Reasonable access for 8 month old

[Singlemummy2be]

Posted in legal too

My DP is currently looking at leaving us. We have a DC together and he has a DD from a previous relationship.

DC is 8 months old and he's not been very hands on up to now. He has a half sister who I still want him to have a relationship with. Obviously a relationship with his dad too.

What would reasonable access be? DC is only awake 1 1/2 hours, 2 hours max at a time.

I will point out that I don't want to cut him out of DC's life.

Depends. Obviously things will change as dc gets older, so I think you'd need to discuss access now and what will happen when dc is a little older.

I'd say short but frequent visits if you can both manage it, leading up to overnights by 2 years old. But opinions vary.

I'd ask your soon to be XP what he expects and take it from there. ( not suggesting you accept what he says, but at least you can then work out a response )

Split with my ex when DD was 3 months old. At first he came round most days of the week and saw her for an hour or so (and DS who was 4). But by 6 months he came round just one to two evenings a week.

At around 9 months he started having them both overnight one night a week. This worked out OK, though I ended up giving up breastfeeding partly because it got too difficult. DD was OK about the overnights though - got used to both houses.

My ex had not been hands on at all with DD when we were together - more or less ignored her. But he did become better with her once he had her on his own - guess he kind of had to once he was looking after her for bits of time when I wasn't around.

Agree with other posters - ask your soon to be ex what he wants - if he's not been very hands on he may not actually ask for a lot, so you could probably give him what he wants and take it from there without any conflict if you can. Shouldn't matter if your DS needs to sleep whilst your ex has him - getting him off to sleep is one of the skills he needs to learn if he's not great with him yet. He can take him out in his buggy and let him sleep in that if he needs to.

Thanks Purple thats very helpful.

I thought the sleep bit would matter as it wasnt 'quality' time with him

I think pushing my dd, asleep, around in her pram was one of the most endearing activities I used to do with dd. Odd to say I know as she was sleeping.

Out in the park, just me and her, seeing her tucked up and snug in the land of nod really amplified the ' I must always keep you safe and secure ' gene.

It also started the habit of making sure I had all the right stuff on hand for any journey.

I agree about the sleep. Some good advice there from MrGin and Purple.

If you want your STBXP to be a fully involved parent who you can trust to do everything you do (even if he's not doing as much of it as you do) then he needs to have the opportunity to do all the mundane (and in their own way, special) parts of parenting, such as getting them off to sleep, helping them through illness, etc. They all help form a bond much more than the disney style of parenting where dad simply turns up, takes them out somewhere, then returns them but knows nothing about their little idiosyncrasies or that DD needs her blankie to go to bed and DS needs baa baa black-sheep sung, for example, or that DD responds best to calpol rather than baby nurofen.

If you've got a dad who wants to be involved and who can be trusted to meet that responsibility, it's in everyone's interests to really encourage that. If anything ever happened to you, such as a long-term spell in hospital, you can rest easy knowing there is another parent who knows and loves your DC just as much as you do who can step into the breach. That's priceless.

If you start talking with your STBXP about this, I'm sure you can come up with a provisional schedule for contact. Then go from there. Hopefully he'll live up to it and you'll have a best case scenario. If not, then ultimately he's the one losing out if contact reduces and he doesn't know his DC as well as he could.

I think sadly, from reading another thread, the OP's STBXP prefers to hide in his garage with a laptop rather than help out with his kids.

He needs a reality check / epiphany.

In that sense I think any activity that might make him realize he needs to step up to the mark may be helpful.

Easier said than done.

Give him as much time as he wants and encourage more. Why do you think sleep time does not matter? Do you go out and leave the baby when it's asleep, I doubt it. You are still caring for and responsible for the baby when asleep.
Enjoy the time you have to yourself and relax while the baby is with dad. If you need to do something that would be easier with someone watching the baby etc, always give dad the first option of care. Encourage him to have responsibility for his child and to be a good dad. Work with him to make his own routines and patterns when he has the baby and don't dictate. Your child will benefit from it.

I am disgusted by the selfish mums on here who quote the "hope that dad will lose interest" rubbish. They should be ashamed of themselves.
He may or may not find it easy at times, he's human! Encourage as much as you can and give him help and advice if he needs it or a break if he also needs that. The more responsibility he feels the better dad he'll be and your child will benefit from it.
Mothers who give dad minimum time and responsibility who then moan when dads lose interest have only themselves to blame for the damage it does to the children.

I really hope he doesnt lose interest, his DD and our DS need him around.

MrGin his mum is going to give him a kick up the arse, he has the whole day off and at home, can you guess where he is??? Yup garage.

AGoodDad, where has anyone stated they hope the Dad loses interest?

Sorry, read it on a thread somewhere, not saying it specifically happened here.