AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

[Happylander]

I have asked Ex to have at least 6 months of seeing him without OW so DS can get used to the idea of having separated parents. It states 2 years in the 'separated parents guide' but I figured that might be a bit much and thought 6 months more appropriate.

So this is what I get 'well I won't have him overnight then as I need to see OW at weekend too so I will have him every Sunday' he was having him every other weekend, well I was trying to get him to actually turn up and have him every other weekend but he consistently fails to turn up due to nights out with OW. Anyway I say okay I then get 'well it won't be every Sunday as I can't do every Sunday and can't afford the petrol' He can however, afford to drive to see OW and also have weekends away and lots of nights out with her?!?!?!

Apparently he is going to send me an email with the Sundays he can have him. All I have to say is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! and bang my head repeatedly on the wall!

Oh have also had that I need to get used to OW as she isn't going away. I could not give a shit and she is welcome to the selfish git. They are in love and going to be together forever. My response to that shite was 'LOL you were in love with me and was telling me that until the day you left and I had a house and a child with you I was also you soul mate according to you. Plus you told your first wife you were in love with her and had a child with her but then walked out on her before I met you. So forgive me for not giving a toss and not believing a word you say. I only care about our son and it is too soon to meet her'

Sorry just wanted to rant while I cook the dinner. It is a nice thought to realise I don't give a toss about him and to realise my life is way better without him. I am getting the hang of this single parent malarky and quite enjoying it now

HUGS - I really feel your frustration, it sucks enormously. I too am more likely to have to chase XH to keep up contact due to OW issues. He thinks she's 'the one' too... um, so what was our wedding about then? and in the same breath he says 'I never wanted this to happen, it was just chemistry'.

Chocoraisin I have followed your thread and you have kept your dignity far better than I have so well done.

Ex has just sent me an email with the dates he wants DS. It has weekends on it even though he said he only wants him Sundays and then it is all over the place. No consistency to it. If only we could say no sorry you have to have DS this weekend as I need to go and get pissed or have a weekend away. It seems that he can pick and choose around his social life which is very frustrating and not fair on DS. Thing is he is writing everything down to show DS when he is older about how I am stopping him and to turn DS against me when he is older does he not realise that DS will be able to see that it is him that doesn't show up regularly and not me stopping him. I have kept a log of when he has failed to turn up to to show the court. I have no intention of showing DS as I don't think it is fair or kind to do that.

I can't wait for court to see his emails saying when he can and cannot have DS. He is requesting every other weekend to the courts which I have agreed but he is not even turning up and requesting less than that in emails to me.

I think men are truly blinded to their own lies and behaviour. I had a friend come round today and she said how much better I seemed and how much happier and it is true.

This is only my gut feeling so maybe I'll be shot down in flames, but I think the issue of not being regular and consistently failing to turn up due to nights out is far bigger issue than how soon the OW is introduced. If the child can't be 100% sure that they can rely on their parent to be there for them at the correct time. If there isn't that knowlege of 100% trust between parent and their child then the entire parent child relationship is just built on quick sand. As you say "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I completely agree nerdy. Still, the OW does just put the cherry on the cake when you're feeling fed up and taken for granted, so I sympathise... good luck at court. I agree about the blind to their own behaviour issue... I'm glad you're doing better happy, keep it in the day and you'll be alright x

Sorry to resurrect an old thread, but what is the "separated parents guide" and would anyone recommend it? How do I get hold of it? Thanks

www.amazon.co.uk/Putting-Children-First-Handbook-Separated/dp/0749928042/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337004996&sr=1-1

not sure it gives a set time tho

surely depends on cricumstance anyway.

I would ignore it in an epic fashion if it really does () advise 2 years. what a load of poppycock.

Sure immediate isn't great. And there are some horrid situations on the board at the moment (choco & bloo) But the scenario of the irregular contact, not to mention all the tension around the situation is far more damaging.

I can't see the harm to the child to be honest. And I speak as a women whose DH cheated when DD was a year old and who had a string of around 15 women, all of whom DD met, until he settled with one (who is divine) - DD is fine. She only spent every other weekend with him. She had the stability of me all the rest of the time and she knew her dad loved her - enough to have her around and not worry about what his current partner might have preferred i.e. him to herself, mostly.

It's all in how you handle these things - not what you might be able to manipulate someone else in to beleiving is right. If my DD had waited two years to meet her stepmother she would have had a hell of a lot of boring weekends with Dad during that time and missed out on an awful lot of fun, warmth, advice (SM is 10 years older than me and trumps a lot of my wisdom ) and frankly, love; that she wouldn't have had from just Dad.

I think the bottom line is that no matter how much expert advice is out there, you can't control how the other parent "parents" - and if you involve mediators and court in an effort to try, you tend to end up appearing bitter & resentful, rather than a caring mum

Unless DC's are at risk or in danger, then they have a right to spend time with both parents in the manner of that parents choosing. It may be the total polar opposite of everything you believe as a parent, but I try to remember the phrase used by a solicitor I spoke to once what makes you right, and him wrong?

Short notice changes, erratic contact and no-shows are a totally different issue - but even with a contact order, there is no way of enforcing it, if the NRP isn't committed to their DC's, then they will continue to let them down and disappoint them

You have my sympathy there, but as a resident parent you kind of lose the right to pick weekends you want to be child free and go out, certainly if you live in hope of an unreliable ex stepping up to the mark. I only wish mine could give me an email with a list of dates, in his mind he sees DS 'every other weekend' but in actual fact he sees him one or two Saturdays a month for a few hours (between 3 and 9 hours at a time), dates and times arranged a couple of days before.

I am learning not expect anything from him and to make my own plans for me and DS. If I want to go out with friends, I arrange for someone else to have DS and if ex gets in touch at short notice and we have made plans, he misses out. DS has a diary which he can write in things we have planned so he can, if he wants to, make an arrangement with his father, not that his father is likely to be able to tell him in advance.

There is no fixed wrong and right time to introduce a partner, it's not the timing that's as important as the manner in which they are introduced and a relationship built up.

I was not getting at when a new partner is introduced but more allowing a child to come to terms with the fact their parents aren't together any more before being introduced to OW and trying to do that less than 2 months after he walked out, while my DS was still expecting Ex to be coming home is wrong. It is damn disrespectful to your child to not allow them that time to adjust. I expect he will get introduced to a variety of women in his life however, it won't be just after his parents have separated as that has already happened and so therefore is used to it.

I don't stop him from seeing DS he just doesn't turn up. I want him to have a relationship with DS. I want him to see DS more. HE took me to court and I tried everything to stop that but he still carried on and neither the SW or my Barrister could understand why he had done it and pretty much guessed it was out of spite and to try and make out to his friends and family I was the evil one stopping him and not that it was him preferring weekends/nights out with OW. As I told them the court order is a waste of time as he won't stick to it and already, despite it having fixed dates up until September that he dictated, he is already saying he can't do them now. He looked a twat anyway as I was offering more contact than he wanted and could prove he has never turned up every other weekend. I am deeply offended by your remarks about coming across as an uncaring mother as I did not want it to go to court it was him and in the process I have had to find £700 because he chose to go to court for something he was already getting.

My gripe concerning weekends is that he just tells me he isn't having DS so I have to change plans. I have asked him to show me the same courtesy when I have things to go to but he fails every time. I have plenty of people who will have DS but I do feel that his father should take on some of the responsibility of being a parent as this makes for a more amicable relationship and therefore better for children. I know this isn't going to happen with Ex but that doesn't mean I can't moan about it.