have just been called by the swim school and a place has come up on a different day. I have been on the waiting list since ex started to get difficult but they did not think a place would come up for at least another 6 months but someone has moved away so that is now changed. It is at a time that is not very good for either me or DS but why does that matter as it seems only what Ex wants is considered important I mean god forbid he put himself out and spend any time teaching him something for 30 mins!

So basically he has forced me to swap or stop what DS loves doing. He only wants him every other weekend but can't be arsed to stick to it. So he walks out on me but DSis the one that has to go without, leaves me financially struggling and now he is trying to force me into trying to live off £50 a month to do drop offs and pick ups. Personally I find it a bit unfair and I think I am allowed to get angry about it. I thought this was supposed to be a site where you could rant so you didn't do it in RL.

Happylander - it's fine to be pissed off. And totally understandable. From a female POV I get you completely. It's outrageous that he can duck his financial obligations, dump all the responsibility on you, play fast and loose with contact arrangements and then drag you to court for being unfair.

Unfortunately, the courts don't give a rat's arse about fairness for the parents. They are only concerned about the child's best interests. That's why you need to present your X's behaviour in a way that shows how damaging it is to your DS's stability and routine, rather than how unfair it is on you.

He is now saying that if I don't drive then he will only see DS every other Sunday......I am now past caring really, I can't afford do to that drive and I am not the one that walked out of the family home.