contact with 3 dcs, one doesn't want to go...

[littleornoclue]

has anyone else experienced this?

I've not long been separated, the children (aged between 3 and 8) have been having sleepovers at their Dad's place for two months.

They always seem to have a great time, and their Dad was making a big effort to have a good time with them, but lately he has been making less effort. He has also been late for the past 4 contacts.

Last week the eldest didn't want to go, made a huge fuss, but changed his mind when his Dad came (late...).

Today the youngest two didn't want to go for tonight, littlest changed mind at lunchtime, but dd wouldn't leave with her Dad and the other two dcs.

Her Dad said, 'Don't you love me anymore?' in a horrible angry way. We could have done without that.

She later agreed to go there for tea but back here to sleep, he has collected her.

I am encouraging contact with their Dad and I think it is so important for them. I want the children to feel thay have 2 homes, although their main home will be with me.

I just don't know what to do when one of them doesn't want to go. I'm guessing this is going to happen a lot over the years. I am trying to cajole them into going, but what if this doesn't work?

Their Dad can be quite horrid, bordering on emotionally abusive. He is furious with me if one of them doesn't want to go and doesn't hide it. I don't want the children to be emotionally blackmailed into going, I'd like to arrange something that works for us all, unfortunately stbxh is really inflexible.

Any advice would be great.

I think there are two things going on here. One is he is becoming unreliable and his behaviour is not helping matters. So that is one. The other is the question about what to do if one doesnt want to go. I think when children are of that age you approach it the same as going to school. They may not want to go sometimes (or put up a bit of a fight against it) but they have to go. I cant advise on how you tackle the first but I hope you can.

I think when children suddenly realise that they have an enormous amount of (innappropriate) power, and that exercising that power brings them lots of attention (even if it is negative) then they will try it. They really shouldn't be allowed to change their minds about going, or decide whether they will go or not. Contact arrangements are complicated enough for adults to sort out, it isn't suitable for children to feel they have to make the decisions.

It is very early days - if it was working then I think you need to stay with it and perhaps suggest mediation?

My two are almost 4 and 7 and, for the time being, going is not optional without good reason.

My girls' father and I have been separated for nearly 4 years now, they are now nearly 5 and 6. They do not seem to enjoy overnight contact, and when they have stayed the eldest in particular has asked repeatedly to come home. She has told me that her dad says no you can't go home, and that she cries at night about it. When I asked her if she spoke to him about how she was feeling, she said she gave up as he wouldn't listen and just said no. So the result is she says she doesn't want to go at all the next time. The youngest has stayed on her own but then said she didn't like it on her own so didn't want to stay. I have said that I think they should just go for the day for several months with no pressure from him (in their words they have said that 'Daddy says how much he misses us all the time and tries to convince us to stay when we don't want to'). Once this is established we can look again at overnight. I cannot see how young children benefit from basically being told they have to stay somewhere when they say they are unhappy about it and cry and ask to be taken home.

I agree though that they should not be changing their minds back and forth, and it is for that reason that I personally have tried for my children to set something that I think for now is going to work each week rather than keep making them unhappy and then not wanting to at all again.

Thanks for your replies.

I'm really not comfortable with making them go, but I can see how it would be best if the dcs can't play power games with us!

Thoughtsplease- that's just what I mean, I don't want the dcs to be pressured into going overnight when they aren't happy. Has your ex accepted the no overnights for now?

I will try to discuss it with my stbxh. I guess we could make it a rule that they have to go, and maybe review it later in the year?