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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex partner visiting the children here because his house is unsuitable...

21 replies

TheCinnamonGiraffe · 12/03/2012 11:32

DP is moving out, the place that he is going to is quite a journey away (he doesn't drive) and is not child friendly at all, the DC's won't be able to stay over there and I wouldn't have thought visiting would be very easy either.

His idea is to come back and see them, we are quite amicable at the moment, but am I being a bit naive thinking that this could work?

Neither of us has family near so his visits would be one of the few times I could leave the house on my own. We have a spare room so he could stay over but it all seems a bit odd.

Does anyone do/done anything similar or have any ideas...

OP posts:

clam · 12/03/2012 11:38

Go and have a read of the other thread on here, where the ex has rocked up with his new woman (the one he had an affair with whilst the OP was pregnant) and they take over the OP's house and play Happy Families. He told the OP that this was how it was going to be from now on and to get used to it! She was only objecting, apparently, because she was "jealous!"

There were some useful opinions on there.

MissKeithLemon · 12/03/2012 11:46

I agree with Clam, read through the other post here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1425761-would-you-allow-your-ex-partner-to

Sorry if thats not linked correctly, its my first time!

Also, just as an aside, if you are claiming tax credits as a single person, you need to be aware that him actually staying over might become a problem too. Its fine if he has proof that he resides elsewhere, is paying council tax/on electoral roll etc at another address;but if he is staying with friends/family as an informal arrangement you should maybe think again about any sleeping over at your house. The TC people will assume that you are claiming to be single fraudulently if they ever did a check up on you.

purpleroses · 12/03/2012 12:12

Worked for us for a few months whilst ex sorted out somewhere better to live - though he didn't stay over, just came in the day time. Best thing is if you either get him to take them out somewhere, or else get him to look after them at your home whilst you go out. Better than him not seeing them, and probably more feasible than expecting him to take them to a hotel or something, so your best option for now, and make it clear you want him to sort something better out in the long term.

solidgoldbrass · 12/03/2012 13:16

It depends on whether your XP is a basically OK person who just didn;t suit you as a partner, or whether he's a dick you binned for dickish behaviour. If you get on fine and he is not controlling/bullying/dodgy in any other way, fair enough to let him stop over from time to time. WRT the tax credits thing, you are allowed to have visitors whether or not you are having sex with them, but there probably should be some evidence that he has another address which is his home.

FatherHackett · 12/03/2012 13:25

My advice is more for the Father than yourself. Things change, he shouldn't rely on being able to stay at your home to see his child(ren). At the moment I live about 5 hours away from my son (ex moved away rather than me). At first I was seeing my son at her house but that quickly stopped working. Now I have to scope out Premier Inns and things like that. Since he(your ex) was the one that moved far away I'd say that's his problem, though. There's nothing wrong with him seeing the kid(s) for a few hours at yours but he needs to be ready to find alternatives.

With regards to the house he lives in, he should really sort that out. I always have things here so that my son can come stay at the drop of a hat. A good NRP should always be ready (even if it's wishful thinking). :)

pictish · 12/03/2012 13:27

I would have thought that he had a responsibility to find accomodation that is fit for having his children stay in.
Why hasn't he done that?

SaraSidle · 12/03/2012 13:28

This place he is 'going to' needs a re think... He will have to find somewhere better. Why wouldn't he!?

Original poster

TheCinnamonGiraffe · 12/03/2012 14:33

Thank you for your thoughts...and the link etc to the other thread, I am reading through it...

He is basically an ok person solidgold, we are amicable at the moment but realise that if he stayed then we would soon not be.

The place that he would move to would only really be unsuitable because it would be a house-share with other people who work in a similar line of work, he'll have a room basically. On his salary anything else would be tricky. I guess in time he would get a better place and he can't reply on me sorting everything out.

I'm having trouble getting my head around it all at them moment, in some ways him visiting here is an easier idea for me to get used to as he has looked after all 3 DC's at home but he's never actually left the house with all 3 of them on his own (whole other story).

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 13/03/2012 09:52

Thing is, if your XP is a reasonable person and you are a reasonable person, it's OK to adapt as you go along, to try things and see what works. For one thing, as the DC get older their needs are going to change anyway.

FWIW I am a coparent, my DS' dad is not my partner, and he comes over to our house to visit DS and stays over as it's more convenient for all of us. No problems at all with that.

Original poster

TheCinnamonGiraffe · 13/03/2012 16:41

It's good to know I'm not the only person who would be fairy relaxed about doing it that way (at least to start off with).

OP posts:

colditz · 13/03/2012 16:50

It worked for us for a while, but after a year or so I really had had enough. I wanted to move on with my life, and having my ex here all the time really put a crimp on that. Short term, it was fine. Long term, it gave my ex an excuse not to sort his own accomodation out.

SaraSidle · 13/03/2012 17:11

Good luck with it op!!

worley · 13/03/2012 17:24

I have had to do this for past three years as exdp's is unsuitable. I didn't like it but kind of put up with it or he wouldn't see our ds's. my friends told me this wasn't a good situation but I've kind of kept quiet as he can become aggressive verbally. it wasn't until I met a new boyfriend type person who has objected to the situation and said its as if we're not properly separated. I thought new chap was maybe being silly but my friend has said I've told you this for years. it needs sorting.
so jut my advice is don't let him stay and treat yours still as his home. or it won't seem as if your moving on. I know it's hard..I have no breaks unless exdp has them but it better than him keeping a foot in the door.

solidgoldbrass · 13/03/2012 18:39

Worley: I think maybe the crucial factor with yours is that he's a knob. A nice man-who-just-isn't-your-partner should be able to visit without controlling, poking his nose in and generally getting on your tits, because he's a nice man and not a knob. Good luck with getting yours sorted.

SingleNow · 14/03/2012 09:50

I am having the same problem.

EX wants to see the DC in my home as his isnt suitable but expects me to go out while he is here as he "Cannot cope with seeing me".

Marymoo73 · 14/03/2012 10:23

Same here, ExP new house not child friendly (plus its shared) originally he was going to call round to take DD out, however he's started taking root at the weekends. He picks her up from Nursery two evenings a week whilst I'm at work, so needs a key to my place, he's now started letting himself in at weekends! I was going out to get some space but I've decided he's going to have to make better plans at the weekend as I feel like an intruder in my own home ffs.

smellyfeet · 14/03/2012 11:06

I think it is important that the DC understands that XP does not live here any more having your XP come and take over/hang out all the time will make it more difficult for the DC in the long run. There needs to be boundaries.

He needs to be responsible and find somewhere that he can take DC.

Original poster

TheCinnamonGiraffe · 14/03/2012 12:34

Hmmmm, taking root, 'not coping with seeing me' and confusing the DC's are all things to definitely consider...I don't want to feel like an intruder in my own home (our house, that the DC's and I will be staying in, is a half way point from where he will be and where the PILs live, that will need managing too).

The 'R' word is possible the root of it all really, I feel like he wants to flit off with out the responsibility of it all. If he does find a suitable home I expect that it would be me doing the too-ing and froi-ng, at least for the foreseeable so at least this way I can strike another job of the list.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 14/03/2012 13:04

When my ex first found somewhere to live, it was a room in a shared house and he did have our two DC to stay there one night a week (they were 1 and 4 at the time) - bit crammed and it's definitely nicer for them now he has his own place, but it wasn't too bad. They were happy enought to go there, and he started to get used to being responsible for them on his own.

So I don't think it's impossible to have one or two young children to stay in a shared house. They can camp out on the floor in sleeping bags if necessary - it won't really be like a second home to them, but it can be somewhere they're happy to go and visit.

solidgoldbrass · 14/03/2012 14:15

I really do think the key factor is: how much of a knob is the bloke in question? Remember that once he is not actually living in your house you can change the locks at any time and refuse him a key: make it clear that entry to your house is a privilege and if he abuses it, he will have to make other arrangements.

No court will insist that contact with DC has to take place in your home if you no longer want to let the man over the threshold. If these men refuse to see their DC unless they can gain access to their XP's home in order to harass, bully or control her, then it's their loss (and, sadly, the DCs') but you can never be compelled to give in to an abusive man to this extent, never mind what he says.

Maybee · 14/03/2012 23:21

Its a tricky one. My x comes to my house as our 3 kids are v young and I moved closer to my family after our split. It is usually for a weekend once a fortnight although he sleeps in a b&b. for a long time he was rude, loud and really irritating and I hated it but put up with it for the boys. I then found a walking club to join which meets fortnightly so that gives me a positive thing to do when he's here.I refuse to get into any negotiations with him in the house with the ds around., Instead I email him now in advance about practicalities. I constantly have to reset boundaries with him but now that it is finally going smoother he is coming less frequently which pisses me off because I didn't think his fortnightly visits were sustainable anyway but the kids are now wondering when they'll see him and I was enjoying my rambles in the mountains! I have tried to get it across that getting into my house is a privilege too but he doesn't get it. Says it would be unfair on the boys not to have him there. Think long and hard about boundaries and maybe agree it all with him in advance or even with a solicitor. I am treading v carefully at the moment as we have to sell the family home and I need his cooperation on this one. Maybe tell him you will try it out and if it does not work he can sort something out himself.

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