would you/how would you respond to this text?

[IAmBooyhoo]

on sunday my exp sent me this message "well big ears, how's the kids?" it is the first contact we have had in 3 weeks (he called the dcs for a few minutes) and before that his calls are never more often then every few months. we dont have a jokey relationship, we hardly speak at all after i discovered he had deliberatley damaged my condom supply. when he is around he usually just texts asking if the dcs are available for him to come and get them. we dont speak at the door unless to let the other know something relating to the dcs or arrange times that he will drop them back at. the 'big ears' things comes from the fact that when we dated he knew i was self concsious about my ears, he would tease me about it then. but he has never done it since (18 months since we split) i didn't reply to the message on sunday. i felt it was really arrogant of him to do that. i dont want him to think it's ok to call me names and that i will just respond anyway. i'm not with him anymore so i dont have to take it do i? i figured he would text back later that day repeateing his enquiry about the dcs. well he has only texted today saying "hey, i get back to you when you text me" which is a joke because he never replies to my texts unless it involves him getting something out of it, i.e if i offer to collect the dcs rather than him having to come in with them he will reply as it saves him any effort but any other messages i send him get ignored. so would you reply to this message today or just let him work out that he needs to drop the name calling in order to get a response or if you would reply, what would you say to get the point accross that name calling (his attitude TBH) wont be tolerated?

sorry, my point about him not texting til today was that he clearly wasn't that keen to find out how the dcs are as he left it 2 days. tbh i think if he really wanted to know he would call.

I think you are probably reading a bit too much into the intentions of the text and it's follow up. And I'd probably answer it, as it's never a bother to let my ex know how his son is, should he ask.

really? our whole relationship he got away with putting me down, belittling me, making me feel unnattractive, stupid etc. i'm sorry but i can't let him do that to me anymore. i was away from that. would you accept anyone else in any other scenario calling you a name that they knew hit a nerve as a way to get your attention before asking you something? why, just because he is the father of my chidlren is it acceptable for him to do this and i just have to mutter under my breath and tolerate it?

I'ld completely ignore it, sounds like he is being a toddler looking for attention from you which he'll get if you "bite" and rise to the big ears comment. Just reply and say "kids are fine" (or not fine, or however the kids are)

that'll really annoy him!

What an arse. Ignore the follow up text also for a couple of days and thenn just respond "kids are fine."

ok, i'll just text him tomorrow saying they're fine. thank you. i know this probably seems like a massive over reaction but when it's heppening to you it doesn't seem so petty. i could just roll my eyes and let him call me names but why should i? i dont want my dcs learning that it's ok to call mum names and she'll jsut take it, or for their future partners.

And if you really wanted to be petty, you could add something about a samll cock!

Meaning small of course

you know my first thought was to respond saying "hey small cock the kids are fine".

but that implies i'm going along with the name calling when i am not at all. i dont want to be petty. i just want him to realise he can't treat me how he used to.

Agree with Shreddedmum. He will probably be loving it if he thinks he has got to you. You aren't over reacting but it will annoy him if he thinks he doesn't have the power to upset you (even if he actually has - hope that makes sense).

no I don't think you are overreacting, he sounds like he is deliberately trying to push your buttons and he knows how to get to you. He's being a shit. Just don't reward him with attention.

Perhaps I haven't understood then, I didn't realise that the namecalling was entirely offensive. I get "cheers big ears" a lot in an affectionate, teasing way.

If he know it's taken offensively, then I would entirely ignore the text and all related to it, if he wants to ask a question he can do it without being horrible. If he raises it face to face, just breezily say you don't reply to namecalling, he'll get a better result if he tries to be civil.

No tit for tat, don't show him you're offended, just be calm and firm, treat him like a toddler if that's how he's acting.

I must admit my FIRST thought before ignore ignore ignore was "fine mr tiny cock" too

yes cheers big ears is one i hear locally but it isn't one he uses. the big ears comment is one he used to call me when we were together. he would say things to ds like "has your ma put her big ears away yet" but do it when i was standing there so it was for my benefit. he had a way of tapping into insecurities and keeping me insecure about them if that makes sense?

OK, these are my thoughts. Never underestimate how bad a medum text is for communication, you're trying to dissern the nature of the message where other clues such as the tone of voice or visual clues such as face shape just arn't there, but it's so easy to place your own emotional content on text, I think we all do it. Secondly, the more business and formal the communication an the less emotion the better. Therefore, I would defuse the emotional nature of the communication for the moment and simply reply with the requested information in the most formal and business way possible.

If the issue of the text messages are becoming too informal or there is a possibility of emotional content then try to use your jugement when this becomes an issue, and how to resolve this again in a formal and business way. Hence a warning such as "Lets keep communication formal between us and focus on the children" rather than "You must stop doing this to me."

Again that's just my thoughts I've had my share of heated texting in my time.

I can see what whiteandnerdy is saying about keeping lines of communication open and perhaps 'let's keep communication formal...' is a good (mature?) response.

However, what on earth is the value of keeping a line of communication open if it's being used in such a nasty way? It's obviously that it was a little dig which on its own maybe doesn't count for much, but within the context of their history and OP's feelings is really unnecessary. Possibly he's testing where his boundaries are (like a flipping toddler!) to see what he can get away with, so I think texting back at all would be a dangerous precident to set. My vote (not that it's a competition!!!) is firmly in the don't text him back AT ALL if he can't ask you a question in a civil manner. Good luck deciding!!

thank you for responses. they are all weighing equally on the what to do scales if i'm honest so i am not going to make a decision today. i will sleep on it and see how i feel in the morning.

121 i think you have hit the nail on the head with the "he's testing hsi boundaries" comment. it feels very much as if he is trying to reinstate that sort of 'banter' as he would call it. banter and amusing it may be to him but a line crossed is what it feels like to me. i spent my entire relationship with him and a long time after (his antics after our break up are well documented on MN) feeling/knowing that there was no respect from him for me as a person, a partner or the person who was raising his children. i still dont feel as if there is any respect but i am at a point now where i put the resonsibility for that firmly at his door and wont 'allow' him to make me feel like he used to. i feel like responding to his message would have been a step backwards for me. well responding to it immediately would have been anyway. jury is still out on whether i will reply at all. i think i will but want to sleep on it.

Difficult one - sounds like he's just trying to get a rise out of you. He's obviously not over your break up - why else would he bother?
I think I'd completely ignore the name calling and go with "the kids are fine" too. If he does it again, maybe try something like "I never liked the name calling when we were together and don't appreciate it now. Let's keep texts to do with the kids." And if he did it again after that, just keep ignoring it. Hopefully he'd get bored and give up if you don't respond.

well i slept on it and decided to text him with "the boys are fine". so it's done now. hopefully he will just keep it strictly business next time.