Thoughts on 50:50 residence

[doyourworst]

My exH and I have been operating a near 50:50 split of our two DCs (2 and 4 yo) for several months now and it seems to be working relatively well. Reports from DDs pre school are encouraging and everyone seems to be happy so far... However, someone was telling me about a programme on TV recently where teenagers who had grown up in this arrangement said they didn't know where "home" was, that they always felt like a visitor in someone else's house. That worries me. But exH thinks I am only after more money (which I am most certainly not) so I am reluctant to make any waves unless absolutely substantiated.

Thought it timely to bring this up given the thread on Louis de Berniere's recent input on the families need fathers issue, which struck me to be more about the father's needs than the children's (his input, not the thread on here).

We have a 50:50 arrangement with DP's kids, when younger it was a sort of couple of days then a change about, not they are older it is a week with us and a week with their Mum. It's flexible though and TBH the kids are 16 & 18, so old enough to decide where they want to be.
They have their own rooms in both houses and as far as I can tell, 'home' is both houses - although they probably use their Mums address more as their postal address.
Only they could tell you how they feel about this arrangement, but they seem happy enough with it.

I've know 3 families doing this and it's working fine - DCs are all aged between 8 and 11 now.

My own DCs go two nights a week to their dad's and would tell anyone that asks that they have two homes - neither feel like somewhere they are visitors.

To make it work though, I think you need to be reasonably amicable and flexible, and also live quite near each other. This gets more important as the kids get older and want to start seeing their friends more. The families I know that do it all split the time so that the kids are with one parent Mon and Tue and the other Wed and Thu nights, then split the weekends. Makes it easier to organise kids social lives, clubs, etc if you do it that way - not such an issue for you now probably, but will be in a few years.

One thing I've learnt with mine (split when they were 4 and a baby - they're now 8 and 12) is that you do need to revisit things every so often - not necessarily to change the proportion of time that they spend at each house (though you might want to), but to consider whether the pattern is working out in everyone's interests. We've moved to a pattern of longer less frequent times at their dad's recently which is suiting them better now they're older.

I think the issue with teenagers is that they need more flexibility about things - they need to be able to organise their own social lives and it gets more difficult if they're constantly moving between two houses. They also have more stuff - so unless you each have a computer, games console, etc, they may resent being away from theirs, and they may end up leaving homework, etc at the wrong house and getting fed up that their lives are so complicated. Also, once they're making their own way to school and out with friends, the need for you to live nearby becomes even more pressing. But you're a long way off teens just yet, so sounds like you should just carry on as you are for now if everyone seems happy.

Thanks, these are interesting and insightful perspectives. :)

Good book on how to make it work (though rather American) is Mom's House Dad's House - well worth a read.

I'd suggested to DP that the changing about midweek was disruptive to the kids, they had to remember where books for school/uniform etc was and there was a lot of ferrying stuff about that had been forgotten. But the kids themselves asked to change to a week at each house, this was a couple of years ago - so during teenage years - and it is much better this way. DP liked it the other way because he didn't have so long to wait inbetween them being here (he misses them) but accepts this way is better for them.

I know a family doing this and it has been an absolute catastrophe, but then both parents are very antagonistic and unable to communicate with each other, and... they have always made the child believe that he can demand for the arrangement to be changed at will... queue all around frustration for all involved.

It worked fine when the child was younger though.

We share care not quite 50/50 but near enough....my daughter always refers to having two homes ...and looking at both her dad's house and mine YES she definitely has two homes ... she likes the fact that our homes are different too...I live on the country...dad lives on an estate....I think she will grow out of my house sooner though because as she gets older she will want more freedom...and she cant just walk to a friends.... You need to focus on 50/50 working rather than trying to put hurdles in the way....we have shared since dd was 3 she is now nearly 10.....we split our week to suit my ex because of his work....but it works fine....

doyourworst. I know this is a slightly hypothetical and unlikely scenario ( seems valid in the overall context of the thread ), but if you were to conclude 50:50 doesn't work, how would you feel if your XP became the main carer and you saw the dc less ?

SGTU - I wholeheartedly believe and stand by what is in our children's best interests. And that's all I will say here on this thread about that hypothetical scenario.

These are all reassuring posts, thank you for your input everyone. I will look that book up purpleroses.

if you're all happy, then it's all good. Home is where the heart is and if the heart is in more than one place..
You've all got to keep an open mind, keep an eye on kids and respond to them. If it's not working, you'll know. all the best xx