4.5yr old becomes aggressive after seeing his father.

[SingleNow]

Basically as title says.

He becomes angry and aggressive, won't eat or go to bed, shouts at me all the time, throws things and is generally uncooperative.

We split a year ago but he has only recently moved out so this is new for the DC.

Any advice welcome.

his behaviour is communication - you might have split a year ago but to him its totally new and has come as a shock.

and maybe he hasnt had a chance to talk about it?

like you said - it is new for DS.

talk to him tell him which behaviour is unacceptbale but give him chance to talk. talk about what is happening . sit on loor with him wih his teddies/toys and let him take lead and role play. ask him to draw picture sof his family adn his home(s). take his lead and answer his questions simply.

read a book wih him eg babette cole two of everything let him talk.

www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Everything-Babette-Cole/dp/0099220628 and see the other sugested books on that page

Thanks will order that book.

The problem with that is he only see's him at mine as he has not got suitable accomadation to take him to.

I will also try the other things you suggested.

Thanks.

too confusing for child. dad is here; dad is not here.

why did you spli? abuse or just fallen out?

... and don't discard the very likely possibility that your child is just overtired after a long day out with his dad.

Sometimes, in the early days, we can read too much in our children reactions. ie. During the first week of the split, my little monkey made a fuss about not being able to be at his dad's all the time, he didn't want to come with me after school, etc etc.

After a week of feeling enormously guilty, and wondering if exH should have taken over as a resident parent as my child was obviously not finding it easdy to live with me... DS told me that if his new bike was stored at my house, he would be happy to stay with me all the time. (little bugger)

We split after many years of abuse.

He never goes to his house only sees him after school to go for a snack or to the shop. He then comes Back here.

Tonight I had him meet me downstairs where I collected ds and it has been a lot calmer tonight. I think I am going to stick with that idea for a while and see how it goes. Hopefully it's just a passing thing and it won't last too long.

Probably that's a good plan, sometimes if they come into the house then the child assume they are here for a while and staying and things get a bit confusing for the child, especially if they start thinking they are staying for longer.
My new partner is very involved with the care of his child, and on drop off he often stayed to put him to bed. I think this sounded a good idea at the beginning but it was too confusing for the child, who instead of a quick kiss at the door, started to expect and demand for dad to bathe him and put him to bed. All very nice, but not particularly practical once mum's new partner moved in!

There is a very good book that makes a fantastic read in the first days after one of the parents moves out. It is called Putting Children First (www.amazon.co.uk/Putting-Children-First-Handbook-Separated/dp/0749928042), and it is great at this particular time because it can help to set positive patterns and behaviours that could help you to co-parent separately, in effective ways, for years to come.

you need clear boundaries.

it is not your fault your ex has no place to take DS. he i responsible for that...
so make it those walks to shop etc but no longer hanging around in your home. bye by at the door.

you could tell ds that later when ex has his own place he will be able to spend time there

Highly recommend that book too piglet it has helped me. Shame Ex won't read it LOL.

I would also say to keep him at the door as it can be confusing. I did let Ex in to bath and put DS to bed once but felt that this hasn't helped him adjust to us being separated parents as it is not setting a clear message about the fact your not together any more.

Hope things get easier for you OP