Another "how do you do it?" question

[JayARC]

Hello, I don't know if I should be posting here or mental health - may try both! I am a single mum to a 7 year old. Always been on our own. I've had lots of health problems, depression and more. However I have just started a part time job, 16 hours a week, in a shop. It is OK.

What I want to know is how things will ever change. I can't drive and don't see how I'll be able to afford to learn and/or run a car. I don't know what I want to do for a living, but I know if I am on minimum wage forever I won't handle it - it's been bad enough on benefits. I have no idea how I will deal with childcare in the holidays. Been to see a childminder, but we will see. Basically I am terrified about the future. Utterly and utterly terrified. And I have trouble getting through the days without worry and massive panic ranging from what to do with my daughter after school to not having a pension to dying alone. I realise this sounds bonkers and it is. I am about to be 34. You're a long time dead and all that. But I feel like I am just getting through every day. I realise I may be, am depressed, but don't think pills will help - this is real. I do have professionals I can talk to, but they basically see why I am unhappy - I have lots of things TO be worried about - however I realise that it is not normal to be this panicky anxious and sad.

How do people move from shop assistant on borderline living off tax credits, to, er, not? I just don't understand. I am relatively bright, according to people, but I just don't understand. With a child, how people do it.

Forgive this post, I've read so many and this is inadequate and repetitive. Sorry.

Well done on the job, take each day as it comes. It took me a long time to figure out the career I wanted and then a bit longer to actually get there! It will come to you, keep looking. I am 41 and have been in my job just over 2 years, I absolutely love it, just love it. I trained as a volunteer and loved it so wanted to move to paid work in this field. When I split up, I was not working, had a mortgage and small child and needed to find a job, any job, ASAP to pay the bills so had to go back to my old career. I was lucky to get a great job but it wasn't what I wanted to do long term so I kept looking until a job came up that I wanted to do, didn't get that or the next one, struck it lucky 3rd time and finally changed career.

I spent the last two years of my marriage living off the smell of money and had become used to frugal ways so when I was earning again, I was determined not to blow it all. I paid off lots more of my mortgage when I was in my last job, cleared off credit card and overdraft and tried to manage my money as if it wouldn't last.

I work full time. I use a Holiday Club/After School Club for childcare. It's not brilliant, in some ways I'd prefer a child minder but hey, DS likes it and it's cheap as chips. I am lucky because it's pay as you go, I can chose how much or how little of the holiday time I need childcare for and change my needs at short notice without charge.

I put some money aside for my pension. Is it enough? No idea. I have decided to bring my DS up to expect to care for me in my old age, we always talk about it, I hope it will seem like a normal expectation for him and not shock him when I'm older. I have promised him childcare when he has children and to leave him the house in return for him looking after me when I can't look after myself. I've no idea if this will work, I'll let you know how it's going in 50 years time.

Do you need to drive? I have a licence but no car. Owning and running a car was just too expensive, I use public transport or cycle everywhere. DS goes on the back of my bike or on his own, we even used a tow bar for a bit.

Hi JayARC - I'm in a similar situation to you. Single parent for a long time - stuck in a low paid job.

I get what you're saying about being depressed because you have lots of good reasons to be depressed but, as you know yourself, it's not normal to be terrified of the future. Maybe you should get some help on that score.

I'm trying to get into a better paid job but finding it really hard too. There's so many people chasing every job - even the really crappy jobs! I just keep looking, try not to give up hope and pray I get lucky!

Good luck with your job hunt. Look into training towards a job you'd really like - you local adult college might have some useful courses. You are only 34 - still young. In a few years your daughter will be at secondary school and you won't need childcare. Even with all the worry you have, try to enjoy the time you have with your DD because it goes so quickly!

Thank you both for your replies. Thank you. In terms of getting help, I have, and have decided for the time being not to go on antidepressants. There is some conflict about which doctor I'm going to be under - I shan't bore further with details here.

I feel a bit better today - yesterday was awful because it dawned on me the reality of my daughter's father potentially getting access (taking me to court next month).

Just being dim - why won't I need childcare when she's at secondary school?

Courses, yes. What in? That's always been the problem. Transpires I like working with people; could never go back to admin, and I don't think office work at all. I started a pilot at a hospital which has gone really well, and I think definitely is going to lead to the real thing happening, but it's not paid. And the NHS, especially mental health services, haven't got the cash to pay me or anyone else higher up in line. Guess I should be proud of the pilot - it's helped lots of people, I suppose.

I do try to focus on my daughter - she's having some problems at the moment as I was ill last year (for the 3rd time in her 7 years) and was separated from me and she is understandably pushing boundaries...she is also getting help for this.

God knows. Was in meltdown yesterday and today am not, maybe as everyone EVERYONE says take it one day at a time, rather than worrying about being alone in your old age with no money. Things I guess can change, I might meet someone (doubt it) and in ten years, say, things have changed so much, so why wouldn't they change, potentially for the better, in the next ten years? Working is a step, even as a shop assistant, and I ought to feel some self respect ( not that there is anything wrong with benefits - I am trapped now - JSA won't have me if I walk out of a job!) in earning for myself and my child even if I am only marginally better off. I suppose some work is what I've been looking for for so long and I ought to be grateful. Also be grateful for our health - Mum's had cancer to deal with, so I've tried to help her, since December 2009...and it could be worse. Doesn't help that here in Surrey in a particularly posh part, everyone seems to have loads of money. I have made a couple of friends who don't care that I don't...God, I don't know. But one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, seems a good plan.

Keep on keeping on.

Often people make things sound very easy - do some voluntary work, adult education course, join the gym etc, but all these take time and effort and can be hard to do.

In the best possible sense, don't expect so much of yourself. "Take it easy on yourself" is probably a nicer way of putting it. You've made great strides already with getting work and you've got a lot to deal with it sounds like.

Try to take things slowly for a day or two to help stop your mind racing with thoughts about the future.

Good Luck

Thank you useyourloaf. Keep on keeping on, yes. Or keep buggering on, as my dad says. You are right I have a lot of things going on and I must try not to be so hard on myself, but as with the other stuff, it is easier said than done, absolutely. It just seems everything is insurmountable at the moment, but it is true that the things that I am most worried about are in the future, and not things I can do anything about right now. I just picture myself in the same situation in ten years, which I guess is unlikely since ten years ago I was in a hugely different situation. However, the racing mind is hard to overcome as you acknowledge. Thank you so much for your kindness.