Don't know if I count...

[Ice9116]

As a lone parent, a person, anything but finding it really hard...

DD is only little (6 weeks) but is quite likely (confirmed by nurse) teething & has, as a result, been screaming, continually (with maximum breaks of 3 minutes) for over three days & nights. I am shattered.

DH, on the other hand, is living with his Mum as he was getting too tired, refuses to do housework, change a nappy or interact with DD at all - he's said that if anything happens to me (will wise) he doesn't want her.

Technically we're not separated and he is intending to come back but where does that leave me? I feel so isolated and alone at her baby groups with the Mums and Dads together when he's out for the evening again...

Opinions?

Sounds like you are dealing with two babies.

Concentrate on the one that can't fend for herself. Forget about how things look at baby groups (lots of people go without blokes due to work choice, whatever) and focus on survival, the two of you. Sleep can be replaced by coffee, hot showers (take the Moses basket in the bathroom, sing to her while you enjoy). Sleep when she sleeps, everytime. Forget housework, but do make sure you are fed. Call in any favours from anyone, family, friends, neighbours. Don't be afraid to ask - you will be surprised what people will rally round and do.

Put him and his 'technically not separated' bullshit on one side for now. When things get easier (and they will) you can decide if you want precious mummy's boy around or not. Right now, he has decided to make himself irrelevant. Keep checking with Docs that baby is only teething - sounds like a long time to be crying to me. Don't let them fob you off. Get out in the fresh air with the pram.

This will pass.

Prob more likely reflux than teething .
If you breast feeding look at your diet and ask about reflux remedies .

Ask if you can give small dose of carpool if it really is teething.

Oh and last poster gave good advice forget about h

And many baby groups are usually mostly mums only or find a breast feeding cafe group.

Car pool ? Calpol

I'd check the reason for the crying too. My little one had acid reflux and needed baby gaviscon to stop the pain. Go to your doc (not hv - they tend to say everything is "normal" or colic!) and get your dd checked out.
Sorry about your partner. So unsupportive to leave you at such a hard time, maybe when you're stronger you might decide you're better off without him.

Agree that you need to ignore DH for the moment. He is not being very supportive but maybe he is not as strong as you and not coping so well with parenthood. My ex was still with me until my DS was 2 but had a complete breakdown when DS was 5 weeks old and was unable to help with DS at all, even before that he avoided nappy changes and other things, unable to cope with responsibility.

It's very hard dealing with friends and acquaintances when you are in limbo over the relationship. If you can, tell them you are going through a rough patch but also if you don't feel like talking about it with them let them know. I found it very very hard to come out and admit I had separated from ex in the early days as I did not know if it was a proper separation or not.

That is a lot of screaming from DD, is it possible that there could be something up as well as teething? Has she always been like this since birth?

Some babies are very unsettled in the early days, some people find that cranial osteopathy helps, especially if it has been a complicated birth.

I'm sorry. It's really tough.

In order of priority I would:

Go back to the MW. You need a break. Even with teething it isn't common for a baby to cry solidly non-stop, only stopping for 3 mins at a time. I'd investigate further.

If it turns out there's nothing wrong, is there anyone you can turn to for help - parents/siblings/friends? You desperately need a break.

Divorce the H. What a twat. Does he think you don't get tired? That you like changing nappies? That you enjoy housework? You don't like these things or find them any easier than he does, you just have an adult sense of personal responsibility - which he is taking full advantage of. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not one person dumping all the hard bits on the other. Personally I couldn't live with a man who was prepared to denounce his own DD and dump all the work on me. Life is easier as a single parent because although you still have to do everything, you don't have to deal with the constant emotional roller-coaster and the lack of respect shown you by the person who's supposed to love you above all others.

Hope things get better for you soon. Hang on in there.

I agree with the life being easier as a single parent (eventually). I got very little support when my children were newborns in terms of dealing with the sleep deprivation. Now we have our routines, and they work for us. You find you just get on with things and adapt because you have to. Lots of the stress in my marriage was through feeling unsupported and in an odd way that stress has all gone now it's just us!

Thanks for the replies - we both slept quite well last night so feeling bit better. Shes not been feeding well (judged by engorgement) so today have been trying to get into a routine more and, as I discovered she doesn't cry in the sling and goes to sleep, she's been in the sling most of the day and has gone back to her usual self (happy, contented baby). She seems so much happier now her Daddy's not been around telling me how rubbish I am all the time - can babies pick up on stress and unhappiness in their Mummies?

DH is partially struggling as he blames her for now not achieving his dreams (like he was going to be a rockstar by the time he was 35) - its not her... He also acts and talks like we didn't discuss trying for her or anything... it was when he asked if we could send her back or give her away that he went to his Mum's... I would have killed him if he'd stayed at that point as that sounded so awful to me as I love her so so much and just thinking about that makes me cry - maybe I needed some space to understand what he meant.

Never thought I'd be doing this alone and it makes me sad for her.

Plan is: baby & me, sleep, feeding routine for her, food for me, go outside, be happy & meet people... DH later...

Glad you ladies aren't kicking me out because he's still 'here'!

Total utter tosser! What the hell does he think he is doing????? What is wrong with men like this? Presume he enjoyed his bedroom benefits but not up for the consequences! Agree with sunshine - you could do without the grief his behaviour is heaping on you - if he doesn't want in show him the door - makes my blood boil - hope he eventually has sleepless nights from the guilt of being such a twat to you both.

Damn, a rockstar?! My OH was in a band for 11 years and only -just- managed to get through it without wanting to kill himself (he quit in Dec and has never been happier than he is now with his normal day job); a life of fame and fortune never comes :P

You need to remind him of one simple fact: Shit happens when you party naked. And it's not just affecting him. You're the one that is going through hormonal changes and physical changes after having DD, and you don't get to go running to your mum when things get tough.

I'm not sure whether the best advice is to completely blank him and wait until he's ready to come back and be part of the family again, send some heavies round for being so horrendous and making you feel like it's your fault, or to let things unfold and deal with whatever comes.
It's probably the latter...

If things get tougher, at least you know you've got a website full if people that know what you're going through and will help you through the crap times :)

Ice, yes babies do pick up on their mummy's stress or distress, so the fact that your useless H has fecked off and you're feeling less stressed as a result will definitely be making her happier too. Whereabouts in the country are you? I'm so angry on your behalf. He's being a total arse

He sounds awful. I reckon my DS was similar to your baby - he just seemed so stressed out all the time, a really difficult baby, terrible sleeper etc... ExP didn't leave til he was about 2, and the mood in the whole house just lifted, but it felt like it took a lot of undoing for all the stress that DS was used to feeling. Still feel guilty I didn't sort it out sooner, and totally agree with sunshineandbooks about him. Chance for a new start :)

I'm in South East (Cambridge specifically). He had plenty of chances to delay her arrival in the many many conversations about whether we were ready & if this was the right time before we were married, pregnant etc & now he rewrites history to say I pushed him into it when I didn't at all & because I never got on with hormonal contraception it was always down to him at the end of the day anyway.
I just don't know - is she better off without a Daddy? Because I don't see him wanting access if we split...

I am speechless. Truly flabbergasted that your DH can do that.

DD1 was really very high maintenance at night - for the first 12 weeks she spent all night screaming, literally. Well, to be fair, she spent all night screaming for the first 6 weeks, then gradually dropped off at 4am, 3am, 1am etc. After that, she went from 7pm to about 11pm and then woke several times per night.

DH was exhausted, too. But we had a system where he slept downstairs, I would stay up with her until the earlyish hours (ie. 3am) then he would wake up and take over so that I could get a few hours sleep before he went to work.

Ok, we were both exhausted, but we were both the parents.

I am so sorry that your DH isn't there for you. I hope he feels terribly guilty every time he puts his head on his pillow.

Our DD had reflux, so sitting upright after every feed made a HUGE difference to her (far less likelihood of crying/screaming, and also far less episodes of projectile vomiting). So I used to eat with her in a carrier in front of me, leave making the bed until after mid-morning feed (she'd sit propped up in the pillows), got a good high chair early on, lots and lots of use of the baby carrier and sling and just plain walking around holding her upright. Oh, and a VERY boring diet for me for about 6 months (plain meat, boiled carrots and mashed potato dinners and everything else as plain as can be - no spices, reduced fats and dairy, reduced "windy" veg (peas, beans etc), no cakes, ,,,).

Try keeping your DD up as much as you can, infant gaviscon does help, sleep when she does, and ignore the house as much as possible. And forget about the other child until he is big enough to see what a mess he's made of it all.