solicitors letter to ExP - not happy with it

[useyourloaf]

I received draft copy of letter this morning from solicitor that I went to see last week re ExP's controlling, intimidating, verbally and emotionally abusive behaviour.

I'm gutted because the draft is a let-down. It's basically a response to the letter I received from ExP's solicitor.

I originally made contact with "my solicitor" (who is actually the paralegal in the firm) through a local drop-in session three weeks back and prior to receiving ridiculous letter from ExP's solicitor and I told her then about situtation. She gave me advice and card and told me to phone for appointment which I did, twice. I got no return call. It wasn't until I received ExP's letter, that I actually went to the office in person to try to speak with someone and I saw her and booked appointment for a week later.

So now, having met again with her and gone into more detail, I get the draft letter this morning and it's too wet and woolly IMO. I cried when I read it. I was holding so much store by it and it isn't strong enough and doesn't convey the extent of harrasment and control at all.

I had transcribed voice and text messages (about 25 of them) but solicitor felt it wasn't necessary to refer to them specifically at this stage.

Can I write my own letter back to ExP's solicitor instead and save myself some money in the process (would get legal aid now but would be in trouble if things became very drawn out) and would my response have less weight as it were, than solicitors letter or should I just discuss with solicitor/paralegal that the letter needs rewriting. And what of her paralegal status?

ExP has made it clear that he has the means to take me to court although I don't know what it is that he wants really.

Can anyone advise? Thanks.

You can write what you like within reason & tbh solicitors letters don't carry any weight- you need a court judgement for that. the only way to stop your ex's controlling behaviour is to stop being controlled -he's your EX, you make all the decisions about your life now.

Don't even bother paying for a solicitor. If he wants to waste his money and take you to court let him. I suspect it's just another way to control you and keep you in the 'game'.

What is his solicitor asking for in his letter?

Change solicitors to one you feel confident in & supported by.

Don't respond to your exes email's/texts/letters other than to say its in the hands of your solicitors. You are not bound to hasten things to suit him.

But keep copies of everything.

Thanks for answers. I'm wondering if I should bother with solicitor at all at this stage, just reply to his solicitors letter myself and then wait to see if he takes me to court.

He is the sort who would be more scared of a "solicitors letter" than one from me though.

I was told not to show all your cards. You need to keep some of your evidence in case it goes to court. not giving the other side time to come up with excuses and witness statements to undermine your lines of reasoning.

OK thanks ANTagony - that's useful to know.

I'm wondering if you should even bother responding - you know you don't have to and I'm thinking you might feel more in control if you didn't.

There is no reason to write to his solicitor who is only concerned with his client to tell him your side.

If he does take you to court wait for the actual court papers before doing anything.

He's asked specifically about whether I'm agreeable to him taking DS on holiday so I suppose I have to reply to that.

how old is DS & are you?

Do you have any concerns for DS's safety or thathe is returned to you?

Are there access arrangements in place already?

Sorry 20 questions!!

I don't know anything about your situation or families but would mediation be an option for you? I did my own with the help of my father out-law. We each had five points to discuss that we listed to each other in advance. My father out-law then went through the points one by one moving us on when we reached stalemate and back when we were ready to start again. It saved us from going to court but left my father out-law unable to look his son in the face.

The whole system of seperation with children involved is horrendous. My aunty, a very wise women, said to me in the early days remember you have a tie that will be with you for your entire life (the dc). Every birthday, Christmas, special school event and as they grow weddings and children of their own tie you. You need to have some form of communication.

For us it's email and a phone call at a mutually agreed time every six months. Minor points can be raised at handover but we try to deal in email it's a written easily printable, less confrontational method than the instantness of text messages or direct verbal communication.

You are in control of your own destiny and you need to find all your inner strength to establish what you are comfortable with. What system will serve you and your dc best.

NO, no, no OP. Don't write anything in your letter that could give him a heads up. Your solicitor is right in keeping it as it is. Let him say/do what he wants.

You will have your day in court when your solicitor can hit him with it.

Give the control freak no ammunition towards you...

thanks Wittsend13. I'll keep them for later.

Honestly I reckon you should let him take you to court where all is dickweed behaviour can be exposed in a courtroom. Just take something to bite down on to stop yourself laughing out loud when he's exposed as a bullying, controlling, arrogant and above all clueless individual.

One day I look forward to seeing a thread from you entitled From The Courtroom and we can all sit down with a cuppa and a jammy dodger for a good read and cheer when he gets his comeuppance, the judge tells you you're a great mother doing a good job and tells your ex to get a life.

Solicitors are often not worth the hassle. So many ladies where I work gave them up for Lent a few years ago, ignored all their exes stupid demands and letters and have been much happier and more confident since. You seem to have your head screwed on, so believe in yourself and you'll feel much better.

Oh thanks Border your post made me smile!

I've left message with solicitor and hoping she'll get back to me today. I'm thinking that solicitor that represents me in a way I'm not happy with is gonna be more stressful than not having one at all and the potential cost is an issue.

I'm considering letting things take their course and if he takes me to court then so be it. I'll just have to continue to keep any messgaes etc.

I'm still quite effected by his behaviour though (but I'm getting better at letting it wash over me) and its all very well me being all calm and collected now but when he's ranting, shouting and swearing down the phone I still become a bit of a quivering mess. Have to toughen up I guess. - is there a "woman-up" emotion?